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Woadwarrior
March 2nd, 2007, 02:32 PM
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2317p0.html

OK, so I've posted the first chapter in my first series. It's the first involving a character called Ekove, he's a child prodigy with a knack for flying (I based him off several real life personalities... lots!), and he's also a Kahrie, a race of cat-people (as hinted at many times in the chapter!).

This series will involve him going through training in the Navy, going into aviation and the first ever military operations of the World War that's coming up. It'll also go into the details about the conflict, though some things about it will probably be explained in detail over the course of the novellas I'll be writing about it. Ekove is just one major character, I got at least two more thought up of, and they all have their own seperate roles and their own series.

So I humbly ask for reviews and critiques of what I've written so far.

P.S. Please excuse any sloppiness in my writing... it's very late and I'm pretty consumed by fatigue...:eek:

AgentRustyBones
March 2nd, 2007, 07:27 PM
The only quibbles I would have would be very minor.

It looks to be well thought out, polished, and pretty darn original.

Good job.

Doug
aka Agent Rusty Bones

Woadwarrior
March 3rd, 2007, 12:55 AM
While I really appreciate your positive comments, I would really like some details, please. :) What are those things you consider bad about it and what are the good?

Thank you.

AgentRustyBones
March 3rd, 2007, 01:26 AM
OK--yo asked, so here they are.

In at least two instances, you used the word 'inherit' where you should have used the word 'inherent'. That's small stuff, something that an editor would pick up on in the first instance and think it was a typing error. With two misuses in the first chapter though...it could negatively impact things.

I don't like the use of the F-11 for the plane name--it is too close to real world American nomenclature for planes. If that was what you intended, then its hard to argue against--I just found it distracting. If you want to still follow the style of US nomenclature, then try a different letter.

There's definitely a feel of a world war 2 to the story. Ekove is clearly non-human, cat-like, but everyone else is just referred to as people, that I saw, are they human? Is everyone a cat-like being? Are you being intentionally ambiguous?

Most readers will either assume all charactes are the same race, or they will assume characters are human until given information to the contrary. You might want to clarify a little...but if you want that ambiguity, I can see that working for you as well.

But other than Ekove being a cat-person of sorts, and the names of peoples and places being non-Earth...what's the sci-fi or fantasy hook? It seems to be relatively a world like ours, about 50-60 years behind...with a big war looming.

Technology seems appropriate fow WW2 era.

I didn't note any magic reference.

I did note it strange that there would be an aircraft carrier created by a country with only 7 million people...that seems inappropriate, but only because I know how big and expensive and resource hungry those things are in this world.

I like the pace. I liked how you moved the story along without explaining too much. As a reader, I can wait for some context to come to me through the story itself, rather than being told up front.

I like the character dialogue.

Some typos and other grammar errors, but nothing that can't be fixed with a quick second read through.

Overall, I'd say an excellent start. The story may not be my cup of tea...like I said, I don't really see a major hook just yet to get my sci-fi or my fantasy juices flowing. I like war stories, but if I really want to read about WW2 era stuff, there is a lot of good standard fiction from that war, and lots of real life stories as well...so if there is a sci-fi/fantasy aspect, other than cat people, you might want to weave it in a little more clearly--putting whiskers and feline ears on a WW2-type pilot story probably will not get me to buy the book--but that may just be my own preferences and others may well disagree.

I hope this helps you!

Good luck with it!

Doug
aka Agent Rusty Bones

Woadwarrior
March 3rd, 2007, 03:54 AM
In at least two instances, you used the word 'inherit' where you should have used the word 'inherent'. That's small stuff, something that an editor would pick up on in the first instance and think it was a typing error. With two misuses in the first chapter though...it could negatively impact things.

I'll add that to my vocabulary. I didn't know what was the right word to use, and I thought Inherit was the appropriate term. Thanks.


I don't like the use of the F-11 for the plane name--it is too close to real world American nomenclature for planes. If that was what you intended, then its hard to argue against--I just found it distracting. If you want to still follow the style of US nomenclature, then try a different letter.


Though you're correct in that assumption, I need to say some things about this. Firstly, Feirland is based of the United States. Secondly, the US system of naming military aircraft changed a lot. The current system used (I.E. The F for Fighter) was adopted in 1948 if I'm not mistaken. Back then it was P for pursuit. Hence, the famous P-51 was renamed the F-51 after that.

I know it sounds distracting, but the truth is, there's a lot of naming systems out there and I daresay it's impossible to try one without using one that already exists or has existed.

Oh and by the by, the F-11 is a fictionalized version of the P-39. That plane sucked in RL (except in the hands of the Russians) but after doing some extensive research on the aircraft, I realized that it had great potential if it wasn't ruined by the USAAC in 1939. It's a long story, but that's the gist of it.


There's definitely a feel of a world war 2 to the story. Ekove is clearly non-human, cat-like, but everyone else is just referred to as people, that I saw, are they human? Is everyone a cat-like being? Are you being intentionally ambiguous?


Yes they are human. In my word 95% of the population is Human, the rest are of three other species. Kahrie compose 1.9% of non-human species.

So as a general rule, unless one of my character's is referenced as another species, you can safely assume they're human.



Technology seems appropriate fow WW2 era.

I didn't note any magic reference.

I did note it strange that there would be an aircraft carrier created by a country with only 7 million people...that seems inappropriate, but only because I know how big and expensive and resource hungry those things are in this world.


I know, I did it on purpose. I wanted Ledorn to have the largest navy proportional to the population of the country. For all my concern for realism and the economics of warfare, I decided to just let this slide.

Also there's a very distinct reason why magic doesn't exist in my world... it did exist before, but is now gone. I'll PM you an explantion of this, and if you're interested, I'll send you a file containing my sketch of the world, thought some details are sketchy, it should give you a general idea of what's going on.

One final fact... the world my stories is based in is quite... large. In fact, it's double the size of our planet. If I give you a map of my world, the sea that Ekove flew over might not seem all too big, but if you calculate the distance it's actually larger than the North Atlantic.

AgentRustyBones
March 3rd, 2007, 08:32 AM
WW-

I wouldn't worry about sending me any additional material, yet. The questions I raised above were simply questions I had as I was reading--without the benefit of a map or any reference material from the back or front of an actual book.

I would focus instead on writing the tale that you want to write. Like I said before, overall the writing is quite sharp and I don't think you would have all that much editing and fine tuning to do on the story up to this point.

Get the story down, if you want someone to critique or review other parts of it, feel free to let me know by private message or to post parts here.

You've got a good, solid start.

Good luck,

Doug
aka Agent Rusty Bones