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Moraven
June 3rd, 2007, 11:26 PM
The first part of Chapter One of a novel I'm writing. It's about pirates in space. I've written a couple of novels already, but nnothing published. Just looking for some feedback as i go, just general stuff. Basically i want to know if it keeps your interest. I can post more parts if people want to keep reading.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2465p0.html

James Carmack
June 4th, 2007, 12:37 AM
Not bad, not bad. Nice cozy little crew of miscreants you got for us. If this is just meant to be an excerpt, that's fine. If it's meant to be the whole chapter, I'd say the chapter stop is a little premature. There are some part that could use some cleaning up, but by and large, you've got a decent little piece here.

Now for some quibbles...

Page 1
Crossed Element: Is "blue fire" simply a figurative term for the "electrical storm" or are we talking about two different things?

Halogen For Me: "incandescent flame"... What? Were they out of the fluorescent flame? Fire is incandescent by its very nature. It's like saying "wet water".

My Patella!: Tarin drops a meter and a half on his knees? God, why? What happened to his feet? (Sorry. Got weak joints, you see. Sounds ridiculously painful.)

Get Behind Me: Does Cira's haircut resemble that of Cousin It? If not, I can't see her scowling behind chin-length black hair.

And that's it for now. Man, it's so nice when these things are short. ^_^

Moraven
June 4th, 2007, 01:44 AM
If this is just meant to be an excerpt, that's fine. If it's meant to be the whole chapter, I'd say the chapter stop is a little premature.
There's more, just didn't want to post it all as that generally leads to people not reading it. Maybe I'll start posting entire chapters just to keep the flow normal.

Crossed Element: Is "blue fire" simply a figurative term for the "electrical storm" or are we talking about two different things?
Just description of what the storm looks like. It's all the same deal.

Fire is incandescent by its very nature. It's like saying "wet water".
Looking into this one. Thanks for the catch. Maybe an "incandescent ball" would be better.

Tarin drops a meter and a half on his knees?
No. He absorbs the impact with his knees. When you jump four feet, you bend your knees a bit on landing. I switched some wording around to make it clearer.

Does Cira's haircut resemble that of Cousin It? If not, I can't see her scowling behind chin-length black hair.

Who? I have no idea.

Prunephoenix
June 4th, 2007, 09:47 AM
Does Cira's haircut resemble that of Cousin It? If not, I can't see her scowling behind chin-length black hair.

Who? I have no idea.

I think his point is that if she has chin-length hair AND is scowling from behind it, you wouldn't see the scowl.

I present to you, cousin Itt

http://www.fortunecity.com/bennyhills/pun/190/cousinitto3.jpg

Moraven
June 6th, 2007, 12:08 AM
And here's part two.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2470p0.html


Also that Cousin It image seems to be blocked by whatever website hosts it. But i get the clarification, i think. Thanks. :)

Moraven
June 6th, 2007, 12:13 AM
Also, i'm going to make this a new thread