I wake up and can see nothing, but I feel a hell of a lot.
Darkness encloses me in... well, I can't remember where. All I feel was pain; in my head, hand, and arm. It starts to come back a little, not a lot, but some. The mutant man has done this to me, and he hadn't had a problem in doing so. But I can't force myself to blame him; I would've done the same, probably worse.
He knew it was me, too. He could recognize me easily, and he showed me pity. I owe my life to him because he let me live even after all of the things that I'd done to him, all of the suffering I'd caused him. He saved my life, but he wasn't making me pleasant by any stretch of the imagination.
I found it all a little awkward, myself.
"I wake up and see nothing" sounds better to me without the "can."
"Darkness closes me in" or "Darkness surrounds me" -- "Darkness smothers me" -- "Darkness envelopes me" -- encloses me is awkward.
It would be "all I felt was pain" -- to keep in the same tense with that sentence ... or "all I feel is pain" to keep in the same tense as everything before.
"The mutant man did this to me." ---
I think there are some serious style and grammar issues here. Look on craigslist for an inexpensive proofreader/editor for help on that. I think you sould revisit it paying particular attention to grammar and tense... also, keeping things in an active voice.
Otherwise, you've got some great imagry in there, and I'd liket o read it again after you revise the grammar and style issues.
Okay -- now your turn. Look under this thread for mine:
Critique: Rowan of the Wood (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16424)
I look forward to your comments.
April 4th, 2007, 08:35 PM
I won't lie to you. It's pretty rough on a number of levels, but you've got a good premise here and it comes off pretty well in spite of its flaws. You narrowly get enough development into the short running time, so I'm not going to push you for more length lest the piece becomes unbalanced.
Technical detail: I sure hope there's someone in the facility who knows first aid or I don't reckon our protagonist would make it too long. Also, unless the mutant man used a rather high caliber weapon, there's a remote chance those fingers could be reattached. Might be a bit shorter when it's all said and done, but I can't think of anyone who'd object to that so much.
Also, what's a scientist doing with a Glock? (At least I'm guessing our protagonist is a scientist. Administrators or security wouldn't be all that likely to be wearing labcoats, I'd think.) Are all the personnel in the facility issued sidearms or something? And were did he off himself? In the office? At home? (In the case of the latter, implying the Glock is the home defense weapon, it works, but you should have him do something like pull it out of a drawer, take off the lock, load the clip, pull back the slide, switch off the safety, and then have curtain call.)
Power to the J
April 4th, 2007, 09:33 PM
Thanks for the feedback. Not to make excuses but (lol) I first wrote this as 3rd person, and in the past tense, so I guess I didnt proofread well enough.
Kalitara- just wanted to say that in one of the examples you gave me, the protagonist is speaking of something that happened to him earlier, so...
James Carmack- I left alot of the details out so they could be inferred (as in The Giver)
April 4th, 2007, 10:44 PM
You should only grant so much room for inference. If the reader has to write the bulk of the story himself, he might wonder why he's bothering to read your piece in the first place. A desire to make some mystery is no excuse for losing the suspension of disbelief.
Power to the J
April 5th, 2007, 11:19 AM
Alright thanks for the feedback. I'll make the changes later on today.