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Woadwarrior
May 25th, 2007, 12:42 AM
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2455p0.html

Well, after a big delay, here's the third chapter of my story with Ekove on it, as I said in the notes, the next chapter will be the last and finally start the whole war that I've been mentioning constantly throughout the chapters I've posted so far.

P.S. as a bit of trivia, I should mention that Janggi is Korean Chess, and the airplanes that flew alongside Ekove in the end were a heavily fictionalized Brewster buffalo (the 'Dagger 1-B') and a P-40E (the 'Mercygiver'). One note I should give about the Dagger airplane... though I took the idea from the Buffalo, the two are anything but alike, it's a totally fictional aircraft that I spent quite a few hours trying to 'design' in my mind. ;)

Please read my story and, of course, feedback would be greatly appreciated.

pennywise86
May 25th, 2007, 12:50 AM
whoa, that first sentence runs on forever. turned me off. On second glance, your writing is full of long sentences. I think you'll find shorter sentences work better. Im stuck in my own writing so i'll procrastinate further by giving you an example.

"The young Kahrie stopped in the passageway to take a deep breath, and clear his mind of negative thoughts as he resumed walking, holding his head up high, his tail steady, and his chest rumbling with a soft purr as he made his way towards the first-class smoking room. He never went there before and though the room's mahogany surfaced walls and the extremely rich decorations didn't surprise him, he was caught off guard when he realized that there was a functioning fireplace in the room. He suppressed a laugh, smiling slightly for a second instead. The ship builders really didn't spare any expensive when they built the ship all those years back."

OR

The young Kahrie stopped in the passageway and took a deep breath. He cleared his mind of any negative thoughts as he resumed walking, his head high, his tail steady, and his chest rumbling with a soft purr. He made his way towards the first-class smoking room. He had never been there before. As he entered he saw the room's mahogany surfaced walls and the extremely rich decorations. Neither surprised him as much as the sight of a functioning fireplace. He suppressed a laugh that almost escaped him. A small smile tugged at his lips. The ship builders really hadn't spared any expenses when they built the ship all those years back.


I could go on but i hope you get the point. The writing's not terrible, and it there's a story there to tell, but it just needs to be tighter and expanded. That scene where he walks into the smoking room, instead of one line you could have used an entire paragraph describing it. What does he see, what does it look like. Try to adhere to as many of the 5 senses as you can. Theres a very large lack of description in the opening bit, even if it is done to keep a mysterious tone, description can actually enhance that mysterious sense. Hope that helped! Now back to my own writing, damn

Woadwarrior
May 25th, 2007, 08:03 AM
I considered deleting the chapter and rewriting it from scratch, but I opted against it when I realized I was already 1,600 words into it and I had left it that way for several weeks.

I figure I'd best follow my Intuition about these in the future... the opening usually isn't that good for me and I end up rewriting it, and it always turns out better.

Thanks for the tip anyways, even though I have heard it several times before (years ago! LOL). Anyways, did you read the whole thing?

pennywise86
May 25th, 2007, 11:09 AM
sorry, can't say that I did. The opening just wasn't really compelling enough to make me keep reading. That's why you should really focus on making the opening as good as possible, to hook the reader right away, as im sure you've heard.

Woadwarrior
May 25th, 2007, 11:17 AM
I figure I'd best get to rewriting that part then.

pennywise86
May 25th, 2007, 07:44 PM
I figure I'd best follow my Intuition about these in the future...

I've come to trust my intuition over the years. If I have a nagging doubt about a scene or even a line, I don't trust that maybe no one else will notice it and maybe it's just me. If it seems wrong to you, likely it will look like that to everyone else as well.

Woadwarrior
May 25th, 2007, 10:37 PM
I believe my story picked up nicely after that line. But in truth, I did have a gut feeling that I should have rewrote the first several paragraphs. Also, it just didn't seem to fit my usual style much either... I normally included a lot of detail, to the extent that some people complained about it!

I've currently written about 600 words in the latest (and last) chapter of Beginnings. The funny thing is, I intended to include a chapter dedicated to Ekove joining the Navy and going through training, but I figure the description of the whole thing would have been a headache to reach... I've actually spoken to three US Navy personal who I met by chance, and I do believe it would have been hectic and generally not worth it. So in the next chapter he skips to his first action... the war doesn't even technically begin yet but he gets his first aerial kill.

I did a hell of a lot of research to make Ekove plauseable... a 15 year old flying legend and he takes part in the entire 15 year WW2ish conflict (which ends up having Vietnam era technology) and becomes both the highest scoring pilot with air-to-air kills and air-to-ground kills as well.

Just as a trivia bit, I based Ekove mostly off Hans Joachim Marseille (not the highest scoring ace, but by far the most amazing) and Hans Ulrich Rudel.

It was a bit complicated making what feats I have in mind plausable, but I did what I could.

Edit: Oh, just a note, I replaced the opening paragraph with one of the one's you suggested. ;)

Woadwarrior
May 28th, 2007, 08:41 PM
EDIT: Can the moderators/admins please tell me how to delete the unwanted posts that I make.:o

Woadwarrior
June 6th, 2007, 01:31 PM
OK, after some thinking, I've decided to pull this chapter off and rewrite it. It just isn't my normal style and it wouldn't fit in with the pervious chapters. I'm also writing the fourth (and final) chapter in my story and I'll be publishing them both when they're finish. This time, no foul ups. ;)

Thanks for all who read it.

James Carmack
June 6th, 2007, 09:12 PM
I apologize for not getting around to reading it earlier, but I'll wait until the rewrite's up and do a critique then. Sound fair?