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~*~WiShInG~*~
August 15th, 2007, 04:37 PM
So this is part of a story i wrote, which i want to make better and longer and pad out abit....i have more but i'd thought i'd give you a section for you to read and let you give me feed back and ask if you want more....thanks :D


A Unwelcome Visitor

Deep inside, the heart of an ancient forest, the sunlight was streaming in through the branches of the swooping trees. The leaves were rustling in the light breeze of the autumn season. As one crumpled leaf fell from an old worn-out tree. It landed on a fresh faced girl. She had beautiful golden hair and beaming blue eyes. The young girl Adeline, gazed over to her sister, Alexa, who she was travelling with. Her sister appeared older and she had long brown curls which flowed down past her shoulders and halfway down her back. Her eyes were as blue as droplets of the tropical seas. They darted across the horizon, weary of any dangers lurking behind any corners. The girls wore similar dark clothes, slightly shabby but smart. They wore a jacket and trousers tucked into their boots. They had their belongings in a bag upon there backs and they were armed.
As they proceeded on, there endless journey, the sound of there footsteps crunched against the already fallen leaves. The breeze whipping there half-frozen cheeks. The chill stroking their skin. There clothes fluttering in the blustery winds. There minds wondering on were they'll end up. They had never been any were long, they were always on the move. Ever since they were small. Ever since that terrible day. Ever since that horrific accident.
The winds died down and the last leaves fell to the hidden floor. The sound of the travellers slowed down. They moved towards an archway of trees, this led down to a cottage. The little cottage was covered in a veil of dead moss. The paint on the front door was peeling, the bricks were crumbling and the roof had holes .Some of the windows were boarded up and the others had there shutters closed.
“I wonder who lives there?” asked Adeline.
“Maybe no one”
“well……I’m going to go see” stated Adeline. She then started to run down the hill that led to the door. Alexa chased after her, caught up and grabbed her.
“Adeline, don’t you dare go run to a mysterious house, that looks like no ones lived there for a long time!” shouted Alexa.
Adeline suddenly started to stare at the ground. She shuffled her feet and glanced back up to Alexa’s stern face.
“Okay, I know now, well are you going to see if some ones inside?” asked Adeline.
“well…erm…I guess I better, at least we could use it for shelter tonight.” suggested Alexa.
They were only a few feet away from the door. Alexa plucked up the courage. She started to move forward. A shiver went down her spine, with every step she took towards the door. She finally reached it. She clutched her fist. Then raised it up towards the old door. Struck it a couple of times. The sound echoed inside. Her heart pounded harder and harder with every second. Alexa turned and faced her sister and shrugged. Then all of a sudden a creaking sound came from behind her.
Alexa spun round and saw the door opening slowly. A tall creepy looking, middle aged man poked his head into the newly made gap.
“Yes?” he questioned
“Erm…..hello, my names Alexa and I was wondering if my sister and I could stay the night, we’ll pay of course!”
“well you better this is an inn” replied the old man.
“oh, really, I didn’t know but that’s great.”
“well I thought it a bit obvious, you know with the sign” he pointed to a sign that was hanging by one hinge and covered in dirt and ivy. Also the paint was flaking off and the letters had been worn away.
He opened the door wider, and the girls saw he was stood on a stool. He jumped off then moved out of the way for them to enter. As they stepped inside their ears filled with laughter and song. The smell of wine and rum entered their noses. The hallway was dark and dull. The walls were filthy and looked so old. The door creaked closed and light flickered in the distance. The little old man hobbled around them and went to a doorway where the noise and smell was coming from. The girls hesitantly moved through the door. They saw lots of people all different sizes and types. There were the poor and the rich all in one room. This was something rarely seen. There were lots of tables and chairs overturned. They had been moved to make space for the people who were singing and dancing. There was one spare table and a few chairs. Alexa and Adeline moved over and sat down. The eyes of all the usuals were following them like an owl on it’s prey. Alexa viewed the windows, the wind sweeping past and a few flakes of rain hitting the glass. The evening sky, growing dark. The fire was the only source of light and warmth left. The noise started to brew again, once the townsfolk were back to their normal selves. Alexa dared to take a glimpse at them, they all seemed friendly enough. Everyone was enjoying themselves and drinking. There was only one person who wasn’t joining in apart from themselves. A lad around Alexa’s age seemed to be watching her. He quickly looked away, but as she turned to her sister his eyes were drawn to her again. This time she caught him staring at her.
He got out of his seat and moved over towards them, his face lit up as he got closer. His eyes were reflecting the light off the fire. Alexa couldn’t look away, she felt she was in a trance. All of a sudden he was right in front of her. She could see him perfectly now. He’s hair was as dark as the sky, when the stars weren’t out. When his eyes looked down at her, she could see they were a yellowish green colour.
“You’re a new face” he spoke.
“Yes, we have haven’t been around this area before.” replied Alexa, calmly, as her heart started to beat faster once again.
“Why did you keep looking at my sister?” asked Adeline.
He paused, surprised by the questioned. Alexa started at her sibling bewildered.
“Adeline hold your tongue!” hissed Alexa, as she started to blush.
The young boy laughed then held out his hand.
“My name is Hayden” stated the boy.
“Alexa and this rude girl is my sister Adeline” she said as she point towards Adeline.
Adeline just grinned. The three of them were talking and laughing for most of the night. Hours passed by like seconds and Alexa didn’t want it to end. She had butterflies in her stomach and she felt so safe with this stranger and yet didn’t want it to go away.
As the night went on, people retired to their rooms and the fires glow started to die down. Adeline yawned as the last flame began to flicker.
“ I think its time we were off to are room” suggested Alexa.
“yer, me too. If your not here for long I suggest you visit the town for the next couple of days. It’s a really interesting place, they sell all sorts of things and many rare objects.” blurted out Hayden.
“Oh….okay we might thank you for the idea” replied Alexa puzzled.
Hayden gazed longingly at Alexa and paused, then moved his eyes to Adeline.
“Well, Good night!”
“Good night” sang Adeline, as she rushed towards the stairs. She stopped, then turned and saw her sister frozen on the spot. Hayden glanced back at Alexa.
“I guess I’ll see you again in a few days. Good bye and good night”
Alexa stood there confused, with his words ringing in her ears. She thought to herself. Why was he trying to get rid of them? Didn’t he like them? Didn’t he feel the same way about her, as she did about him? She realized she was still stood there, she turned and saw Adeline waiting for her with a face of concern. She then faced and looked at Hayden.
“Erm…yes Good night and good bye” she uttered. She spun around, and slowly walked over to the stairs and her sister. She ascended them without looking back, and Adeline followed but before disappearing form view she turned and gave a cheeky smile to Hayden and waved.

BrianC
August 15th, 2007, 05:35 PM
I'll take a crack at it. Remember, all criticism is made out of love . . .

First, a grammatical error in the title is not a good start. Tsk, tsk. Also, the usual way to ask for criticism around here is to post the story in the Stories section and then put a link here in the thread.

Okay, on to substance: I thought that the writing was rather wooden and unconvincing. Large portions of the prose actually provide a good example of 'telling' rather than showing. Like this:


Deep inside, the heart of an ancient forest, the sunlight was streaming in through the branches of the swooping trees. The leaves were rustling in the light breeze of the autumn season. As one crumpled leaf fell from an old worn-out tree. It landed on a fresh faced girl. She had beautiful golden hair and beaming blue eyes. The young girl Adeline, gazed over to her sister, Alexa, who she was travelling with. Her sister appeared older and she had long brown curls which flowed down past her shoulders and halfway down her back. Her eyes were as blue as droplets of the tropical seas. They darted across the horizon, weary of any dangers lurking behind any corners. The girls wore similar dark clothes, slightly shabby but smart. They wore a jacket and trousers tucked into their boots. They had their belongings in a bag upon there backs and they were armed.
As they proceeded on, there endless journey, the sound of there footsteps crunched against the already fallen leaves. The breeze whipping there half-frozen cheeks. The chill stroking their skin. There clothes fluttering in the blustery winds. There minds wondering on were they'll end up. They had never been any were long, they were always on the move. Ever since they were small. Ever since that terrible day. Ever since that horrific accident.
The winds died down and the last leaves fell to the hidden floor. The sound of the travellers slowed down. They moved towards an archway of trees, this led down to a cottage. The little cottage was covered in a veil of dead moss. The paint on the front door was peeling, the bricks were crumbling and the roof had holes .Some of the windows were boarded up and the others had there shutters closed.

Wow, that's a lot of detail that's just being dumped on the reader right off hand. Maybe split some of this up with some of the dialogue. The voice was very passive, with lots of 'was' and 'were'

Technical issues: You have quite a few errors in the story, getting beyond the title, that detract from the experience of reading. Here's a few examples:


Deep inside, the heart of an ancient forest, the sunlight was streaming in through the branches of the swooping trees. (comma error).

As one crumpled leaf fell from an old worn-out tree. It landed on a fresh faced girl. (sentence fragment).

Her eyes were as blue as droplets of the tropical seas. (hyperbole).

They darted across the horizon, weary of any dangers lurking behind any corners. (reference error: What darted, the girls, or Alexa's eyes?).

As they proceeded on, there endless journey, the sound of there footsteps crunched against the already fallen leaves. (comma error, spelling).

The breeze whipping there half-frozen cheeks. The chill stroking their skin. There clothes fluttering in the blustery winds. There minds wondering on were they'll end up. (sentence fragments, spelling).

They had never been any were long, they were always on the move. (conjunction error, spelling).

Ever since they were small. Ever since that terrible day. Ever since that horrific accident. (sentence fragments).



This many problems just make reading a chore, and that's the last thing you want.

I also had difficulty with the flow of the prose. The sentences, the ones that were complete, seemed to run on in almost the same cadence all the way through this fragment. Read this fragment again, out loud, and it might seem to drone. I find it is a good idea to vary the sentence length and organization.

Sorry to be so harsh, but keep at it. The story itself may be really good, but you just have to keep chipping away at the marble to release the masterpiece inside :) .

~*~WiShInG~*~
August 15th, 2007, 05:45 PM
No problem i take critism(SP?) very well....and yer i know my writing is very wooden...which kinda sucks but its good to hear some points on it from other people....and to know what they spot that you can't...so thank you very much. :D

and sorry if i posted it in the wrong section i was told to post it here...as i'm new i hadn't a clue...

One question how do you show the reader instead of tell??

Thank You so much....

~*~WiShInG~*~
August 15th, 2007, 06:04 PM
so...is this any better or just as bad???

An Unwelcome Visitor

Deep inside the heart of an ancient forest, the sunlight was streaming in through the branches of the trees. The leaves were rustling in the light breeze of the autumn season. As one crumpled leaf fell from an old worn-out tree, It landed on a fresh faced girl. She had beautiful golden hair and beaming blue eyes. The young girl Adeline, gazed over to her sister who she was travelling with.
“Alexa, can we stop!” wined Adeline.
“No, we’ve only been walking a few miles, and its getting dark. We need to carry on.” came the reply Adeline new just too well.
Alexa appeared older and as she walked on her long brown curls bounced down past her shoulders and flowed down her back. Her eyes were just as blue as Adeline’s if not more.
As they proceeded on, their endless journey, the sound of their footsteps echoed through the soundless forest. The breeze whipping their half-frozen cheeks. The chill stroking their skin. Their clothes fluttering in the blustery winds. Their minds wondering on were they'll end up. They had never been any where long, they were always on the move. Ever since they were small. Ever since that terrible day. Ever since, that horrific accident.

BrianC
August 17th, 2007, 06:37 AM
The organization seems better, but you still have grammatical errors that you need to work on. My advice from this point would be to write the story or scene to the end. Then rewrite it, paying really close attention to grammar, spelling, and sentence construction. Then repost it, (put it in the story section, and start a thread with a link to the story) and ask for criticism.

~*~WiShInG~*~
August 17th, 2007, 07:05 PM
okay thnxs :D

but...where is that??

BrianC
August 19th, 2007, 12:54 AM
Look at the Nav bar at the top of the page. Second link from the left takes you to the stories section. Log in, post the story, then copy the URL of the page the story is on. Come back here and paste the url into a thread post. Then just highlight the url, hit the insert link button, paste the url into the dialogue bok and hit 'okay'. That should do it.