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March 15th, 2007, 11:11 AM
Just a hook to get you to read the post. :) I posted the first three chapters of my story on the website: the first chapter can be found here:


You might recognize it from a previous critique post - and the audience here was very helpful with the direction I finally chose to go in (thank you very much).

If you could read the story and comment - it is a rough draft (not really edited) but I want to get a feel for the tempo and pacing as well as the dialog. Any other comments or critiques are welcome.

Thank you in advance!


James Carmack
March 15th, 2007, 08:56 PM
Well, you've definitely got me intrigued. From a storyteller's perspective, you've got yourself a good setup here. As a matter of craftsmanship, there are some typos and other sticky points, but those can be weeded out easily enough.

If you want a thorough line-by-line workshopping, I don't mind doing that for you or any other author here, but you have to ask for it.

Anyway, to reiterate, you're off to a good start. With a little cleanup, you'll have a story fit for primetime at the rate you're going. Keep up the good work.

March 15th, 2007, 10:17 PM

Impressive reworking. You're onto something pretty darn good.

Some editing to do, as you mentioned yourself, but I like the changes from your original posted sample.

aka Agent Rusty Bones

March 16th, 2007, 10:04 AM
Thank you both for the responses. I do need to go back and edit the dialog and clean up the writing; but I figured I would do that after I had written some more and got a better feel for my characters.

My questions are this - do I need to have more personality in this scene. The next chapter sets up Dhaen and the land a bit more; but I wasn't sure if I needed to go further into it with this scene.

I also think my dialogs are a bit stunted, I need to have better (and possibly longer) dialog's between Dhaen and the girl.

Either way, thank you for the advice; and I would look forward to a further review/workshop.


James Carmack
March 18th, 2007, 09:27 AM
Well, CD, if you'd be kind enough to send an RTF copy of the chapter to james@palidormedia.com, I'll do a fully annotated, line-by-line workshop of the chapter. (And if you don't know, RTF is "Rich Text Format", the document format I prefer to work with. Just about any word processor can save in RTF, so you shouldn't have any problems no matter what WP you use.)

March 20th, 2007, 03:57 AM
I like it! There are a couple of places where the tense is inconsistent, and if I were you and using omniscent POV I would separate out the POV's of the different characters at least by paragraph, but that's just me. I enjoyed the read and it made me wish there were more than 6 pages ^_^

March 20th, 2007, 08:16 AM
Thank you. I have gone back and edited the first chapter to make it flow better, but I definitely appreciate the positive feedback! I added more description regarding the gypsy migration/history; more conversation with the girl to build up her character a bit and a better paced ending. Thanks again!

March 20th, 2007, 06:35 PM
I haven't gone back to reread it yet, but I didn't think there was any real lack of description as it was. Be careful about adding too much history too early on. Reading about the history of a character or group of characters I know little or nothing about bores me immensely.

James Carmack
March 20th, 2007, 11:37 PM
Well, I just finished reading the new version. Several of the sticky points from the first draft crossed over, but since you've indicated that you'd like me to workshop your stuff, we can take care of that later.

What I'll discuss here is the main point of this latest draft: the history of the Gypsies. It was good background info, but it came across rather clunky. I recommend streamlining the tale or, if you've got the poetic chops for it, showing the actual lyrics. It doesn't have to be iambic pentameter or anything, but going at it from a poet's point of view would probably do a lot to improve the flow and smooth out the jagged edges.

At any rate, the changes haven't hurt the piece by any stretch of the imagination. We just gotta keep on polishing. Ganbare, CD.