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April 6th, 2007, 04:41 PM
I want someone to give a few criticism to my story, comments and etc. I had spent time editting it and not finished yet, since of course I had too many 'metaphoric' descriptions that could easily confuse the reader. The book is subtitled as "Scars of Eternity", here is the prologue:


THE PROLOGUE: Scars of Eternity

A voice lingered through outer space, “The time has finally risen, for this aged life and dying universe to be substituted by another. On the other hand, a closing encounter of devastation would be a fitting end. Unleash the Guardian Destroyers; they shall become a proper destructive demonstration.” The voice faded out and echoed before vanishing.


Then there was the spark of light, brightening the shadows of a vast world of darkness. Years rolled by, creating an age of time that changed lives of the first epoch forever. The story began when a tremendous explosion deteriorates the bound of space, which then opened a portal from and to another world. Nevertheless, within this flaming judgment of pulsing menace, had unleashed the deadliest sins our universe had ever come across. Surrounding the field of stars and darkness, divulged three powerful deities; from shadow and dusk, they came, through their world to ours and there they stood, floating aerial in the defiant stare of space, preparing for a conflict of destruction against one another. Their eyes, shimmered different spectrum of colors, but all gazed at each divinity, as the role of influential power creating a rhythm within their empty, yet deviant hearts. Doom was set into the center of madness, as all three, postures for their first and final battle. What lingered in each of their minds is a question unanswered, but what they knew was to be the end of a beginning, and the genesis of a total disaster organized to initiate. One had spread its wings, covering the spectral light of the sun like an eclipse, while the others positioned themselves. None took hesitation, as all charged like predator and prey, and the peril of an everlasting hunt.

There was no halt to the remarkable strength each of them empowered. Only one had to rise victorious. At last, the battle began; one of pierced its blazing claws into the already broken heart of another beast. Wings aided them to soar throughout the field of space, an infinite battleground. However, only two of them soared opposite ways, just before ascending back to return the attack. The one that stood watching penetrated forth, striking in lethal valor.

The creature on the left, had fierce crimson eyes, standing on all of its four large legs, and with a diamond-shaped frontal face where the eyes plotted from the sides, and a pointed beak that of a winged predator. Then the roar of the brute on the right echoed. Its eyes throbbing in an azure hue, while it stood heroically on two legs, arms crossed over its metallic chest but blades wielded and a face that held a dreaded calm. The final beast, twirled the body and a tail of a dragonish divine being, a soft vibrating aura intended it was female with a pair of prominent golden eyes gazing at her rivals.

She spoke tenderly, “The time has come to end all things.”

“Only one may rise from the battle,” said the one with swords. The serpentine thrashes her scythe-shaped tail of this steel bladed deity, who stands unafraid and fearless, “I shall be victorious!”

Their fatal introduction, finally prepared for a true defeat, closing to the conclusion of all things. There was no hesitation to their goal towards victory, as each and all of them forged all of their power into one. Neither enemies nor allies, the goal of their purpose was to destroy each other and create a new beginning to the universe and a new end for a genesis of another. Then all of a sudden, a struck of flames pulsated from the skies of darkness and in the center of their circle, a voice speaks.

“I did not create you three to stand and speak to your heart’s content. I made all of you to generate the most devastating confliction in battle that any force on our side, has ever seen. Fight or I shall tear down the eternal realm, and put an end to you all, myself,” said the voice from above, with a dark and wicked tone of accent.

However, it continued to echo, as soon three enormous flaming eyes structures from above. The fire revolving around the pupils, looking down towards three deities that stand below and before the one they call, The Creator.

The warrior bladed god charged upwards, its fists as giant rapiers to tear away the eyes of fire. Then at that very moment, the doomed guardians followed aloft the rising flames that surround them all. Before all of them could realize surrender or fleeing at the midst of battle, the creator’s eye, flaming in pure madness and darkness ablaze, the eye struck a devastating inferno that pulsed even greater and more powerful in both strength and size each second that progressed. There was no thought of him being defeated in any way, so the only means to end this was to finish them with his influential powers.

The three of them had no reason to fight each other anymore, but grew a much deeper reason to fight against their true enemy, the eye of the beholder. They quickly charged forth towards the eye, wings flutter like that of the halos of great comets. The portal of the eye had been opened. Suddenly the growing inferno was producing too fast that the gate became affected by the flaming energy, opening the portal even further. So all three deities agreed to end their once known master, and wedge the gate with their own bodies. Claws gripping upon the gate’s sinister doorway, they worked in unison, like true divine beings.

“We must work together, if we want to end these chains that bind us. All at once, we must force our powers to close the gate,” said the deity with steel blades and swords as his flesh.

The serpent nods. The only strength needed to close the gateway entirely is that of the godly beast, using his diamond-shaped forehead to push against the portal’s entry, but it was not enough. “Vengeance shall be ours!” roared the beast, as finally he gathered all of his strength, emerging his giant claws against the gate, and helping his godly companions shut the doorway from this world to the other, forever. The fires grew higher. The flames and that of their bodies were beginning to vaporize and turn into ash.

They didn’t give up; they only grew and that last second of hope, each of them forced their powers at once. The seals of the gateway forged with their bodies materialized as a fastened lock. Silence whispered and the flames of the eye disappeared for centuries to pass and pass, until no sign of that evil ever came back. Slowly the atmosphere of the universe grew brighter and precious with vivid starlight and planetary vibrancy. However, from the seal, a soft glow of light struck through the starry skies of space. The light of three colors had severed in the midst of the universe, the cold out reaches of it surrounding froze this beam into a physical comet until it reached upon a planet. This world, so vibrantly green and blue until the crystallized comet of light collides, creating a vast explosion that causes a viral storm. What this collision created was massive, the living illusions of other planets that died; that impact crafted something many living things must need the most to survive on, oxygen. There was the thought of no hope, as all those that took breath, failed and fallen, died upon the hands of the Guardian Destroyers’ honor to save the universe, and fell too short.

Miraculously, as time evolved and shifted forward, the lives below upon that once fallen planet were rising again. They began building a new life for their own, by generation and generation. Even at the last moment of expectation and point in time, these living miracles heaved themselves, and growing their world even greater and much more beautiful than it was before. Maybe what ever happened that destroyed the life upon the planet was meant to be, and what reason it was to put together a novel of existence and life. This world was once known as Earth, or so as they formerly knew and said.

Therefore, this is a story after our age, our era, and a legend that shall foretell a new beginning to a new world. The same world humanity once strived upon, the same world our hope had kept us free and yet, prisoned. For centuries and long filled decades of time, our world has changed far greater than any, in aspects darker and brightest in between. What humanity and mankind knew of the lands they walked ahead and seen has been altered. It is not that of our old world, not that of any world in any way. For this new planet, this daughter of graceful yet dead mother Earth has finally given birth. For years that passed, many besides us humans that once stridden over our lands now live alongside with the species and races of several others. These new living beings, with hearts and many with none, immigrated from the deep reaches of outer space and the galactic regions of the slowly collapsing universe. These have become the scars of eternity; forever etching a mark of supremacy, and a parable fable of the few that now saunters this fresh natural world of Aria, daughter of Earth.

The humans and the creatures that live amongst each other now have lifted away the fog that once killed many lives, and altered existence so long ago. It was known to those who fell in mystery and hope as three diminishing balls of light, but to this very day and bright new eon, we all call this legendary destruction not as a bad omen but as a gift from the guardians for new hope. That legendary prophecy now lingers in far reaches of the world, but now nearly reduced since the rise of humanity and extraterrestrials; they call this phenomenon, Zero Oxide.

April 8th, 2007, 03:20 PM
i didn't read all of it, the begining kind of put me off. I glanced through it but it seems to me that it's all telling and not near enough showing.

Im trying to think of how you could improve on it. What i get from this prologue is that it's like a re-telling of an event, so if that is that case then maybe it would be better written as dialogue, sort of have someone telling the story to other characters, rather than you telling the reader what happened.

April 8th, 2007, 07:04 PM
Yes its basically re-telling an event in the story, since I plan this to be a series. I had mixed feelings of the prologue, so you do think I should have like some sort of character narrating the entire prologue?

April 8th, 2007, 08:23 PM
I think that's one way to do it. The way you have it right now could work as well, but the writing would need to be tightened.

April 9th, 2007, 12:02 AM
Would you be so kind as to sort of give me an example using one of the paragraphs from the prologue to show me what 'ways' you have in mind? That would truly be a big appreciation. Thank you.:D

April 9th, 2007, 01:16 AM
It's hard to try and write it in my own words when I'm not sure what the prologue is about, if I had to guess I would say maybe a myth about the birth of some greater deities.

Looking at it again, I think you could put quoation marks around the whole thing, because it seems to me someone is telling the story to another person. I think there's too much telling in there to do it any other way.

James Carmack
April 9th, 2007, 10:36 PM
You've got some vivid imagery here. That's good. However, the narrative is painfully awkward and overwrought. Rather than flowing like water, it's a river of chunky peanut butter. Now, I like my peanut butter, but you can't drink it. Streamline and simplify. I'm not going to tell you anything fluffy-headed like "The line is cliche" (as in the very concept of the line of prose), but you can say just as much with less words. Read the piece out loud. If you're tripping up and getting tangled, you need to rewrite it. You might say, "It's not a speech," but if you make it easy to say, it'll be easy to read, too. That doesn't mean you have to dumb it down. Clean prose doesn't have to be stupid. Elegance needs to be your goal.

Unlike Penny, I don't have a problem with the telling 'cause that's precisely what this segment is for. We're not there, as it were. It's simply a lofty recollection, so it there's no need for show. Now, if you write the whole dang story this way, we'll have problems. Such a distant narrative has a very limited place in modern fiction. Go beyond that and your reader will never connect to the story. Verbum sat sapienti.