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SubZero61992
March 16th, 2007, 10:04 PM
Just read it and its pronounced Uh-Mall Ka-Reem

Amal Karim had a deep sickness in his stomach as he walked down concrete stairs. He missed a step and collided with the crowd ahead of him, drawing a barrage of profanities. Clumsily, he removed his glasses hoping people would see him as a mature man, not a nine teen year old college student. But it seemed no one cared less then a minute later, when air raid alarms began to ring. Karim knew it was coming, the screams of panicked women and their children. Quickly he grabbed a paper bag at his feet and threw up lunch. He feared that it would turn out this way… a small and crowded fall-out shelter with no room to breathe. He was one person… one person in the midst of a global event.

I think that underlined sentence is a good way to start a story with atleast 2 different perspectives.

James Carmack
March 18th, 2007, 09:33 AM
And those perspectives would be what?

Feel free to expound a little further if you're wanting feedback.

SubZero61992
March 18th, 2007, 01:24 PM
Yeah sorry I posted that under the wrong screen name but I made that thread about having more then one character on different sides of a story so you could kill off one of them and continue with another.

James Carmack
March 18th, 2007, 08:28 PM
Oh, okay. I remember that thread.

Yeah, the underlined sentence works fine, but you don't need to come out and say it's a global event. Heck, if you're wanting more than two perspectives in a conflict, it doesn't have to be global. You could have the Hatfields and the McCoys feudin' over their little corner of the Appalachians and you'd get the same effect.

Beyond that, a wide scope is implied in any event that's forcing mass movements of the population into shelters. If you want to put a point on it by being explicit, that's fine, but it's not by any means necessary.

SubZero61992
March 22nd, 2007, 04:54 PM
Ok lol heres another part of the story, its not right after the chapter but close enough for you to peak at it.
Im just writing chapters, not really editing it yet, because if I get into that mess I'll get bored and quit. Its long so I dont really expect you to read it, its just everytime I log off for awhile people send me messages saying they like my work. :( I always let them down.


"Now people! The United Core States Air Force just wrapped up their bombing of Thera's major communication towers and military command offices. The Buljian Special Operations Forward Command operators will be doing joint operations with our own UCS operators. The city will be a mess. We've agreed to wear uniforms with Thera identification tags in order to be more indigenous during the operation." informed General Thornton. "Now boys, this is a much simpler mission than those to come. If you can get inside that bunker and disable their entire air defense system this war will be one page in history. But failure has a much bigger price. Our airships are vital to keep troops on the front line, and I can guarantee you that their 70 mph speed cant out run a missile!" he laughed.
Few special operators laughed; most were veterans of a previous civil war in the United Core States. The war hadn't lasted long, but once reunified the country was stronger then ever. Vaughan felt uncomfortable, sitting among the foreign Buljian operators. They were slim and pale. Most had stiff hair spiked into Mohawks. They were all very different from the UCS commandos, who varied from different sizes and colors.
"My Sons... if you are identified the outcome will be horrific. You will be alone in that city. Our ground forces cannot land to support you with their defense network online. Which means there can be no medical evacuations, no re-supply drops. The only hope you have is each other. Our actual forces on the ground right now are five days away from Thera." the General paused. His eyes scanned the paper from which he read, but he noticeably skipped the end. There was not one commando who missed this fact, but none questioned it.
"Go kit up... the Theran vehicles are ready." ended the General. Vaughan stood up and stretched. Around him the room flickered into talkative conversations as they filed out double doors in the back.
"Yo, Medic! Vaughan!" greeted a familiar voice. Vaughan turned around, and greeted his team breacher, Gretchen. He was a dark skinned, think muscled man who believed Vaughan was too secretive. He exchanged high fives, and they walked out of the room together. Gretchen waited until they reached their lockers, away from the Buljians. He shook his head laughing and pointed with his thumb at them.
"Man, check those brothers out! They going in stylish aren't they? My damn, they look like they're about to break it down on the run way!" he chuckled. Vaughan got in an awkward smirk and "heh". Gretchen shook his head.
"Come on man, we're a team here, get in some laughs before we get into some deep ****. Too much hostility man! Is it because Im black?" he laughed.
"Ha, no dude, Im just a silent person. I do my job and I do it the best I can." Vaughan replied pulling light-weight body armor over his head and clicking the magnetic straps together.
"Alright, man." Gretchen said. "Well, let me know if that stretcher gets too heavy for you. I could hold about a hundred more pounds on these oxen!" Vaughan eyed Gretchen's biceps, which instantly supported his claim.
"I'll see you at the loading bay." Vaughan said clutching the Theran undercover uniform.

James Carmack
March 22nd, 2007, 08:27 PM
A man called Gretchen? Reminds me of a boy named Sue...

In all seriousness, though, this is a very rough cut. Even so, there's potential here. (Don't get too excited, though. I find potential in most stories. Potential alone won't cut it.) There's a bit of a Starship Troopers vibe here (the book, not that God-awful movie), which is a good thing.

There's some serious cleaning that needs to be done, but if it works better for you to punch through the story first, do it. Once you're done, go back and get to cleaning. Once you've done that, come back here and we'll talk turkey.

Now, if you want help on the editing front, I'm not opposed to helping. I'm going to start a thread to lay out my terms. Yes, it's all rather presumptive of me, but if I'm going to be helping people, I don't need to be repeating myself.

Keep it up, SubZero. Like Mary Tyler Moore, you might just make it after all. (The first season of the show was less optimistic, you see.)

SubZero61992
March 23rd, 2007, 08:07 AM
Ha ok thanks.
Im going by last names for the soldiers, so the black man named Gretchen is actually his last name. Marcus Gretchen... may sound a little off now but in the future you'll never know.
I want to make the sentences flow smoothly, but if I get into that right now it'll ultimately stop me.

James Carmack
March 24th, 2007, 05:00 AM
I had a feeling "Gretchen" was the guy's last name. I couldn't help teasing you a bit, though. That's just how I roll. ^_^

Scifi and fantasy gives you a little extra leeway when it comes to naming. Hey, when "Duncan Idaho" is perfectly respectable, you can't complain too much about "Marcus Gretchen."