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Woadwarrior
July 11th, 2007, 06:39 PM
Well people, after all this time, I finally got to completeing Chapter 4 and rewriting chapter 3 of my story. The last time I made chapter 3 it just wasn't my usual style and it came off pretty bad, now it's much better.

Anyways here's Chapter 3

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2532p0.html

And Chapter 4

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2533p0.html

It was quite a bit to write and I did my best at making it consistant with the pervious chapters (can't have continuity errors this early, can we? :D ). I'm really looking forward to hearing some opinions and criticism on it.

Oh, and James Carmack... I know we had a discussion on putting Ekove through basic training, but I decided to do that for another character that I'm featuring in his own line of stories after I'm done with this one. ;) Enjoy.

James Carmack
July 11th, 2007, 07:09 PM
*ahem* They call me MISTER Tibbs. ^_^ Okay, in all seriousness, James will suffice. I'll try to have at least one chapter knocked out today.

You never did say whether the kitty armed forces shave all the fur off their recruits or not. A platoon (flight) of Mr. Bigglesworths. ^o^

DustinLamb
July 11th, 2007, 07:22 PM
the part where you state time "Location: Stellen Air Base. Date & Time: 1:20 PM, Kalan 5th, 166 AIW (After [the] Imperialist Wars)." This kind of reminds me of a video game...Ace Combat series.....any relation or inspiration from the video game series, there are like 6 or 7 games in series beginning frm ace combat 1 I think......not criticizing your work, looks good, when do you plan on finishing,,,,,later

Woadwarrior
July 11th, 2007, 07:47 PM
Absolutely none as far as I know. :)

I just put it in to make it look cool. Seriously, I would add stuff like that only sparodically, and in the event it would really be needed to inform the readers of a significant change in location and time. I only did it a second time in Chapter 4 since the readers would not be able to guess where he might be off to, but from chapter's 1 to 3 the time and location change can be easily estimated by the readers.


*ahem* They call me MISTER Tibbs. ^_^ Okay, in all seriousness, James will suffice. I'll try to have at least one chapter knocked out today.

You never did say whether the kitty armed forces shave all the fur off their recruits or not. A platoon (flight) of Mr. Bigglesworths. ^o^

OK, Mr. Tibbs, if that'll bring you any pleasure. :P

Yes they do have their fur trimmed down, but not totally shaved. I do have another Kahrie character coming up in another series and there will be a sequence of him having his fur cut, as well as being shouted at by a drill sargent and slapped around and having to go through a great deal of physical effort and pain before he gets shipped out into the rear-end of the world. :D

James Carmack
July 12th, 2007, 02:38 AM
Let's start with Chapter 3. The quality of your writing has remained steady, so any praise I've given you before holds true now. Yeah, there are still some problems, but thankfully you've got far more right than wrong. It does my heart good to see that. I would argue, however, that the episode on the luxury line and Ekove's homecoming/birthday bash should be split into separate chapters. They're distinct enough to warrant it. You may worry about them being too short, but that shouldn't be an issue. If anything, shorter chapters are easier to digest.

Have I talked to you about the perspective before? It's been a long time since I critiqued Chapter 2, so I don't remember. You're definitely in third-person omniscient territory here. Maybe you're okay with that. If so, that's fine. You actually manage to make it work fairly well. Still, I think you'd be better served by the third-person limited.

Although you do mix it up a bit, I think you overuse inverted dialog tags a bit. I'm of the opinion the noun+verb form reads better and the inverse should be used sparingly. That is, of course, only my opinion.

You've got a number of comma splices here. I'm not going to pick out every single one, but be careful when you just have a comma between clauses. I'm sure you're simply following the tempo of the spoken language, but you can't get away with linking two independent clauses with just a comma.

Terminal ellipses have the same function as a period. What follows is a new sentence and should have the first letter capitalized. Don't confuse them with ellipses that only indicate a pause. (Pause: "It was... scary." Terminal: "I don't know... I just don't know anymore.")

You also get sloppy on your direct address in places. Watch it.

Terms like "man" and "boy" are inappropriate for nonhumans, wouldn't you agree? For instance, Kenmen isn't an old "man". He's an old Kahrie. Maybe "cat" would work, but then again, they might take offense to that.

On to the quibbles...

Page 1
Modern usage might paint a picture you'd rather not show to your readers. In this case, I'm thinking of the word "intimate". From a technical standpoint, you talking about guys having "intimate conversations" is unassailable, but a lot of people are going to get a Theban vibe going here. I don't know if you want that.

The names of currency usually aren't capitalized. (A "Siglo" is a bit of currency, right?)

Page 2
We know Ivan's talking to Zenal because he address the puppydog. You don't need to reinforce the point in the dialog tag.

Page 3
"Montego" should be capitalized.

Page 4
The expression "first ever time" is awkward. Just say "first time".

Why is Zenal able to conclude it's a Molsarian destroyer? Is it because of the guns and the location?

At the time at least, it would seem plausible that the destroyer didn't know it was Ekove's plane and simply had orders to fire on any intruders in their AOR, right?

People usually bite one lip, not both, but I can't speak for Kahrie.

The "general" in "Molsarian general" shouldn't be capitalized. Ekove is just talking about a general, not the General. That goes for later citations, too.

Page 5
Consider capitalizing "navy".

Zenal is a good bit older than Ekove, right? I mean, he drinks and smokes and all. I imagine the rules for Finagi aren't that different from humans.

The Feirland Air Force should enjoy caps across the board. It's the proper name for a branch of service, is it not?

You ought to capitalize "captain". After all, he is the Captain.

"Shaking the thought off." Sentence fragment. You could blend in the tag and make a hybrid. "Shaking off the thought, Ekove said[...]"

Page 6
Whose lips does Ekove like: his own or Ivan's?

Page 7
Wouldn't it be easier to say the name of the brand of gin? (Woad: "Don't make me have to come up with more names!")

"prey", not "pray" (unless your wild beasts got religion)

"he ranted on a bit" makes for a poor dialog tag. It would be passable if you broke it off and made it a separate sentence.

Why doesn't the evil bartender use the classical barroom tactic of breaking that empty bottle to make a more menacing weapon.

How does a fist "blob"? What does that even entail?

Page 8
For an adjective, I recommend "unconscious" over "knocked out".

"ridicules looking" Did you perhaps mean "ridiculous looking"?

"being able to keep" -> "keeping" There, isn't that better?

Rather than "head of security", "master-at-arms" would be the more appropriate term in a nautical setting, I'd think. (Maybe not if it's a strictly civilian craft.)

When you shout, you use an exclamation mark. Using a comma between a bit of dialog and its tag carries the same effect as a period. You see someone pull a knife, you don't go "Look out." You gotta shout. "Look out!"

I don't think you should be using the prey analogy twice in a single chapter and definitely not in such close proximity. Now, if it was the same predator-prey pair, it would be a different story.

You've accidentally got a quotation mark after "[...]and moved aside himself."

"The next few hours were of questioning and investigation". This is rather awkward. Consider something like "They spent the next few hours in questioning while security investigated the incident."

What exactly is "that damning sensation"?

You pose questions to a person.

Page 9
Gloves? Come on, we're all thinking it. Go on and say it. "Mittens." Awww. Pretty kitty's widdle mittens. ^o^

"If one wills" sounds awkward. I know you're told to avoid the 2P, but in this case I think it's okay to say "if you will".

Why not actually have us hear Kenmen calling out that kittenhood nickname and then direct our attention to Mittens himself?

Page 10
"16-year-old", not "16-year-older"

Has Ivan never been to the homeland? If he has, I don't think Mittens would need to explain about the birds. If not, carry on.

"seen and been there" -> "been there" A lot cleaner this way.

"the feeling of the attachment and nurturing from the land" -> "the feeling of attachment to the land"

The "bump road"? I'm sure you meant the "bumpy road".

Have you identified Sheme before? If not, you need to say which is which.

Page 11
Is Ekove's own sister hitting on him? Hoo boy...

Come now, let's show our appreciation for the birthday boy (cat) and put an exclamation mark in there. "Happy Birthday, Ekky!"

Who's Solitta? I thought she was Mumsy, then I kept on reading. Have you IDed her before?

Do Kahrie kiss like humans do or is it a little different? I mean, different species, after all...

Page 12
Whoa. Has Ekove actually popped the question? If not, isn't it a little early to be referring to him as Solitta's fiance?

"and it the first ever plane he flew" -> "and it was the first plane he ever flew" Dropped a verb and scrambled the syntax there a bit, ace. Happens to the best of us.

There's a random "ff" in here. Old artifact, I'm sure.

The adjective "startup" should be one word, either with or without a hyphen, not two.

And that's it for now.

Woadwarrior
July 12th, 2007, 09:37 AM
Ya know, Mr. Tibbs, your post reminds me of the grand old days I used to have with a certain friend of mine as she reviewed my stories all those years ago and tore apart every single grammarical mistake and teach me the correct way of doing it. You can tell it helped me a lot... I was just some kid from a Middle Eastern country and the English they taught me was pretty bad. Ironically, I speak English better than Arabic (ditto for reading and writing).

Though I deleted most of my old stories, I do still have one that I kept around by mistake and decided to just let it linger in some folder on my harddrive. :P Care to read it and see how far I've gone? :D

Anyways, I do have some comments and questions to make.


Let's start with Chapter 3. The quality of your writing has remained steady, so any praise I've given you before holds true now. Yeah, there are still some problems, but thankfully you've got far more right than wrong. It does my heart good to see that. I would argue, however, that the episode on the luxury line and Ekove's homecoming/birthday bash should be split into separate chapters. They're distinct enough to warrant it. You may worry about them being too short, but that shouldn't be an issue. If anything, shorter chapters are easier to digest.

It makes me glad to hear that. Yes I know that it's a bit drawn out and the whole homecoming SHOULD have been longer and more detailed. I did want to write some good paragraphs on the olive tree grooves and whatever that were on his plantation, but I just got fed up of the whole thing and decided to wrap it up. Not very professional, I know, but I made an exception in this case. The next (and final) chapter won't be as drawn out and in my next story series I'll try to limit the chapters to 4,000 words or so. But as I mentioned, I was getting tired of writing it all and just wanted this story over with.


Although you do mix it up a bit, I think you overuse inverted dialog tags a bit. I'm of the opinion the noun+verb form reads better and the inverse should be used sparingly. That is, of course, only my opinion.

You've got a number of comma splices here. I'm not going to pick out every single one, but be careful when you just have a comma between clauses. I'm sure you're simply following the tempo of the spoken language, but you can't get away with linking two independent clauses with just a comma.

Terminal ellipses have the same function as a period. What follows is a new sentence and should have the first letter capitalized. Don't confuse them with ellipses that only indicate a pause. (Pause: "It was... scary." Terminal: "I don't know... I just don't know anymore.")


OK I've learned a bit from this, and that is being that I need to pick up where my lousy English teachers left off... learning what those things are! Hard to believe as it may, I'm not sure what you mean by the noun+verb form is or what you meant by inverted dialog tags.

I guess I'd better get some reading up. Thanks for pointing it out James. ;)

Anyways, I'll get to changing some of the things you pointed out, but I do have some comments to make.



Why is Zenal able to conclude it's a Molsarian destroyer? Is it because of the guns and the location?

Ekove told him when he explained his situation and the note he had. In Chapter two I mentioned that the note was signed with 'Z-99'. The designation 'Z' in the Moslarian Navy is for a destroyer, 99 being the hull number. So it's the 99th destroyer they commisioned under that designation. I know that having only 99 destroyers would have been too little for them, but let's just say they reset the number at one point along with a new designation prefix. :P


Rather than "head of security", "master-at-arms" would be the more appropriate term in a nautical setting, I'd think. (Maybe not if it's a strictly civilian craft.)

Thanks, I didn't know that. Though it IS a purely civilian ship, at least for the time being (who knows? It could be pressed into service as a troop ship sometime in the future).


Why doesn't the evil bartender use the classical barroom tactic of breaking that empty bottle to make a more menacing weapon.

How does a fist "blob"? What does that even entail?


First one... the bottle would have taken quite a bit to break (real liquor bottles aren't made of safety glass...). Secondly even as it is, it would have made for a decent weapon.

Second part... 'blobing' a fist is just another word for clenching it or other wise getting ready to punch someone. I got that word from a certain movie I watched a long time ago that described it that way.



What exactly is "that damning sensation"?

A damning sensation is when you have a really, really bad feeling over something. Call it another way of saying a strong gut feeling.


Gloves? Come on, we're all thinking it. Go on and say it. "Mittens." Awww. Pretty kitty's widdle mittens. ^o^

So fooling around, James. :D :p


Whose lips does Ekove like: his own or Ivan's?

He was licking his own lips... I missed out on the 'c' by mistake. Darn it! I hate it when I make mistakes like that. >.>


Why not actually have us hear Kenmen calling out that kittenhood nickname and then direct our attention to Mittens himself?

OK, my answer to this is only half-serious, but when your dad gives you a nickname that he's been using all your life and describes some things about you in a joking way, you tend to feel considerate for others and not want to enquire or mention what their own fathers called them. Let's just leave it at that, shall we? ;)


Is Ekove's own sister hitting on him? Hoo boy...


What you got a problem with that? :D BTW, if you do want to hear some facts about Sheme (his sister) and some other things over there, just PM me, believe me, you'll understand why I left out some of the details.


Who's Solitta? I thought she was Mumsy, then I kept on reading. Have you IDed her before?

She's Ekove's lovergirl/Fiance. I mentioned her in the first chapter when she sent him a catnip laced letter that sent him wild. Thankfully, he's very good at controling himself and didn't let a certain military officer know of this. :p

Speaking of which, I think I'll name Ekove's mother in the mext chapter. She's the only close relative of his that I didn't name yet.


Do Kahrie kiss like humans do or is it a little different? I mean, different species, after all...

Again, PM me and I'll explain this part to you. But for here, I will say that they do kiss a bit like humans (on the mouth to mouth part at least) though it looks different and there are lots of variations to accomdate their different face shapes and teeth and whatever.

And that'll be all. Thank you a ton James, I think I'll include a tribute to you in my next chapter. ;)

James Carmack
July 12th, 2007, 07:47 PM
You could easily be mistaken for a native speaker by your writing. Indeed, in my view, you'd be on the higher end of the spectrum. The fact that you're an ESL kiddo makes your work all the more impressive. (Ironically, among the better up-and-comers I've seen here are ESL kiddos.) You can take comfort in that.


Though I deleted most of my old stories, I do still have one that I kept around by mistake and decided to just let it linger in some folder on my harddrive. :P Care to read it and see how far I've gone? :D

Sure. Why not? If you don't want to post it to the site, just attach it to an e-mail and send it to james@palidormedia.com. The worst that can happen is my eyes bleed. ^_^


OK I've learned a bit from this, and that is being that I need to pick up where my lousy English teachers left off... learning what those things are! Hard to believe as it may, I'm not sure what you mean by the noun+verb form is or what you meant by inverted dialog tags.

You can always ask me for clarification. I do occasionally make up my own names for stuff, so explanation is often warranted.

You know what dialog tags are, right? Those he said/she said deals that follow dialog. By the noun+verb form, I mean a dialog tag that has the noun (or pronoun) first, followed by the verb. ("There'll be days like this," Momma said.) The inverted tags are just that, the opposite order. ("You shall not pass," said the guard.) There's nothing wrong with inverted tags, but they're not used so much anymore. In my opinion, NV (noun+verb) tags read cleaner and should comprise the vast majority of dialog tags. You have to realize that dialog tags generally should be invisible, IDing the speaker in the reader's subconscious, maybe inserting a pause in the dialog. However, it boils down to a stylistic choice. If you prefer leaning more heavily on inverted tags, that's your choice.


Ekove told him when he explained his situation and the note he had. In Chapter two I mentioned that the note was signed with 'Z-99'. The designation 'Z' in the Moslarian Navy is for a destroyer, 99 being the hull number. So it's the 99th destroyer they commisioned under that designation.

It might help to actually have this information in the dialog. I can't remember. Did you reveal what Z-99 meant at the end of Chapter 2? If not, you can't just expect the reader to draw that conclusion.


I know that having only 99 destroyers would have been too little for them, but let's just say they reset the number at one point along with a new designation prefix. :P

Are they forbidden from having three digits in the number? I mean, nobody said the shipyards stopped at 99, did they? I mean, the Stennis is CVN-74, but does anyone think they're are 74 aircraft carriers in the US Navy?


Thanks, I didn't know that. Though it IS a purely civilian ship, at least for the time being (who knows? It could be pressed into service as a troop ship sometime in the future).

From my cursory research, "master-at-arms" is only appropriate for military seacraft. I didn't know if the liner was under military or paramilitary administration. Depending on the politics, it is a possibility, after all.


First one... the bottle would have taken quite a bit to break (real liquor bottles aren't made of safety glass...). Secondly even as it is, it would have made for a decent weapon.

I clearly haven't gotten into enough barroom brawls. Must have something to do with me not drinking. ^_^;


Second part... 'blobing' a fist is just another word for clenching it or other wise getting ready to punch someone. I got that word from a certain movie I watched a long time ago that described it that way.

I had a feeling that's what you meant, but I'd never heard the term used that way before. It sounds a little funny, but if you like it, by all means...


A damning sensation is when you have a really, really bad feeling over something. Call it another way of saying a strong gut feeling.

Another term I've never seen used before. (As a side note, that's usually the underlying meaning when I go "What's a [fill in the blank]?")


So fooling around, James. :D :p

Fools fool and the most fooling fools fool foolishly. I am one such fool. ^_^


OK, my answer to this is only half-serious, but when your dad gives you a nickname that he's been using all your life and describes some things about you in a joking way, you tend to feel considerate for others and not want to enquire or mention what their own fathers called them. Let's just leave it at that, shall we? ;)

You're awfully considerate to your protagonist. Although I think it would play out a little smoother if you used the cry of the nickname to train the camera on Mittens, I suppose there's merit and a little charm in your approach. You might want to frame it a bit like so: "Ekove heard a familiar voice cry out a name, a nickname that had plagued him since kittenhood. Out of respect for Ekove, it shall not be repeated here." And then you pan over to Mittens. This way you get the benefit of both approaches. As in all things, though, it's up to you.


What you got a problem with that? :D BTW, if you do want to hear some facts about Sheme (his sister) and some other things over there, just PM me, believe me, you'll understand why I left out some of the details.

Just a little, yes. I'm reminded of a thread for The Devil's Advocate on IMDb. A disturbing number of posters didn't see anything wrong inter-sibling iincest as long as there were no children produced. In fact, they though it was good practice. >_< *heebie-jeebies*


And that'll be all. Thank you a ton James, I think I'll include a tribute to you in my next chapter. ;)

Oh boy. Some crippled, mange-ridden old Kahrie curmudgeon who harps on Ekove's comma splices. I can't wait. ^_^;

Woadwarrior
July 12th, 2007, 11:03 PM
You could easily be mistaken for a native speaker by your writing. Indeed, in my view, you'd be on the higher end of the spectrum. The fact that you're an ESL kiddo makes your work all the more impressive. (Ironically, among the better up-and-comers I've seen here are ESL kiddos.) You can take comfort in that.

It's all because of people like you that I've gotten this far. ;)

BTW, what's an ESL kiddo?




It might help to actually have this information in the dialog. I can't remember. Did you reveal what Z-99 meant at the end of Chapter 2? If not, you can't just expect the reader to draw that conclusion.

It's at the very end of Chapter 2 and is all explained, I'll even quote that part for you.


“We missed, but we’ve gotten better. Rest easy, our time will come… Z-99.”

Ekove was stunned; he froze in place for a second as the words just disappeared. He looked around to see if anyone was there, finding no one, he folded the paper and slipped it into a pocket. The only fact he knew about the message was the designation ‘Z’ was a ship prefix for a destroyer in the Molsarian navy. He remembered the incident in which he was fired upon by anti-aircraft guns from a destroyer before, now he knew exactly which one, though since the ink disappeared, he could not prove it. He had only a few more days before he reached his destination, his only wish was to make it back home alive, if there was anyone out to harm him on the ship.


There, all mentioned. ;)




Are they forbidden from having three digits in the number? I mean, nobody said the shipyards stopped at 99, did they? I mean, the Stennis is CVN-74, but does anyone think they're are 74 aircraft carriers in the US Navy?

I fully well know that. BTW, when I say 'reset' I don't mean it's standard to reset every time they reach 100. Let's just say that it's like the USAF 'reset' their designation for fighters and bombers in 1962 with the unified system with the USN. I could make up a reason for the Molsarians, but I don't think it's necessary, or I could just slip it in later as a part of a side plot or something.




I clearly haven't gotten into enough barroom brawls. Must have something to do with me not drinking. ^_^;

Well the joking aside, let me tell you something about RL bottles. Firstly, breaking a liquor bottle might not be very easy as I can see... the glass is pretty thick in most bottles I know and it could be very sturdy. I remember once me and cousins tried to break a glass coke bottle all those years ago and we just couldn't! We threw it high, hit it across a wall and did whatever we could, and when we finally did break it, it didn't exactly take shape into that menacing weapon you see on TV.

Also I think that a full liquor bottle would make for a decent weapon by itself (they're heavy).


Just a little, yes. I'm reminded of a thread for The Devil's Advocate on IMDb. A disturbing number of posters didn't see anything wrong inter-sibling iincest as long as there were no children produced. In fact, they though it was good practice. >_< *heebie-jeebies*

No, it's not incest at all. But I'll tell you about it in a jiffy... :p


Oh boy. Some crippled, mange-ridden old Kahrie curmudgeon who harps on Ekove's comma splices. I can't wait. ^_^;

Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of a destroyer of the Fierland Navy named 'James Carmack' (named after a great war hero...) that took part in many a decisive battle and once played a prominant role in sinking a large enemy battleship with 27 well placed 152mm shells and three torpedoes. :p :D ;)

James Carmack
July 13th, 2007, 12:07 AM
ESL is English as a Second Language. (As opposed to EFL: English as a Foreign Language.) I suppose I could've said "student", "learner", "practicioner" or a dozen other terms, but I have a habit of calling folks "kiddos". Nice general purpose term. ^_^



Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of a destroyer of the Fierland Navy named 'James Carmack' (named after a great war hero...) that took part in many a decisive battle and once played a prominant role in sinking a large enemy battleship with 27 well placed 152mm shells and three torpedoes. :p :D ;)

Well then, it seems the James Carmack will fare much better than the Walter Scott. Of course, Twain didn't particularly like Sir Walter... I'm sure that was a factor.

Oh, and I'll be rolling out the critique of Chapter 4 later today. Keep an eye peeled. Two if you can spare 'em. ^_^

James Carmack
July 13th, 2007, 10:35 AM
Chapter 4 time... We get a taste of carrier life. That's always good. Interesting choice to go with the prophetic dream thing.

On a technical level, this chapter read rougher than the previous one. Another trip through the ringer will do it good. Of course, this is your first draft while the previous chapter was a rewrite. The extra work definitely pays off. You've got that going for you.

It's gotten rather late and I feel like I haven't been quite as thorough as usual (even though I officially give nothing but a shallow treatment here in the threads). I did say I'd get the response to you today, though, so this is what you get.

On to the quibbles...

Page 1
"Calm, yet The Sindaric Ocean was a large one." Is the size of an ocean usually inversely proportional to it's calmness? If that's the case, the Pacific better be no bigger than a fishin' pond. (Otherwise Magellan was a bloody liar.) Also, that "the" shouldn't be capitalized. Only capitalize articles in the titles of books and such.

I realize you're trying to set up some atmosphere here, but the whole "world away from home" bit feels rather superfluous.

You don't need to say "concentrated fruit juice". "Fruit juice" alone will suffice.

You brood over broad, sweeping issues. You brood about something in particular.

"[...]and all along their borders are various strategic locations." What does this mean, what does this have to do with fortifying overseas military bases, and what is the present tense doing here in the narrative?

The "navy" in the "Ledornese Navy" should be capitalized. Specific branch of service of a country's armed forces.

Technically, the comparative form of "grim" is "grimmer", but "as the world situation grew grimmer" sounds silly.

If you want to represent italics in plain text (such as when you speak of a ship), you can represent this by having a single hyphen on either side of the word or phrase (i.e. the LRS Acob is rendered "LRS -Acob-").

Clothes have hangers, aircraft have hangars.

I would think that directing a ship would include its movements.

The reports are from the destroyers, not of them, yes?

Shinon isn't just a captain, he's the Captain. Give the Cap some caps.

So the commo officer gets a report that there's nothing to report? There is no spoon.

Page 2
Just a year at the academy? You realize that most military academies are essentially four-year colleges, right? Also, if Ekove went to the academy, he didn't enlist.

Page 3
"Shrugging innocently, Ekove simply said." This is a hybrid tag. It ought to end in a comma and connect to the line of dialog.

"They were quit for a moment" "Quiet", perhaps?

"a relatively spacious space" A spacious space? Anything like a lemony lemon?

Page 4
So, is the CAG sitting among other things or is he asking our two flight jocks about other things in addition to destinations and goings-on? If it's the latter adjust your syntax accordingly.

Wait. He began to question them and then he orders them to report? Did we get ahead of ourselves?

A battleship, two cruisers and some escorts is considered a large fleet? Isn't that a drop in the bucket compared to the hardware the Molsarians can roll out?

How many pilots are berthed in these three-by-threes? More than two? If not, "shared by everyone" sounds silly if ownership of the desk is only split two ways.

There are other "Ranwof the Dog" squadrons? Or is that just the name of the 18th? Whatever the case, some rephrasing and proper capitalization is in order. Remember that every word in a unit's name is capitalized. It's not "1st cavalry division" but "1st Cavalry Division".

Page 5
I don't recall you introducing Hanni. You have to do that sort of thing when you bring in a new chara.

"Flipping a page through his magazine, the Monthly Express, and read out some headlines of news articles that he found interesting, noting some celebrity scandals and a particularly fascinating breakthrough in medicine." There is no subject to this sentence. As long as it is, it's a fragment.

So your world not only has the same binomial nomenclature for its bacteria (from which you get its derivatives) but also a medical breakthrough that neatly aligns with the same event here on Earth in the respective time period? CLAMP is known for saying "Kono yo ni guuzen wa nai." I guess it's not just this world. ^_^

"taking the heat off their skins" Now that's a curious expression.

Page 6
I'm guessing the unit's name should be rendered "7th Fleet Air Group".

You slash a man's neck to stun him? Kahrie methods are about as subtle as a ton of bricks. I like it.

Page 7
Rather than the general term "air arms", I recommend using the proper name for Molsarian aviation, be it the Molsarian Air Corps, Air Force or whatever.

How does fur exude maturity?

And this is it for now.