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Dire
July 24th, 2007, 08:37 PM
Deleted due to a redo. Had some useful critique so I'm going to restart from a different angle.

Calissandrya
July 24th, 2007, 09:05 PM
I liked the beginning, and would be interested to see more. I can't really see much of the plot yet of course.

At the beginning you refer to Bralen as a sibling and I think it might help to identify him a little better... seems like he's going to be a major character?

"...he noticed a change in him like never before" - Something about this wording doesn't quite work, although I can't put my finger on it...

That's really all I came up with, but I'm not a writer. Good luck!

Arinth
July 25th, 2007, 12:39 AM
There is no reason not to carry on with the story and expand on it.

So far all we know is that two brothers went into the mountains and the younger one learned how to survive.

At this point there has been little chance for character development, plot, setting, etc. You may have the best plot in the world or the worst one, but there is not enough info from the section above to determine that yet.

As far as writing style and editing. It could use a little polish, but that is always going to be the case with the first draft. There are other people who can give you more gramatical advice. If you have a story in your head though, write it.

Takoren
July 25th, 2007, 04:04 PM
The eye of Decius was low in the sky as Halren and his sibling travelled home. He had waited a long time for the opportunity to take his brother into the mountains, Why "sibling"? I know you don't want to repeat the word "brother" twice so close together, but why not "...as Halren and his brother travelled home. He had waited a long time for the opportunity to take Bralen into the mountains..."


Halren looked to his brother, he noticed a change in him like never before. It's a little ungainly. Perhaps "he noticed a great change in him" or "he noticed that his brother seemed profoundly changed."


“You have done well these past weeks Brother, our Father would be proud.” He said, placing a hand on Bralen’s shoulder.Sorry, the Engish major is coming out in me.

This should read:

"You have done well these past weeks, brother," he said, placing a hand on Bralen’s shoulder. "Our father would be proud."

It seems a solid beginning. This isn't really enough for me to judge the quality of the story, but it definitely seems that it could go somewhere interesting and you are a good writer. I would definitely say keep going.