You might want to edit the original post and take out that link.
As for your story, I'll do my critique tomorrow (later in the day for you West Hemisphere folks).
June 8th, 2007, 10:52 AM
So, now all is well and I would love someone to take a look at it. So...ah...bump?
June 8th, 2007, 08:31 PM
Yes, I'll take care of it today. I've had other stuff to keep me occupied the last couple days. Fear not. You'll get your critique.
June 9th, 2007, 04:07 AM
Well, you've got a pretty good piece here. The rise and fall of a legend. The progression from an awkward street rat to a veritable lord of terror to an obscure old hermit. Otanoshimi. ^_^
Believe it or not, I don't have any quibbles for you. Not a dang one. If this isn't a first, it's certainly a rarity.
Occasionally the narrative gets a touch too flowery, but since it's an old man writing his memoirs, it fits with the narrative voice.
One tiny detail is to make sure that "mum" is capitalized when it's not preceded by "my".
And that's all I got. A critique without much criticism winds up a little too much like a fan letter. ^_^;
June 9th, 2007, 02:28 PM
One hand clenched at her stomach, a reminder of how much caring for me cost her. - Not sure what you mean by this?
close-cropped platinum thicket of my hair. - Excessive for someone describing himself!
He said that truly Hs work - His?
I would've liked to see more variation in the religion. Besides "Great Artist," that looks like the same ol' story of Christianity and same ol' conflicts about it (how can a perfect creator create a world with pain) that I've read a million times over so my eyes started glazing.
of barley hanging - barely (although hanging barley is a neat image ;) )
Not even in that self-embracing story I've written for twenty two years in my mind - eh?
There was a time, indeed, when the mere sight of me would have sent him running home to his mother with **** in his deerskin breeches. - Good image
"But first things first. To understand what has become of me and why my every breath is filled with regret and dogged fatigue," - You do such a great job of showing these emotions to the reader that this break to saying 'and this is what I am and this is why' is kind of abrupt to me and makes the speaker come off as very self-absorbed to name himself all those things...compared to the rest of the time where he just seems like an old man lost in thought.
to be a clergyman or worship a deity - I'd just leave it as "worship a deity" since you already mention the clergymen and it's implied that they are also worshippers
Piled like potatoes!
Violence by its nature is a reflection of hidden passions and overt emotions. - ? Violence is what? Feelings that are and aren't visible? I'm not sure what you're trying to get across by that sentence
more than three times that of the standard carnal transaction in Gramat. - I like the phrasing here
I agree with James that some things turn out rather flowery and for me that makes it drag and plod--though for a story told by an old man it does make sense for it to do that.
Very smooth, very professional, very polished (:
June 9th, 2007, 11:34 PM
Boy, Zellie, I must be losing my touch. Missed every last one of those. ^_^; (Now I'm wondering what time it was when I read it...)