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TRPatrick
May 31st, 2007, 02:40 PM
All,

I have just posted my first short story. I worte the story about a year ago after I completed my first novel. Anyways, I am now in the process of trying to get my writing published and I figured the best place to start was an open submission site such as this in order to get feedback from fellow writers as well as a general reading audience.

I was wondering if I could inquire for your assistance. I would really appreciate if people would read, rate and comment on the story which is posted. The title of the story is, "Peril of Providence," and it is the first short story in a short story set which is named, "Seeds of Fate." Again, I would appreciate any comment and feedback offered, whether positive or negative.

Thanks again!
T.R. Patrick

It is HERE (http://sffworld.com/community/story/2458p0.html) Jacquin

TRPatrick
June 2nd, 2007, 05:14 AM
Hey, I was really hoping that someone could go and critique my short story Peril of Providence. The link is in my post above. Normally I don't like to *bump* but I have a feeling that this request is about to be neglected.

I really would appreciate the help. Thanks!

T.R. Patrick

James Carmack
June 2nd, 2007, 08:17 AM
Relax, TR, I got you covered. I was busy getting all the preparations ready. Had to integrate this critique with my Saturday update. Took a little extra time, you see. I don't like to see people put their babies on the chopping block and no one give 'em a good whack or two. I've got my ax. I recommend you avert your eyes. This may get ugly. ^_^

Okay, you've got a good story here. Good premise, decent potential. However, it's not without its problems.

You've got a two-by-four in your hand. It's labeled "Tally is a pretty, pretty girl" and you beat us over the head with it any chance you get. We don't need all that reinforcement. Tell us once. That's enough. Do it too much and it's like frickin' Soultaker (the movie, not the anime), where the writer/female lead has the male lead go on and on about how beautiful she is. Yeah, right.

You've got another two-by-four you like to thump us with. This ones called "Like most little girls". Almost everything Tally does, think or says is accompanied by something to that effect. On the other side of the board is scrawled "Like any mother/father/parent" for Rylli and Krista. You backhand us with that side less often, largely 'cause of the folks smaller role in this excerpt. Once or twice is fine, but when dang near every action has that sort of qualifier, it gets really, really annoying. If everyone's acting in perfect alignment with preset patterns, there's not much point in us reading the story, now is there?

You've got some trouble with dialog tags, so I'm going to direct you to my handy-dandy guide (http://www.palidormedia.com/james/editor/lesson1.html).

Your direct address is off, too, so I'm going to direct you to yet another handy-dandy guide (http://www.palidormedia.com/james/editor/lesson2.html) freshly minted for the occasion.

I will credit you, though, for Tally's "Mr. Sir". That's really friggin' cute. ^_^

Now for everybody's favorite: the quibbles...

Page 1
Tanny or Tally?: In the summary, you talk about a "Tanantha", who never makes an appearance. Is the true lead a character that appears later or did you simply forget that your heroine's name is Talandra?

Alluvian Gothic: So there's "even" a swing, is there? Does this somehow complete this mental image we're expected to have?

Tilth for You, Toil for Me: You can till land but you can't toil it.

Page 2
Crack, Crackle, Crack: A cracking bone goes "crack", does it? Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Seriously, though, try to show a little variety in your onomatopoeia.

Page 3
Steamed Corpses: Exactly how does a body "steam from the ground"?

O Holy Eye: Critter's got "hallow eyes", does it? "Hallow" and "hollow" aren't the same thing, you know.

"had suffered": What punishment has Tally suffered? Do you mean the experience itself was the punishment or did she get a good whipping off-screen?

Suddenly Krista: You bring in Krista's name without qualifying it. Yes, I was able to figure it out easily enough, but that's not really fair to the reader to make them guess who you're talking about.

Surprisingly, I don't have any outstanding quibbles for the remaining half of the story. That's it.

So, to reiterate, you've got a good story, but some annoying habits of yours don't help it any. Nothing that can't be fixed. Both you and your piece have potential and are worth following. Yorokobina.

TRPatrick
June 2nd, 2007, 09:58 AM
YES! Thank you, allthough it wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be when you told me to avert my eyes. Really, it was the nitty gritty you hit me with. I'll take it!

I'll edit out some of my two-by-fours. Thanks for pointing that out.

Yes! There is a swing and I like it! I'll re-read the part and double check what I've written. Did I really use the word, "even?" Whoops.

The Crack wasn't snapping bone. Whoops, I need to make it a little clearer as to what happened. I wrote this about a year ago, and I think I was trying to explain only what the girl could hear or understand. But suddenly at the half way point I expanded it to a more serious setting. Maybe I should do that from beginning to end.

Steam does rise off a Rikni body. My fault for not explaining that. Reason being, their blood is heavily acidic. Only their veins can contain the acid safely. But then again . . . acid doesn't steam either . . . maybe I can say sizzled? ARGH! Thanks.

Thanks again for the comments and the critique. I'll make some changes on my laptop. Might be a while before the fixes are in place on-line. I'll probably keep it posted for another day or two and take it down until I can transfer the fixes. Unfrotunatly, living on a Navy Ship makes it hard to do almost anything online.

Thanks again!

T.R. Patrick

James Carmack
June 2nd, 2007, 10:51 AM
Navy, eh? Well, your land-based brothers in green have the advantage in the online arena. My battle buddy never let deployment get in the way of his WoW sessions. ^o^ (Helps being Signal, too. Like having the keys to the car. ^_^ )

Anyway, you say the Rikni's body "steamed up from the ground", not that steam rose off the body. The way you wrote it makes it sound like the critter percolated through the dirt, rising in gaseous form to the surface and them somehow solidifying into the charming corpse we know and love.

ZellieBerraine
June 2nd, 2007, 10:04 PM
Hmmm...it's not loading for me. You said you were going to make changes and repost? So I'm going to guess that's what you're doing now. Once you have it up again, let us know?

Power to the J
June 3rd, 2007, 06:56 PM
Not working for me either.....

James Carmack
June 3rd, 2007, 08:38 PM
Must've taken it down. I'm sure he'll have the updated version up when he gets a chance.