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Dire
July 25th, 2007, 09:49 AM
Deleted due to a redo. Had some useful critique so I'm going to restart from a different angle.

Shane
July 25th, 2007, 11:43 AM
I'm new to critiquing (at least when it comes to stories online), so it's okay.

First, right off the bat, there are a few misspellings in your story that could have been easily corrected had you run it through a spell checker, which you can find pretty much in every decent writing program in existence these days. It's not like regular internet posting where it's okay if you have typos or obvious spelling mistakes, you need to show that you've taken the time with your story writing to at least bust out the really obvious mistakes.

As far as dialogue goes, your characters don't really convince me that they're real people. They don't talk like real people talk. They talk like they're in a bad medieval soap opera, where every word needs to be articulated like they're talking for the sake of the audience rather than simply having a conversation between each other.

The biggest problem with this story is that you have six pages of prologue and I, as a reader, have absolutely no idea what your book is about. All I can gather is that there's a possible alien invasion of some kind of weird kingdom with city gates and crap. You need to be able to let me know what's going on right from the getgo, from the very first page, hell, from the first sentence, let me know what I'm getting myself into. Your first sentence lets me know that your story probably takes place in another time, in another place, and it might be about Halren and his "sibling."

Look at it this way, let's say I'm an editor, and I've been doing a lot of editing, and the manuscripts are piling up and I have maybe 30 minutes to make some headway on them. Obviously I'm going to try to read as many of these as I can, and get through them as fast as possible. This means that you have the span of one sentence to hook me. If your first sentence doesn't make me want to read the next sentence, then I probably won't.

As far as the writing itself. It shows that you're new to storywriting, but don't let that discourage you; everybody has to start from somewhere. The best advice anyone can really give you is to keep writing. Reading helps too. You'll improve naturally simply by writing and reading, both your own material and other people's. It'll show you what you're doing wrong, and what you're doing right, and it'll help you refine your craft.

I'm going to be completely up front with you. As it is, based on the 6 or so pages, or more specifically the 1,500 words of yours I've read, I probably wouldn't read any more if I could. That's for a variety of reasons, but there's nothing in your writing that is so utterly bad that it can't be fixed by continuing to write, and honing your skill over time. So keep writing. And keep posting, if you think it helps.

Dire
July 25th, 2007, 05:51 PM
I've always been good at taking critisism, but jeez! Haha

Thanks dude. Appreciated.

Arinth
July 26th, 2007, 12:54 PM
I have to say that I disagree that the prologue has to tell you what the story is about and get you hooked. Sometimes the prolouge is about something happened at a completely different time, but was something of extreme importance that you only fully understand half way through the book.

What I would say if you are just starting to write, is don't write for an editor, yes check your spelling, but do not worry about hooking him with the first sentence.

First, write to just write, to get practice and get better. There are communities where you can control a character and interact with other characters (which really helps you get in the mind of a character), you can write short stories, etc. You just want to get comfortable with the act of writing.

You can always go back and edit, rewrite and polish. Everyone is different of course, but I find that if I don't see myself making any progress I get discouraged and sometimes stop writing all together. If I write a little on a consistent basis, even if it is crap, I am actually getting something done and I know I can go back and edit. Of course that is not for everyone.

Keep it up Dire