From what I could read (not a lot, mind you), I didn't see any connection to science fiction, fantasy or horror.
Besides that, there are too many grammatical errors and changes of tense to make this worth a serious critique.
I would recommend finding a site that matches the audience you are writing for.
aka Agent Rusty Bones
March 5th, 2007, 10:30 PM
first off thanks so much guys
but perhaps i should have explained more to the story. its starts off in the real world than it goes into this fanstay world. its a very dark book, and although the main characters are pretty young(i have to write a character i'll understand), i would'nt recommend if kids of that age reads the book. but anyway the book is defiently dark fanstay.
March 6th, 2007, 12:45 AM
I'm a glutton for punishment, so if you want a full fledged workshopping of the piece, feel free to ask. (I'm being mildly facetious, so don't fret too much.)
I'm not going to it here in a forum post. I go into far too much detail for that.
I'd rather see the whole chapter before delivering my opinion. Yes, I know they say you've got to catch the reader in the first few lines, but I'm a little bit more generous than that. I like to at least see where something's going before I say one way or another.
From what you've got here, there's plenty of work to be done, but you're obviously a beginner, so I'm not going to flay you alive or anything. Combining your previous exposition and the excerpt you've given us, this could very well turn into something promising, but as someone else once said, "Ideas are a dime a dozen."
I believe you have the potential to be a good writer. It's still an open question as to whether you can become a great one. I remember being told that a writer is basically stuck at the level he starts at. I don't believe that. We all have our ceilings, but they're rarely the same thing as the floor. I look forward to seeing what you're capable of becoming.
March 6th, 2007, 10:08 AM
I would definitely take James up on his offer of a workshopping.
Sorry about my harsh remarks above. I would however, still caution that if your target audience isn't children, then you need to find a way to write about the children in a way that doesn't turn off anyone over 13.
Right now, it reads like fiction for kids--so I wouldn't give it a second glance in the store.
But more importantly, you'll want to be fairly cautious in using children protaganists in a dark fantasy. If really dark, evil things happen to those characters, then it will be very, very hard to get published--no one really wants to foster or promote stuff that dark involving children.
If nothing really bad happens though, then it really wouldn't be 'dark fantasy', at least not in my opinion.
Again, those are just my thoughts on the matter.
Take James up on his offer, if you are serious about improving your writing skills.
aka Agent Rusty Bones
March 6th, 2007, 09:05 PM
Indeed, child characters are hard to market to older audiences. (Look at how people complain about Anakin in Episode I and Boba Fett in Episode II, for example.) As a general rule, readers like to have characters they can identify with. That's not meant to limit you or discount readers with broader tastes. It's the common denominator. You don't have to play to it, but you would do well to keep it in mind.
Rusty makes a fine point of how difficult it'll be to market a dark story involving children. People don't like to see bad things happen to kids. Now, I can see the potential artisitic merit in such a plot, but like the above warning, it's something you need to keep in mind even if you don't want to restrict yourself.
There's a striking contrast between the presumed bright innocence of childhood and the murky depths of the Abyss and its teeming host of hellspawn (or even a run-down slum for that matter). That can be exploited to good effect, but it has to be done skillfully if you want to keep your readers. They may not like what's happening, but if you can connect them to your characters and make them care what happens to them, there's a good chance you can compel them to see the story through to the end. It's no easy thing. You might want to start out with something a little more straightforward, but no one's stopping you from aiming high.
March 7th, 2007, 08:23 PM
First things first - don't post your story in here, the mods say there's no room for it. Click where it says "Stories" on top and do the two steps under "become a member" to activate your Community (http://www.sffworld.com/community/) Account.
After you've activated your Community account, where it says "Already a member log in here (http://www.sffworld.com/community/user.php)!"
From the menu or in the boxes, click where it says "Stories".
Click on the button for "New Stories".
Put in your title, summary and your story. Select genre and make sure it's set to publish. If you set it to draft, nobody can see it. Click on "Save Story" (or "Save Your Story" at the bottom) when you're ready. A big white page will open that says "Your story has been saved".
On the top blue bar, click on the blue button that says "Stories" to go back to the main community section.
On the right in the New Stories box, you should see the title of your story. Click on it.
When the page opens, copy the URL from the address box and post it in the Writer's Forum to ask for your critique.
March 7th, 2007, 08:59 PM
I love that you're taking the time to develop your characters first and are not leaping straight in to the good part.
“GET OFF THE PHONE! YOU CHILDISH LITTLE–,” thirteen year old Emma nearly swore. Oh she didn’t have a problem with it of course(not speaking for her parents), but to bring it to the point of yelling a curse word will be a bit much. She was of average height and skinnier than the other girls at her school. But this is not the only peculiarity she had about her. She had extreme pale skin, along with such a tone of skin, she had glowing blue eyes as if she had flashlights shining behind them, and dark brown hair. But the paleness of her skin suited her, because she was well…beautiful.
These parts in green you've telling us about her instead of showing us her. How else might you show struggling with not wanting to say a curse word?
Also, you should have a comma before the closing quotes. Punctuation. I'd added a red one for you.
His voice clearly coming from behind the couch, Emma raced towards it. Moments later Danny gave a great wail of pain, as Emma pulled him up by his hair. With his hair being so dirty and unkempt it was a surprise that it grew to the base of his neck.Why is it a surprise his hair grows to the base of his neck?
Danny still wailing in pain, swung his fist around madly, knocking things over as he did(even a picture of the decease Grandmother and her beloved cat).
“I told you to get off the phone,” Emma said hotly, releasing Danny, strains of hair remaining in her hand.
“Emma Marie Fisher what are you doing to your brother?” said a tall, frail women. She had a heart-shaped face, blue eyes(though not as magical as her kids), and dark brown hair, somewhat like a thirty-five year old Emma, minus the pale skin.
Why is the picture of Danny's deceased grandmother and her cat in parentheses?
Once again, you need to put in a comma before the closing quotes, I've added one in red for you. Also, Emma's mom is not saying, she's asking. Here you can use a question-mark. I've added one in red.
You should put this into a word processing program to find a lot of these.
It's not a bad start for a first draft.
As always, I've only expressed my opinion in this critique, you are free to accept or reject anything I've said here.
March 7th, 2007, 11:13 PM
thanks again everyone and i have no harse feelings for the people who murdered me. but i would also like to know is there anything good about it. anything i need to keep up. or something that i need to completely chuck up, like my writing style perhaps. thanx.