[postlukecore]

Here's the second half of my first chapter for The Cuckoo. I would love if James Carmack and Zellie would have a look at it to follow up from their excellent critiques of my first part.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2601p0.html


Thanks all. You can find the link to the first part here, if you need catching up.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2472p0.html

[James Carmack]

I've got a deadline to meet this Wednesday, so I can't cover it until after then. I will make a point ot go over it, though, especially since you requested me in particular. (What can I say? I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. ^_^ )

[postlukecore]

Bump. Just so it's not forgotten.

[postlukecore]

Argh. Bumping twice is bad for self-esteem.

[James Carmack]

Sorry, pal, but I've been saddled with a lot of extra crap at the moment. I haven't forgotten about you and I will get to it. (Can't speak for anyone else, though. All manner of busy little bees, I'm sure.)

[postlukecore]

I know....just a moment of petulance.
I'm a busy bee as well, I just don't want it to sink so far down that it gets lost.

[James Carmack]

I still lack the time for my usual critique, but I have gone over the latest chapter and since you've been waiting so long, I might as well leave some impressions.

I will credit you for maintaining the gritty tone and feel of the story. Now, I've been told that a writer ought to be bold, but we all have our limits. If this chapter didn't cross the line for me, it definitely was dancing on it. You, of course, should be true to your vision, but I can't help wanting to put some distance between me and your story. If I was not doing the professional courtesy of supplying feedback to a fellow writer, I probably would've dropped the story after this. That's just me. I can't speak for anyone but myself. However, if you're wanting to sell this piece, you sometimes have to temper your artistic vision with a mind for marketability. Just food for thought. (The artist in me wants you to continue to be as hard-hitting throughout, the businessman wonders how you could sell it, and the miserable old prude wants to scratch his eyes out. Just a touch of conflict here. ^_^; )

One quick thing: the names. If we were all Japanese, you could get away with naming charaters "Clear" and "Marginal" (since they find bizarre names like that terribly clever), but it's not so easy to get names like that to fly in an English-language book meant for an English-speaking audience. I can't stop you from using them, but the advice is there whether you choose to heed it or not.

" クリア " and " マージナル "... Yes, I could definitely see those in the next Gundam series.

[postlukecore]

I'm very interested in some of the reactions from people about the content, since "technically" nothing really even happens to the boy besides being chased and menaced.
I recall reading a scene in Bakker's Prince of Nothing series in which large misshapen members of the evil side rape and murder a whole family indiscriminately, but perhaps because it's used as an epilogue of sorts, it's more easy to forgive.

So, that said, my reasoning for including some of this content is: I find it hard to believe that most of the things that serve to shape menacing or terrible figures in literature actually would do that in real life. Having worked with young adults for a while now, and having dealt with several who have undergone sexual or physical abuse of some kind, I realize that the numbing effects these events have on kids are incalculable. We're only beginning to understand what a single instance of violation can do to the lifelong psyche of an adolescent. It's been studied a ton, but I see it firsthand in a lot of my students. There is a sense of cold, calculating numbness that pervades their being.

So, what if that cold calculating numbness were to turn to a sense of euphoria, or even be welcomed? How much more strange and twisted could the psyche become? Whatever the case, I think something extreme beyond the whole "losing a family or family member" has to occur.
Needless to say, I don't endorse the rape of a young boy by a cancerous predator.

I don't really care about money at this point. I'm just trying to get used to writing stuff, and I've had these ideas floating in my head for a while, so it's cathartic to get them out and written down. I can always go back and soften some of the writing later if need be.
For the moment, though, if China Mieville can get away with some of the stuff he gets away with, and Clive Barker can write something like Imajica or Weaveworld, then I'm going to keep trucking and just try to get the thing done.

As far as the names go, I hadn't thought about the Japanese thing at all. The word "clear" has many definitions, and one of them is "clear of discoloring or blemishes". Since the character Clear has perfectly pale skin, I figured it could be a name he picked up over the years and never dropped. The same with Grint. He's got gold teeth, so a man he served with who was missing his tongue would try to call him "Glint" unsuccessfully, so everyone started calling him "Grint" instead, and it just stuck. Maginal would be a real name, but I thought it sounded French.
I guess Clear could definitely fly in an anime, but I don't know about the other ones. I like the whole Black Company model of names given long ago that just stuck.

Anyway, thanks for your comments, as always. I wish everyone could get through the content a little to give me some criticism on the writing itself, but maybe that's the price I must pay for being nasty. :)

Take er easy.

[James Carmack]

I think it's good that you're trying to explore the issue, especially with the exposure experience has given you. Who knows? It might actually turn into something positive. A more frank appraisal of the problem could result in some more effective solutions.

While you didn't let things go all the way, you were very up-front about the whole thing. A lot of people are more coy about such matters, which probably goes a ways towards making it more palatable. I'm not saying it's necessarily a good thing, but there it is.

The fact that you aren't singularly focused on the bottom line gives you more liberty to explore various content. There are, of course, many among us who'd like to make some money off our work. The devotion to money comes with consequences. Knowing that you aren't specifically looking to profit from your piece does have an effect on how I take it in.

As for the names, if you're content with them, then by all means use them. I foresaw you getting some grief for it, so I thought I'd warn you. As long as you're pleased with what you've got, you're welcome to do what you will to your baby.

Needless to say, I don't endorse the rape of a young boy by a cancerous predator.

I'm sure there'd be a special circle in Hell waiting for you if you did. :P

I wish everyone could get through the content a little to give me some criticism on the writing itself

"Everyone"? Are you counting all the voices in my head as individual entities? :P Seriously, though, I would do a more in-depth analysis, but I simply don't have the time. I can tell you that you're writing is pretty solid. Yes, there are points here and there I'd tag you on, but there was nothing so grossly wrong that I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs or anything.