View Full Version : Critique: excerpt from a shortstory I'm writing

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

May 8th, 2007, 04:37 PM
Hi everyone, I'm working on a short story that ties into my novel. I'm hoping to submit this to The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction once it's done and polished. I just finished the first section and just wanted to see what kind of a reaction I'd get from readers here. It's a first draft, so naturally it's probably nowhere near what it will be. Also, I'm wondering if anyone here knows if this kind of "humor" is suitable for the literary magazine I mentioned above; I just subscribed to them the other day, but I wont get my first issue until July. Their stuff seems a little more "literary", so I'm just wondering. Anyway, thanks a lot for your time.


James Carmack
May 10th, 2007, 03:33 AM
I liked it, at least. You manage to walk that fine line of painting a detailed picture without clogging your narrative. Your sense of humor is a winner, too.

Speaking of the humor, if the magazine turns the story down on some wild claim of it being "lowbrow", they seriously need to dislodge the stick from their fourth point of contact. There's a time for gravitas, but we can all use a little lighthearted fun now and again. Your story delivers.

Poor Maggie... Victim of one of the more radical diets out there. Next to Atkins, of course. ^_^

May 10th, 2007, 09:44 AM
Thanks, James. Any advice on where I can improve?

May 10th, 2007, 10:39 AM
I found it to be witty. There was an originality to it. If it were in a magazine, I would have read it. lol lol a rat prostitute gotta love that lol.

James Carmack
May 10th, 2007, 08:24 PM
To be honest, J, there's not much I'd do to change this. As you're prepping it for submission, I'm not opposed to giving the piece a thorough workshopping. If you want me to go over it with a fine-tooth comb, send a copy in RTF to james@palidormedia.com and I'll try to get it knocked out as soon as possible.

June 8th, 2007, 04:30 PM
Minor point.

I stumbled when I found 'Tizzy' was male. It sounds like a girl's name to me. Incidentally 'Tizzy' (in Britain at least) means 'a highly excited and distracted state of mind'. So unless Tizzy is a nickname given because the character is easily highly excited I would change it to something a little less camp.

James Carmack
June 8th, 2007, 10:24 PM
"Tizzy" means the same thing in my (original) neck of the woods, so, as near as I can tell, the meaning holds on both sides of the pond.

June 9th, 2007, 02:43 PM
Rodina - ...Rodina the rodent? ^_~

Nostrils as nets, interesting

"I test spells and other concoctions on her. She doesn't seem to mind." - hehe

"Indirectly," she said. "I merely gave her an insatiable appetite, and now she's eaten herself beyond morbid obesity. So far beyond morbid, in fact, that she's officially undead."

"That's nice," said Tizzy, fidgeting with his fingers. - heeeeee! :D

She wiped her face with the cloth and turned an eye to Tizzy, a gaze too ambiguous for him to read. - wording is a little odd here, since the comma is by "Tizzy" it makes it sound like Tizzy is a gaze or Tizzy is the one gazing