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August 11th, 2007, 02:52 PM
Ok this is my first story on this forum, done the rounds on a few others but they are fanfic ones. I was wondering if anyone would be willing to have a read through of my first chapter (link below). My grammar, I think, is my worst area so any commets regarding that will be helpful but anything else is brilliant also.



P.S Incidently is there a word cap for stories?I couldn't get my enitre first chapter up.

August 12th, 2007, 06:26 AM
I couldn't read all the way through it because your description was way over the top for my taste. Too artsy. It reads like you're trying too hard to please.

I wish I could be more constructive, but you're not leaving much to the imagination of the reader here.

Consider removing lots of adjectives and remove pairs of them completely. This will give the reader some freedom with their imagination and make their head (and the story) flow a lot better. The reader doesn't need to know if a cat is a small, black cat. The reader has the power to imagine what a cat looks like by themselves. Good stories give the reader power.

You like the word 'glistening' don't you?

August 12th, 2007, 05:25 PM
I've cut out what I thought was needless extrapolation. I've also removed everything after the first scene brake; Iíll work through it bit by bit. You were right though. Such as saying what shape her eyes and lips where. Eyes and lips being generally of a constant, I should only have described them so in detail if they had a major affect on the story (e.g. she had no eyes, or lips)

Stark Raven
August 14th, 2007, 10:01 PM
The idea seems solid. The execution needs a bit of polishing. The two things that stood out as negatives were the pacing and the misuse of words that sound like other words (ie. "root" instead of "route"). The pacing seemed a little rushed and disjointed. I didn't have a chance to ponder the significance of the main character's interaction with the unicorn, for instance. It seemed kind of pointless and detracted from her meeting with the Prince. Consider what is most important to the scene and focus on that. If you put more effort into the main point of each scene and less into "bling", it will flow better and keep the reader's attention more effectively. After all, you have all the space you need to present your ideas, to build the world and develop the characters. You don't have to shove everything into one or two scenes.

Oh, one other thing... proof read, proof read, proof read! Typos and spelling mistakes are evil and must be rooted out whereever they appear. :)

Hope that helps.