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Anthorn
May 11th, 2007, 03:40 PM
First the sentence. "Did you ever love me? Or was i just a piece of meat you could stick your dick into?"
Would that jarr you while reading a Fantasy novel?

And foreshadowing what kind of forshadowing is acceptable?

And i have this phrase which keeps popping up in random places. "She comes from beneath you.."
What do u think.

metalhd4ever
May 11th, 2007, 04:11 PM
To analyze "she comes from beneath you" w/ no context what so ever of the story and what it's referring too (for me and me alone) is........impossible. It's a meaningless statement w/ no background.

As far as foreshadowing. To a point, I personally, feel it gives the reader something to look forward too w/o reading blindly and waiting for something to happen. With foreshadowing it allows reading w/ anticipation to an event.

Of course misuse of it will just give the entire plot away rendering it......useless. My opinion for what it's worth.

JBI
May 11th, 2007, 08:08 PM
Every story has for shadowing. Just don't overuse the prophecy bug. As Chekhov said, if there is a pistol on the mantle in the first act, it will be shot in the end of the third act.

Expendable
May 11th, 2007, 08:23 PM
First the sentence. "Did you ever love me? Or was i just a piece of meat you could stick your dick into?"

Would that jarr you while reading a Fantasy novel? Sex is a good hook, people arguing about sex an even better hook. Its like gossip. Addictive.


And foreshadowing what kind of forshadowing is acceptable?
In my novel, i have little interludes, that while exploring a character more in depth also gives some foreshadowing for example. Father not sons real father.
As little as possible, although some can be expected.


And i have this phrase which keeps popping up in random places. "She comes from beneath you.."
What do u think.I think it's lousy. It should be, "She's beneath you," said with utter contempt or disdain.

James Carmack
May 12th, 2007, 01:23 AM
"She comes from beneath you"? What does that even mean?

As for the foreshadowing, foreshadowing's great. Not too many people like a deus ex machina. It's fun to either A) connect the dots or B) go back and say "Ah!" However, a line like "Father is not son's real father" isn't foreshadowing. It's a frickin' spoiler. Nobody likes spoilers. If you're going to just give the story away, what incentive does anyone have to read it? Now, if the boy's extended family always treated him with particular coldness and he could never figure out why, that would be foreshadowing. Foreshadowing hints. It doesn't tell.

Lastly, as for your opening line, I'd find it jarring 'cause that's not the sort of language I'd be expecting in a fantasy story. Doesn't make it wrong, though. If you're crass for crassness' sake, then you're probably gonna bomb, but if you play it well within the context of the story, why not? I've noticed that a lot of the young up and comers are injecting a lot more modern dialog into their works instead of affecting some sort of old-timey speech. It's all in how you use it.

Anthorn
May 12th, 2007, 04:15 AM
It comes from beneath you. Refers to an aincent threat that has been forgotten, I have that the characters hear that phrase in the most random of places, scribbled on walls and other places. Even the main "bad" guy utters this phrase. btw there is no good and evil in my book.


And the father not being the sons real father, was an example, not an example from my story

James Carmack
May 12th, 2007, 04:41 AM
The clarification helps, but the line is still awkward. I can't think of a good alternative at the moment, but I'll give your feverish little mind the chance to work on that.

And it's a good thing "Father not sons real father" wasn't an actual example from your story. You want to poke in little hints and teases, that's fine. Just make sure it's nothing see-through. "The apple falls far from the tree" is a cute little inversion of the old adage that'd serve your purposes, for instance. (Might be a little too corny, though, but you get the idea.)

KatG
May 12th, 2007, 07:44 PM
Anthorn -- as a moderator, I suck. In going to give you a zippy response to your post (copied below,) I pressed what I thought was the Quote button, but turns out to be my special moderator Edit button -- and, well, essentially re-wrote your orignal post accidentally. Trouble is, I didn't quote your entire post in my post, so some of your original post is now lost. Could you do me the huge favor of putting in the missing text, if you can remember it, in another post, and I'll merge them? I'm really, really sorry. In fact, you can just disregard everything I say from hereon in. Disappearing with huge egg on my face now.



First the sentence. "Did you ever love me? Or was i just a piece of meat you could stick your dick into?"

Would that jarr you while reading a Fantasy novel?

It might jar me if I'm reading a book meant for six-year-olds, yes. Otherwise, I have to assume you had a very strict mother when it comes to these things. Also, that you do not read a lot of fantasy.



And foreshadowing what kind of forshadowing is acceptable?

Uh, I don't know. Let me consult with the Grand Poobah on the mountain top and get back to you on that one. Oh, okay, the Grand Poobah says he doesn't care what you do with foreshadowing.



:
And i have this phrase which keeps popping up in random places. "She comes from beneath you.."
What do u think.

I think you should watch Season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and see what they do with "From beneath you, it devours." In any case, it sounds spiffy.