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April 27th, 2007, 04:05 PM
Hey, all. Just something my mind came up with. I don't think its really going anywhere but i would like some feedback on grammar, punctuation, atmosphere etc please. Basically, what do you think? Thanks. Cel.

She came in the darkness. A light to the blackness that smothered his soul. No questions asked, no answers given, just a gentle hand to his forehead that seemed for an instance to lift him from his despair. In an agony, his being would struggle against his bonds of pity, fighting towards the surface, from the murky depths to the flickering warmth. For a moment he would breathe free air, before being dragged back down, a choking cry dying on his lips. It seemed then; in the black after her departure, that not even the stars shone their feeble light on him. But slowly, with time, there was a little less dark, a little more light, a little less black, a little more white. And each time she came a little more warmth seeped into his conscious and another tiny prick shone on his horizon. Until, in one of his endless nights, he looked up and saw a thousand glimmering stars. In the centre of that once ebony sky, the shimmering moon, her face etched upon its silvery surface. He had a long way to go before he reached the brilliant sun, but it was a beginning, one of the many steps along the road he traversed. And wherever his step faltered, her lantern led the way.

Rose lae
April 27th, 2007, 08:38 PM
Speechless (If you can speak Elvish) Mae pennen!!!! Its perfect in every way............I love it..............The words, said by time, eloquently trapped in ink and paper. They ebb beauty and wonder. Oh time, your words are flowing from your lips, splashing the paper. Say more, for your words make me long for more. The words, said by time, eloquently trapped in ink and paper.:D

April 28th, 2007, 09:04 AM
:o Wow, thanks Rose Lae. Wasn't expecting that sort of response. Is there anything that you think could be better/changed/edited? Anything that jumps out at you?

Anyone else got anything to say?

Thanks all.


Rose lae
April 28th, 2007, 09:13 AM
I like it just the way it is.........:D

April 28th, 2007, 02:24 PM
I dig it

It seems like a stream-of-consciousness sort of deal; and I like that. Perhaps, you might want to structure it to be more like a poem, as it comes off like that.

1st post, hi

April 28th, 2007, 03:24 PM
Hi Jason and welcome to the forums. Thanks for the comment. I hadn't really thought about it as a poem, but i think you're right. I'm just not sure how i will break it up. I'll certainly have a look though. Any suggestions?