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Anthorn
February 24th, 2007, 07:32 PM
Hi this is a begining to my short story i am currently writing while i take a break from my novel.


First the Genesis.
Then the Omega.
And last, the Alpha.
Yes I have switched the Alpha and Omega around, but only because it's wrong.
The chicken or the egg, what came first? The chicken of course. Today if you ask me what came first I say Omega not Alpha. You can't have the beginning without an ending, this story is the end: The end of me, you, McDonald's, Tony Blair. The end of everything but it was also a beginning. The beginning of everything.

The train would be arriving in ten minutes (hopefully) the platform attendant had told them as much herself, not that you could believe them most of the time. Most of the time they'd tell you that the sky was black and the moon purple like the politicians would if they could get away with it, not that this bothered Lucy Simmons much. Purple black and green they were just colours, no the real issue was what Kate Moss was wearing in her exclusive Heat interview, or what Jade Goody had for lunch.
“Right, are you ready Lucy, have you got all your bags?”

What do you all think so far. (I know I know not much to go on.)

AgentRustyBones
February 25th, 2007, 09:33 AM
I would need more of the story to critique it, and would want to know how short is short?

The story could go in nearly limitless directions from here.

Doug
aka Agent Rusty Bones

Anthorn
February 25th, 2007, 02:38 PM
short would be two thousand words

AgentRustyBones
February 26th, 2007, 07:20 PM
Hi this is a begining to my short story i am currently writing while i take a break from my novel.


First the Genesis.
Then the Omega.
And last, the Alpha.
(1) Yes I have switched the Alpha and Omega around, but only because it's wrong.
(2) The chicken or the egg, what came first? The chicken of course. Today if you ask me what came first I say Omega not Alpha. You can't have the beginning without an ending, this story is the end: The end of me, you, McDonald's, Tony Blair. The end of everything but it was also a beginning. The beginning of everything.

The train would be arriving in ten minutes (3)(hopefully) the platform attendant had told them as much (4)herself, not that you could believe them(5) most of the time. Most of the time they'd tell you that the sky was black and the moon purple like the politicians would if they could get away with it, not that this bothered (6)Lucy Simmons much. (7)Purple black and green they were just colours, no the real issue was what (8)Kate Moss was wearing in her exclusive Heat interview, or what Jade Goody had for lunch.
“Right, are you ready Lucy, have you got all your bags?”

What do you all think so far. (I know I know not much to go on.)



If my browser worked properly, I have placed s a number of items in bold face and implanted numbers in the text. I will now raise a point with each numbered citation: (Each is simply my opinion, as I am sure others will disagree on some of these points-but you asked for critique, so here goes...)

(1) Are you going with the Alpha and Omega thing, or the chicken and the egg? Pick one, develop it better, and delete the other.

(2) See comment one. Pick one analogy and delete the other. Also--you make a definitive statement about one side of an endless argument (chicken having come before the egg), so unless your story actually revolves around that analogy specifically, I would delete both analogies and just tell the story you want to tell--let the readers come to their own conclusions.

(3) I would delete the qualifier here--it's distracting. The reader really doesn't care if the train comes on time or is late. The story isn't being told in the first person, so the narrator shouldn't care either.

(4) 'herself' is extraneous--if it matters what the sex of the platform attendant is, you can mention it laterr when she enters the picture.

(5) Don't end one sentence with a qualifier like 'most of the time' and then start the very next sentence with the same clump of words. Also, a pretty harsh statement about platform attendants--do you have an axe to grind? Why would they constantly lie, if they could get away with it? Seems like a childish statement.

(6) Lucy is your main character? Without out the last sentence in your sample, I wouldn't have any clue, since you mention a couple of other women's names shortly thereafter.

(7) Punctuation. You need commas between the colors. The whole sentence is messed up. I would rework it completely.

(8) It seems as if you are putting Lucy's thoughts out there about Kate Moss and Jade Goody (who is that? I know Kate from modelling and her famous cocaine problems-but I've never heard of Jade--must be a Brit celebrity? In any event, referencing people the reader may not have heard about won't serve much purpose)--but back to Lucy's thoughts. Is the story going to be first person? If not, then find a better way to show what she's thinking about instead of telling us.

I still don't know what this story is about, nor have I been given much of a reason to care about Lucy and where she's going or why.

With a short story, you don't have much time to grab the reader by the short hairs and make them care. If you don't, they will skip to the next piece or submission.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

Doug
aka Agent Rusty Bones

James Carmack
March 3rd, 2007, 11:45 PM
Jade Goody is rather minor celebrity who was at the center of the big racism flap on the UK's version of Big Brother. I forget why I know this...

I'm guessing Anthorn is a Brit, so for him and his countrymen, the name would be relevant. Of course, therein lies the rub. Do you want to risk alienating non-Brits for the sake of local atmosphere? There's nothing wrong with it if you do, but that makes it more difficult to connect to a larger audience.

As for the whole reversal of of the Alpha and the Omega, where exactly are you going with it? Are we moving backwards from the ending to the beginning? Is it the beginning of the end... or the end of the beginning? Or is it something else entirely?

I won't address the punctuation and other grammatical errors at this point. I'll wait until you're ready for a proper workshopping for that.

The ranting tone of the beginning is interesting. There's character to it, but as Rusty (hope I'm not being too informal) duly notes, we haven't really connected with your lead. It has to happen quickly or there's nothing to compel us to keep on going.

At any rate, I look forward to seeing the completed version. It'll be a lot easier to deal with the piece in a holistic fashion that way.

AgentRustyBones
March 4th, 2007, 09:01 AM
There's character to it, but as Rusty (hope I'm not being too informal) duly notes, we haven't really connected with your lead. It has to happen quickly or there's nothing to compel us to keep on going.

At any rate, I look forward to seeing the completed version. It'll be a lot easier to deal with the piece in a holistic fashion that way.

No worries there, James.

I'll answer to just about anything...:)

Doug
aka Agent Rusty Bones