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Moraven
June 6th, 2007, 12:14 AM
Here it is:

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2470p0.html

James Carmack
June 6th, 2007, 02:22 AM
Okay, so we've got through the skirmish with the pirates. Got some good character development in, too. I'm sure we'll be seeing Hall and his scallywags again. Not a bad bit of work. I'm getting a bit of a Serenity vibe here. (Whedon fans forgive me. I haven't seen any eps of Firefly.) Not a bad thing. Plucky little crews on charming hunks of junk make for fun stories. ^_^

Now for the quibbles...

Page 1
"The laugh that came back over the comm was Cira's, but the voice was Dune's." You use your voice for laughing, you know. Try something like "Over Cira's laughter, Dune said,"

"Jyskistan whore" should be pluralized. More than one, right?

"It was a disadvantage in that the outside door was obvious--in a half-circle design, the ramp could have been on the inside arch and therefore unreachable, for instance--but it was also an advantage." This is quite the tangle. I can't quite make heads or tails of it and I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure it out. Not too many other readers will either, so I suggest you straighten it out and clean it up.

What's stopping any pirates from just latching on, cutting a hole in the hull and boarding wherever they want? I mean, if they're gonna cut through the daggone door, it's all the same, right? Well, I suppose breaching the hull just anywhere could be problematic, and it's not like they're expecting any real resistance.

"to ward off our attackers" Does this phrase sound appropriate in a sci-fi setting? Who would say this in the course of normal conversation, much less the crunch time of impending enemy contact?

"[...]he'd blow himself into enough pieces that if Cira, with her icy dedication to whatever task was at hand, would be able to put them back together again." I'm sure that "if Cira" is supposed to be "not even Cira".

Page 2
You can just say "the Academy". The "in Saleen, on the planet Marik" is entirely unnecessary here.

Page 3
Why would a laser turret have a muzzle flash? There's no gunpowder to burn.

In current usage, "groundside" is the part of an airport not used for the departure and arrival of aircraft. Since you're talking about touchdown on Brantial IV's surface, I recommend "planetside" instead.

Can the Pride not shoot and run? Does power to the gun deck take away from the propulsion system? I mean, if not, what's the guarantee that the pirates won't shoot at them anyway?

And that's it for now.

ZellieBerraine
June 9th, 2007, 02:36 PM
Roaches!! Nice.

with no where to hide it away in the design - Bulky and kinda confusing.

that point, or not at all. - if they don't connect, they don't connect... you don't need 'not at all'

I'm a little confused about the boarding ramp--I wouldn't be thinking that the ship would have multiple boarding ramps so the 'one boarding ramp so if pirates docked, they'd have to dock THERE' just seems like... 'yeah, and the other ships aren't like this? what then, are they doing with so many places to dock??'

I do not think I can get this online in time to ward off our attackers." - Get what online?

He been told that - He'd been

Nice job with the dialogue, very natural (:

James Carmack
June 10th, 2007, 12:31 AM
He been told that - He'd been

Zellie, I'm shocked. Positively shocked. I hope this isn't a deliberate attack on Moraven's use of AAVE. If so, you should be ashamed.

(Yes, I'm just kidding. :P )

Power to the J
June 11th, 2007, 03:02 PM
J.C. and Zelle seemed to cover most of this, so I'll be brief:

At first I feel a bit lost as far as setting. Maybe you could move the first descriptive passage to the beginning after you mess around with it a little.

Is the dialogue supposed to be so old-fashioned?

Alot of your paragraphs are obese; try trimming them a bit.

All in all, you've got a good thing going so keep it up. Nice job.

James Carmack
June 11th, 2007, 08:08 PM
First Zellie's attack on AAVE, now your assault on plus-size paragraphs. This rank bigotry cannot stand!

...

...

:P Yes, I'm being goofy. I do that now and then. ^_^

Moraven
June 12th, 2007, 06:01 AM
"to ward off our attackers" Does this phrase sound appropriate in a sci-fi setting? Who would say this in the course of normal conversation, much less the crunch time of impending enemy contact?

--Hikal has a few, minor, non-standard speech characteristics. So he would say it. You're right, though--most people would not. No one else on the Pride would.

Does power to the gun deck take away from the propulsion system?

--It does. Basically, the ship has only so much power in total, and has to divide it up as Tarin sees fit. If they use some on guns, or lights, or anything, it takes away from other uses in the ship.

--As for everything else, well done. I made a whole round of changes.

Moraven
June 12th, 2007, 06:04 AM
Roaches!! Nice.
He been told that - He'd been

Nice job with the dialogue, very natural (:

Oops, yeah you're right. Changed it. Glad you liked the dialogue. And what's this about roaches? haha. or is that just a trendy new expression that i missed out on?

Moraven
June 12th, 2007, 06:07 AM
Is the dialogue supposed to be so old-fashioned?

All in all, you've got a good thing going so keep it up. Nice job.

Like I mentioned a minute ago, one character is supposed to talk a bit differently. More old fashioned.

Glad you've enjoyed it. :)