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Holbrook
June 10th, 2007, 03:20 AM
Well Dizz, you and your ideas, lol. You said to not sleep.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2480p0.html

I suppose it was spawned by the AI thread, sort of....

James Carmack
June 10th, 2007, 07:05 AM
Well, this is an interesting little piece you got here. I like it. I feel you stuck yourself in an unhappy spot, though. Our narrator-protagonist isn't entirely up-front about her true nature, nor is she coy enough for there to be any ambiguity. Given the fact that you wrote this on limited sleep, I suppose issues like this are going to crop up. I'm sure I'd have a lot fewer things to point out below if you went back over it after being fully rested. Not a bad showing, all things considered. ^_^

If our protagonist can use contractions in her narration, she can certainly use them in her dialog, right? There are several places where it would sound more natural if she would use a few contractions. Now, as this is a business contraction, I can see her not using contractions out of a sense of propriety. If that's the case, carry on. If not, read over her lines and look for spots where it'll flow smoother with a good contraction or two.

Time for quibbles (with more grammatical points than I usually call)...

I would argue that "off world" should be either hyphenated or made into one word, i.e. "off-world" or "offworld".

"He hadn't spoken, the others thought he was disinterested, and like they, he thought that my application was just a blip that would be dealt with before lunch." To preserve this sentence while remaining grammatically correct, break off "He hadn't spoken" as a separate sentence. Next, it's "like them". You can't use the nominative with "like".

"I would like to see them try and stop me, it is my money." Comma splice here. This needs to be two sentences.

"must haves" should be hyphenated.

"So you want buy yourself a place, I don't think that can be allowed." Another comma splice. There should be a question mark after "place".

"Applying member" Why not say "applicant"?

"What if you become ill, we won't have the high tech med teams to deal with you." Another comma splice. Should be question mark after "ill".


"[...]turn to stone in my system, this way me both get a chance of achieving what we want." Comma splice. I can narrowly let the earlier parts of the sentence slide, but you need to break off a new sentence after "system".

"[...]your kind have[...]" "Kind" is singular, ergo "has".

There's more, but picking every little nit is a job for a proper workshop.

Dawnstorm
June 10th, 2007, 08:26 AM
"[...]your kind have[...]" "Kind" is singular, ergo "has".

Collective noun. "Have" is possible (and I'd even prefer it in the context, as it suggests individuals - like "The board have been sued," suggests more than one lawsuit).

***

Personally, I found the choice of 1st person narration interesting, here. Do "their kind" have voices? Personalities that are recognisably human? Do they have the drive to tell stories (like humans do)? Is it a show staged for a particular audience?

***

Interesting take on Avalon, though. ;)

(Oh, and "But what affect..." --> "But what effect...")

Holbrook
June 10th, 2007, 02:29 PM
Mucho thanks, James, Dawn....

Dazzlinkat
June 10th, 2007, 03:30 PM
LOL, nice story, Hol! Oh, umm, sorry about the no-sleep thing :p

kater
June 10th, 2007, 05:09 PM
I like it :) Short on details, lots to use the imagination on and a curious ending.

Holbrook
June 11th, 2007, 03:32 AM
Kater; is it an ending?;) The more I think on it, the more the piece could be a prologue for an Arthur/Avalon twist story with the "voice" being Merlin lol... and the sword in the stone, maybe some sort of technology forgotten by the colony, but remembered/ or owned/ by the "voice."

kater
June 11th, 2007, 04:34 AM
It is an ending unless you're looking to write yet another monster and drive yourself more crazy :D :p It's definitely catchy and with sf there are so many possibilities for recreation of the myths.

Holbrook
June 11th, 2007, 06:04 AM
It is an ending unless you're looking to write yet another monster and drive yourself more crazy :D :p It's definitely catchy and with sf there are so many possibilities for recreation of the myths.

You have to mention the monster didn't you! ROFL! I try not to think about that at present, else I will be tempted to try and edit it again.....

That would even drive James insane!!! It is beyond hope I am sure....

Dawnstorm
June 11th, 2007, 08:53 AM
You have to mention the monster didn't you! ROFL! I try not to think about that at present, else I will be tempted to try and edit it again.....

That would even drive James insane!!! It is beyond hope I am sure....

Bad monster! Back into the closet! Shoo! :p

Seriously, it's a brilliant piece of writing. Some stuff such as the elementals, the Mor Liedr (sp?), and the general clash of cultures have left a lasting impression on me. But editing it might not be the wisest thing to put on your schedule right now, what with Oracle out there and Hand of Glory in the making. 'tis not beyond hope; 'tis just your hopes are tied up elsewhere right now, aren't they? ;)