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jallenw
February 17th, 2007, 09:19 AM
Hey, I just dug up an old short story I wrote a long time ago. I think I wrote it when I was about halfway finished with the rough draft of my first novel so many years ago.

I'm not really a science fiction writer even though I've written probably a dozen or more short stories. It's what I started writing before I fell in love with writing fantasy.

Tell me what you think. Honest opinions, critiques, flames, grammar and spelling infractions, all that is welcome. I don't expect to publish this work, but even so, I'd prefer it if no one stole it.



Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth

Rob B
February 17th, 2007, 12:49 PM
Our members would be happy to critique your material, why don't you post it to sffworld?

jallenw
February 17th, 2007, 01:06 PM
The website isn't really user-friendly as to how to post stories and excerpts. I've been looking all morning, well, I guess now it's afternoon, with little success. I can't seem to find any links to post my own work. I'll keep looking.

Global Thermo Nuclear Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth

jallenw
February 17th, 2007, 01:16 PM
Finally, I found it. Gosh, I was close to giving up hope. I had to do a google search of sffworld.com, but I finally found the link I had to click to be able to post stuff.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2297p0.html

Ha, now I have an outlet for my short stories. I'm going to post them all! All I tell you! *maniacal laughter*

Global Thermo Nuclear Peace
J. Allen Wentworth

BrianC
February 17th, 2007, 02:29 PM
I've glanced at the opening, but haven't time right now to read the whole thing. I'll get you my opinion in a day or two.

Holbrook
February 18th, 2007, 02:23 AM
Will look at it later.

(Oh not in the habit of stealing stories ;) )

Jacquin
February 18th, 2007, 04:07 AM
Jallenw.

It is rarely considered politic to imply that the people you are asking to critique your work would steal it. Personally I can't help but think that the implication would put people off.

Jac

Holbrook
February 18th, 2007, 10:24 AM
This is my opinion that is all.

The premise is interesting,

But it does tend to read like a list of actions, I did this, said that. Also when a person is talking to themselves and it is plain in this he is doing so you donít need to say ďI told myself.Ē

I feel the whole argument would have been better presented with the character bouncing his thoughts of another, say a witness to the document.

You say looked at the document in passing; that tends to say it wasnít important, but the document is.

Does mildew grow that quick.

The info dumps are too large without any characterisation. I donít get a feel for the character at all.

In fact all the info could be used as a basis for a good tale. As it is the reader is a bit swamped by it.

BrianC
February 18th, 2007, 08:15 PM
I gotta go with Holbrook on this one. It read as a kind of stream of consciousness of a pretty boring narrator. The beginning, especially, was like: I woke up. I got out of bed. I ate some cornflakes for breakfast.

Writing from the first person perspective is deceptively hard. Hard to both make it interesting and to stay true to the POV. I'd suggest trying to rewrite this one from a third person limited omnisicient.

jallenw
February 18th, 2007, 09:33 PM
I was just kidding around when I said the comment about stealing my work. I'm not worried.

Like I said, I just dug the story up, I wrote it years ago. Thanks for the input. Any other comments will be appreciated. I'm not a good sci-fi writer. That's why I stick to fantasy now.

I'll rewrite it after I get a few more comments, then I'll probably repost it.

Global Thermo Nuclear Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth