Come on guys, its been up for a day now, and still no critique, feel free .. ;)
August 2nd, 2007, 04:16 AM
Patience. For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. (You may not be eating, but it's suppertime for me at least.)
You can't expect instantaneous critiques. The meaningful ones take time and here in the middle of summer, people often have other things to do. I should take care of regulars in my backlog like Angel and J first, but I tell ya what, as a treat to neophyte ol' you, I'll knock out a critique this evening. (The fact it's only two pages makes my generosity come a little easier.)
August 2nd, 2007, 08:42 AM
Okay, buttercup, you actually have a fairly decent bit of work here. I'm not going to go into any further detail because I have a task for you.
You need to learn how dialog tags (http://www.palidormedia.com/james/editor/lesson1.html) and direct address (http://www.palidormedia.com/james/editor/lesson2.html) work. Follow these links, absorb the lessons, then go back and fix your draft. Once those issues are cleared up, I can rake you over the coals for your comma splices. ^_^
August 2nd, 2007, 10:48 AM
Ok thanks to James' useful grammatical tips. I have revised the two pages that I've posted in the stories section.
Please have a read, its only two pages of your time. And leave whatever thoughts you have in this thread.
August 2nd, 2007, 12:03 PM
What we have: A scientist informs a Navy officer of an emergent alien energy source. The start of a mission.
Question: Why does the scientist keep back the crucial information for almost all of the scene? On the surface it looks like a narratorial technique to give the reader this information at the last possible moment (for effect). Only you can know if this is in keeping with the character. (Is the scientist a tease?)
No other problem with structure.
I feel your language could use tightening.
Example1: "red-coloured" could be "red". You have the word "colour" in the previous sentence, and "coloured" adds little (if the holograph program changes the colours of recordings, or if this is a reconstruction with non-natural colours, I feel this information would be better situated in the previous sentence.)
Example2: "examined it closely with a keen curiosity": "closely" is somewhat implied in "with a keen curiosity".
Look for information that is already implied and doesn't need emphasis, and delete those words.
Also, play around with sentence structure a bit more. Sometimes, the reading experience could be enhanced if you re-order words.
Example1: "The large holographic image rotated slowly on its axis": This could be (but doesn't have to be) "Slowly the large..." By placing the adjective at the beginning of the sentence you: (a) start with movement, and (b) emphasise the action of rotation. But be aware, you're also de-emphasising "the holographic image".
Example2: "He had been summoned here to the Halls of Erudition by his friend unexpectedly, after only arriving that morning at the spaceport." I'd suggest: "After arriving only this morning at the spaceport, he had unexpectedly been summoned here, to the Halls of Erudition, by his friend." (1. The after-clause goes to the beginning; at the end the information reads more like an anticlimax. 2. The "only" should be before "this morning" (if you're wish to emphasise that he's only just arrived). 3. The "unexpectedly" is best wedged between the two auxilary verbs. That way it's closer to the word "summoned" ["had been unexpectedly summoned" is possible, too, but - without a good reason I can think of - I find it sounds better before the "been"], and also it's no longer at the end of the clause, where it sounds a bit tagged on.)
None of these changes are necessary (except, perhaps, for the "only" in Example2), but varying your sentence structure according to prominence can liven up your prose. Try playing around with it a bit, but don't worry too much.