It was ok. The piece was descriptive enough to give me the freedom to imagine the scene in my own way. You didn't over-do it.
It could flow a lot better though with some tidying and clarity. Restructure sentences to make them clearer to read. Better word choice throughout could further help the scene too.
As an example, your choice of word 'whisper' didn't seem like the right one to me. The word implies that the other people in the bar are keeping to their secretive selves by talking in hushed tones. If the bar occupants are whispering then Oro must have some supernatural ability or high-tech aid if he could choose to hear them.
Perhaps the above was your intent (We are SF/F after all). The fact that I doubt that was your intent suggests that the meaning wasn't made clearly enough, or ‘whisper’ was just the wrong word to use.
The man stood up and pulled on his jacket. "You have three minutes to come out, or those friends of mine will be coming in, for you," he said. He took the second glass of liquor and downed it, before leaving the bar.
The first sentence doesn’t really tell me which man actually stood up. It could be Oro, Rico or even the bartender. It’s pretty easy to know who it is though as you read the dialogue. It’s not strictly wrong but you're causing the reader to think unnecessarily. There are more ways to refer to people than just ‘man’ and ‘he’. You’ve established that Rico is a detective of some sort. For example, he could be referred to as ‘The detective’, or by his name. This may sound trivial, but being this precise means your story will flow better.
The story did make me wonder what is going to happen to Oro from this point. Is he going to stand and fight, making an escape? Or will he hand the weapon over and willingly go with Rico? It also raised some questions as to what exactly happened in his past and why Oro was drinking heavy liquor. This is all good and keeps readers turning those pages.
August 6th, 2007, 06:42 AM
Hey, that was useful, thanks.
A reply to the first bit about the 'whispers' - He could hear them in the back of his mind because he is hearing their thoughts. He hears them as a jumble of whispers and it takes concentration to listen to one individually.
I only touched on this as I intend to build on it later on.
But thanks, its appreciated. I'll keep writing, and you keep reading. ;)
August 6th, 2007, 10:52 AM
1. Why is liquor an unusual sensation for Oro?
2. "some would look inside with a blank expression" - Why a blank expression?
3. "He held the half-empty bottle of liquor above the glass, presuming an affirmative" - is "presuming an affirmative" necessary?
4. "before they even entered." - shouldn't that be "he" instead of "they?"
5. "Oro Tereus, it is good to see you are well" - this reads to me like they are old buddies. Is it meant to be sarcasm?
6. "The man looked young" - this reads odd to me, since nobody is looking.
7. "asked Rico, he looked to Oro" - comma should be a full stop.
8. "with a compassionate look" - A compassionate look? What is that? How about a friendly smile instead? Or "feigning compassion" or something.
9. "said Oro, he turned to Rico" - full stop, or change "he turned" to "turning."
10. "The man stood up" - we know the man's name now.
11. "Oro sighed, he had half hoped" - Again, full stop.
12. "the law enforcement here had all been manipulated by the corrupt government" - sounds odd to me - law enforcement is always manipulated by government, corrupt or not.
August 6th, 2007, 11:20 AM
I agree with Wiggin and would add:
"Your government lie to you, Rico Fariel." - should it be lies or lied? This may be normal for this character but there is not enough of the story to base this on. From what is available, and as a reader, I would guess not.
August 6th, 2007, 04:00 PM
Aside from the problems that have already been stated, I felt the writing was solid and showed a lot of promise. The descriptions and dialogue were decent. The tone came through very well. I did get the impression that the main character was a telepath. I don't know if you were trying to be subtle in letting the reader know that or not, but it wasn't as played up as it could have been. Having a telepath "creep out" normal folks just by his presence, for example, is a good way to set him apart from the masses. Overall, I'd say with a little more practice and diligence in proofreading, you'll do just fine.
August 6th, 2007, 05:35 PM
Well as I'm so new, grammatical tips are always valuable to me.
But in answer to a couple of points..
1. Because he isnt from this place and hasnt tried all of the local drinks etc. However, I added an extra sentence to clarify this.
2. When you look in a window, do you pull a face?
3. I added this to show that Oro had been sat there drinking for a while and the bar-tender pressumed he would want another drink.
4. If I had said 'He' it wouldnt have read right as I'd only just said 'he' a few words before. Plus I didnt want to give the reader any idea of the character until they met Oro.
5. I wanetd to create a kind of history with the two characters. Even though they are good guy, bad guy - It still makes sense that the cop would rather see Oro well when he catches him. There IS sense of sarcasm too, yes.
6. Agreed, I have replaced 'looked' with 'was'.
10. I wanted to create a kind of atmosphere of the 'man' simply becoming any other cop when he isnt sat with Oro. Also, I had said Rico twice just beforehand.
11. I dont agree with this one. the second part is explaining the reason for his sigh.
12. Agreed, I have changed it to 'that the law enforcement here had all been corrupted by the government' - It makes more sense.