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Naicisum
May 7th, 2007, 01:17 PM
Hi folks, some time ago I started writing something that is meant to become a fantasy/sf book (aiming for a trilogy) one day in the far-away future...
I want to know whether it's useful to continue...
That's where you guys jump in :)
I'd love for you to check out this first extract and tell me your opinion.
Read past the first line plz, I did not write a religious story... :eek:
>>>>>

NAICISUM

“Whence Darkness will root and spread its wings, whence Hope will have fled, leaving naught but despair, thence shall Light emerge, thence shall the Messiah come…”


Darkness…
Warm, sweet, soothing Darkness, neverending, everlasting, infinite Darkness, Darkness felt by those of which the mind is locked away from the body, Darkness convincing one to stop fighting, to lay down arms, to leave one’s present existence, accept, and enter the void. Nothing but Darkness until the mind achieves victory, conquers Darkness, and embraces Pain. Pain inherent to the renewed connection of body and mind, Pain of the body, translated onto the mind, Pain strong enough to kill the mind, unless the mind overcomes the Pain, retranslates it onto the body, showing itself the true ruler. A retranslation followed by a revival of consciousness, the return of my senses, and the taste of blood in my mouth…
Life starts flowing through my veins again as the rays of our weakening sun carefully advance over my body. I open my eyes to immediately close them again, even now with this faint sun of ours, they can’t handle the light. How dark must times have grown if we’re not resistant to a bit of light anymore? The sudden presence of this one question causes others to pop up my mind: Where am I?, What am I doing here?, Who am I? …
I lose track of time, hopelessly forcing myself to find an acceptable answer for any of these questions, until Time himself hits me, in the shape of a rain drop. So here I lay, not knowing who I am, where I am, nor what I am doing here, while the rain continues with keeping time on my track. My clothes all soaked, a wet face and the salty taste of water on my lips: time to open my eyes. The light, though dimmed by the rain, remains to be a challenge for my eyes. I stare at the horizon, where the combination of rain and sun light has given birth to a rainbow…
No name, no life, no past and God’s creation showing off to impress me, I decide to remember this day as the day of my rebirth, though still doubting whether or not to drop the ‘re’.

I pull my weary body from the gutter and smoothly wipe the dirt off my clothes while doing so. I’m standing, though one could better picture it as balancing on two unsteady legs. Reluctantly I move towards the wall, allowing myself a spark of joy when I safely reach it, significantly reducing odds on a second acquaintance with the gutter. Exhaustion has struck my body and hence another question gets added to my neverending list, this way nursing the gap in my memory. A man can only take a certain amount of questions, and considering the importance of mine, I exceeded this amount by far. Surged by this new thought I leave the wall behind to go and find myself some clarifying answers.
Ambulating through the desolate streets of what once was a global city, I see naught but neglected buildings and rubbish spread all over the streets. Seldom can one detect the hopeful green of a young seedling, a precursor of Nature, claiming back what once was hers. These remains of a broken society make me long for my gutter again, make me wish I had never opened my eyes…
In a sudden flashback an image of the streets like they were - vivid, full of people, and traffic - comes to me, followed by a news emission showing burning cities. The emission pointed to the fact that appearantly the number of us-presidents was never meant to exceed the number of stars on the flag, for the burning cities were merely the first sign of a rooting cancer, a cancer that would devour everything, a cancer that would destroy an entire civilization…

A terrible stench draws my attention away from these thoughts, back into reality, where something in the air is taking my breath. Curious for the source of this unpleasant smell, I increase my speed, only to discover a bum, roasting rats above a small tower of burning car tires. Nearly without noticing him, my eyes are fixed on the toasted rats. Although the idea of eating one doesn’t exactly appeal to me, I realise that food is the hardest thing to find in times like these. Assuming he’ll want something in trade, my hand searches my pocket, and finds a wrapped piece of paper. I unfold it with shaking hands. Can this paper give me a clue, can it lead me to a long-awaited answer? I read the word on the paper, four, five times… “Naicisum”, … what am I supposed to make of that? “Naicisum”, … it sounds familiar, though there’s nothing I can relate it to. “No name, no…”-hold on, a rebirth calls for a new name, and here I have mine; atleast this way I earn myself some identity.

<<<<<
Posts being limited to a 1000 words caused me not being able to insert the full draft that has been written by now. For those who would actually like to read it: It's all available on http://naicisum.wordpress.com/

ty for reading,
Naicisum

PS: Oh, and btw: has anyone noticed that I'm not a native speaker?

James Carmack
May 7th, 2007, 07:37 PM
I have to tell you, Music Man, I couldn't tell you were a non-native speaker from this piece. Actually, you seem to be more literate than the vast majority of natives. ^_^; I'm an EFL teacher, so I'm rather used to the common stumblings. I found none of them here.

You've got an interesting piece here, though perhaps a bit overwrought. It doesn't make for nice, smooth reading, but with this piece, the style actually seems to fit. My advice: Try reading the piece aloud and you should be able to catch any parts that come off as a little too convoluted.

Also, I would suggest you submit to the Stories section on this site if you want people to read your stuff. Posting large excerpts here on the forums isn't the ideal course of action. Also, the mods occasionally take offense to posting links to your own site, but since you did it within the context of your submission, I don't think anyone'll complain.

Lastly, you don't need to get that antsy about not writing a religious story. Most of us here, regardless of what we believe or don't believe, will take in a wide range of subject matter. Bad writing and poor manners are more likely to offend us than any religious themes to your piece. After all, it's not like this site is run by Ayatollah Khamenei or anything. No one's gonna sic the Basij on you.

metalhd4ever
May 7th, 2007, 10:15 PM
I think the first paragraph was quite poetic. You spoke of "Darkness" with the capital as though you were discussing a living thing. The piece is obviously quite deep and more than this excerpt would need to be read.

I am curious to find out more of the setting. It seemed to start off in modern times as you mention "car tires" and such.

Lastly, I too admit that i had no inkling of a language barrier.

metalhd4ever
May 7th, 2007, 10:17 PM
Ayatollah Khamenei

Sorry if i show ignorance as I am quite good at doing so, but I must ask:

Who in the high, holy hell is that?!?!!?!?
:D

James Carmack
May 8th, 2007, 01:37 AM
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the current Supreme Leader of Iran, the successor to the infernal Ayatollah Khomeini. Obviously, a story with any religious themes would run afoul of him and the mullahs (unless it stuck to the party line, that is). No one may expect the Spansh Inquisition, but you can count of a visit from your friendly neighborhood Basij if they think you've been naughty.

My point was that this forum is not some tyranny that clamps down on the minds of its denizens. Musician seemed a little paranoid, so I felt like reassuring him a bit.

Naicisum
May 8th, 2007, 03:25 PM
Actually I wasn't being paranoid, just afraid that people would think
'O it's a religious story, like hell i'm gonna read that!'
Because that is what I might think ;)
You're one of the first people who immediately figured out Naicisum,
congrats on that :D
It is linked to a nice explanation, with scientific elements, and
something Tolkien once wrote... And no, it would never be considered
a rip-off, just a wink to Tolkien readers. :)

Two things in the above excerpt have been updated:
Darkness felt by those of which the mind is locked away from the body
=> Darkness felt by those of whom the mind is locked away from the body
atleast (lol typo)
=> at least

Don't mind the punctuation, I'm planning on giving some editor a serious headache
somewhere in the future...

Naicisum
May 9th, 2007, 12:55 PM
Could someone tell me how I'm supposed to put my little piece of writing into the stories section?
for some reason I can't find any logical way to post your story >_<

metalhd4ever
May 9th, 2007, 02:41 PM
Click stories at the top blue bar at the top of this page. go to "activate account" under "become a member" and you will find it all from there :) good luck

Naicisum
May 9th, 2007, 03:30 PM
Tried that a hundred times already...
whenever I go to stories I get logged out for some reason,
then I click 'Log in' underneath 'become a member', then I
get a screen with:

No Access!
[register] or [log in] on the forum

I click log in, and I'm logged in on the forum again...
the process is an eternity loop, and I haven't got an
abundance of time to my disposal :(

James Carmack
May 9th, 2007, 08:06 PM
Okay, the code seems a bit wonky, which is why you're having your current problems, but the solution is easy. Log into the forum first and -then- go to the Stories section. Click the "log in here" link and you should be good to go.

As for figuring out the meaning of your handle, Music Man, it looked odd, so I figured that it was either a random character string or an anagram. As it was simply a mirror-image, it didn't take any time to figure out. "Naicisum" is too hard to say (in my head), so I'm just being a mischievous little monkey.

I must be reading too much Meitantei Conan. It's got me looking for puzzles and murder mysteries at every turn. ^_^; I swear, I couldn't help but expect someone to die on my trip to an onsen in the mountains a couple months ago.