View Full Version : Critique: Iron Bloom opening-comments please
February 14th, 2007, 02:08 PM
I have posted the beginning of my novel in the stories section, http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2292p0.html, and would appreciate any feedback you would like to give. Thank you.
February 17th, 2007, 12:37 PM
I love it. I didn't know it was a broadsword until the end, you could describe the sword a tad bit better at the start, so we get the full picture of how awful her wound is. You could also improve the part where she arrived in town with a sword through her. It doesn't seem realistic enough. The men that see her first should be more panicked or something, and her parents should be a bit more hysterical and afraid. That's really the only thing I have to say against it.
I love the child's reaction to seeing her and how he tells her that she got stabbed as only an innocent child could. I also like the doctor who patches her up. I can already imagine some sort of relationship between them either in the past or future. You're a wonderful writer. Please don't ever stop.
Global Thermo Nuclear Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth
February 17th, 2007, 02:47 PM
Whoa, thanks for the compliments and suggestions! For her arrival in town, what do you think of something like this?
When Rose arrived half an hour later in her hometown of Hullel, many a villager greeted her with shocked gapes and piteous stares. "This is Danny," she gasped to no one in particular. "He's an orphan. Somebody needs to take care of him." She reached out towards a nearby young woman, who screamed just as her strength gave out and she fell to her knees.
"Help her, somebody help her!" the woman cried. Rose felt two men take her arms and legs, shouting unintelligibly, and the world blurred around her as they carried her away.
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