Critique: The Megalith, need your honest rip up do over comments

[ix_silver]

Dear writers, you are so much ahead of me. I hope you don't mind me posting here a few segments of my writing, if you can call it so. I would really like your comments as honest and straight forward as good writer usually is. We are thinking about making The Megalith in to a movie and it is got to be worth doing. Most sincerely, Silver.

“THE MEGALITH”
“The Gate of Aasa, Päike, and The Journey of The Prince
The Slayer of Dragons”

...
in to the sky like megalithic pillars. It seemes as if a small cloud filly had just skipped behind the left tower.

KING TÕIVULEMB
(continuing, amazed, to a trader)
Did you see it, behind the Tall Inn?

He looks up. A heard of thirty-three white cloud-mustangs is galloping the expanse. The filly hops out from behind the tower tries to keep up with the herd. The herd soon settles to eat cloud grass. A plethora of cloud animals appears: fish, bigger fish, a fox playing with a mouse, A whale, dolphins and some creatures we would have no name for. They are engaged in a sweeping game of life.

Suddenly the clouds are a big mouth of sharp teeth, a dragon, that swallows up ....
...
(took it off the forum, because of possible piracy, ask me, if you care to read it)

[ix_silver]

the silence says it all, thanks

[James Carmack]

If you can be patient, I'll get around to critiquing this piece in the very near future. I'm on vacation right now and I don't have time to do any critiques. Once I'm back at the grind, I'll have the leisure to catch up on my backlog.

As I haven't read the piece yet, I can't say the silence means anything at all. If no one else will tackle this excerpt, I will, but only if you're willing to wait a few more days.

[ix_silver]

“THE MEGALITH” - “The Gate of Aasa, Quenby, and The Journey of The Prince
The Slayer of Dragons”

Paragraph: Quenby finds and saves Prince Mac Cuillaume, her true love. Cuillaume assisted by dwarves, the wind, and the birds saves her from the enchanted forest, the underworld, and from the fiery dragon of chaos in fierce battles, and can with her open a new dimension of eternal youth at the gate of Aasa, the henge of the ancient temple.

Synopsis:
An ancient Tall City stronghold at the Land of Aisti, sand dunes, bog pools, megalithic stone patterns, and thatch roofed farms are reflected from a round stone that is hanging on a dirty chest. It is CUILLAUME, a ten year old boy. He plays with a winged lizard-like frog, who coils around a small mound. ...


(took it off the forum, because of possible piracy)