[bassinstinct]

Hi all,

Although I'm still undecided on whether to start a new novel in the middle of writing my other one, I did put together a brief intro to the story. It's not much, but I wanted it to set the tone for the rest of the story, which will be fairly apocalyptic in feel (with a healthy dose of horror thrown in for good measure ^_^).

If any of you would be willing to critique it for style, pace, etc., I'd be much obliged. You can view it at: http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2606p0.html

Thank you!

[Stark Raven]

Not bad. It's an interesting concept, to be sure. The narrative seemed a bit choppy, but not terribly so. There were parts that were confusing until I read it over a couple times. Specifically the part with the text message on the cell phone. I understand the purpose of that, namely to create a mysterious connection between the main character and the woman in the SUV. Still it could have been written a little more clearly. Also, I am assuming that the SUV in question was a "Hummer", not a "Hammer"?

Overall, I'd say it's a nice start, but it could use a rewrite to smooth it out.

[bassinstinct]

Thanks Stark Raven! That's very encouraging feedback! I'm hesitant to start this novel mostly because I haven't truly defined Clara's character yet, and so I'm still not sure exactly what her narrative voice is.

I agree that, in reading it again, the text message reference is way too confusing. So confusing, in fact, that it's easy to assume it's from the woman in the SUV. It's actually not. It's another in a string of bizarre text messages she's been getting from an undefined sender. In other words, someone with a better vantage point than her is keeping an eye on her. Someone knew the woman would burn up, and told Clara to watch for it.

Oh, and the Hammer thing is deliberate ^_^ I tend to not use actual product or company names in my fiction. So Hummers become Hammers, Starbucks becomes Cosmos Coffee, and Wendy's becomes Burger Girl. Silly, I know, but it's just something I enjoy doing.

Thanks!

[P.I. Barrington]

of course I find this critique thread five seconds after I've posted my comments elsewhere! I've written a semi-large critique and don't care to repost it here. Sorry.:eek:

[MrBF1V3]

Cut and paste Barrington. :)

First person seems to work here, especially for getting the mood of your MC. The whole thing is interesting enough to make me want more. Somewhat brooding, with a little attitude.

I did find "Hammer" distractingly similar to the brand name you don't want to mention. I'd suggest something else, but all I can think of at the moment is "Singer." Anyway, reconsider that.

If you're working on something else, just write the occasional scenes which come to mind. When you get to this one, you'll have all kinds of material to work with, and a better definition of your characters. Just a thought.

B5

[Arash]

The narrative seemed a bit choppy, but not terribly so.

Could you give an example of this? I hear that a lot and don't always know what people mean. Also how would you fix that example? A couple of sentences would do. Thanks.

[Stark Raven]

Well, I suppose "choppy" is a bit subjective. It's entirely possible that it's just a style choice. Still, I'll attempt to give examples.

Choppy:

"I watched the clouds. They were fluffy and white. Very pretty against a sky so blue that it hurt to look at it. No rain again today."

Flows better:

"I looked up at the bright azure sky and sighed. Fleecy white clouds drifted over me with lazy grandeur, distant and uncaring of the parched earth below. Not one showed the slightest inclination to rain on my thirsty fields."

See the difference?

[bassinstinct]

That's actually a very good example, Stark Raven. While I agree that it might be a matter of style (and in the case of Mourning, it might become a conscious decision to make Clara's narrative choppier, especially since she's going to be on the run for most of the story), I do like what you did. But then, is it even a question of choppiness, or just better writing? Your second example just seems more skilled, descriptive, and better developed, like something that's already gone several revisions, whereas the first example is like a pre-first draft ^_^

Thanks to everyone, by the way, for your two cents! This is really quite an amazing community of SF/Fantasy writers.:)

[Stark Raven]

Well, rough drafts are going to flow less well than the polished version, of course. Although, I have to admit that I had to think about the "choppy" version harder than the "flowing" version. That's just the way I write, oddly. I have to work to tone down my sentences so they aren't too flowery.

I've noticed, also, that writing in first person tends to lend itself to a more disjointed narrative. The author isn't as obligated to "fill in the blanks" when the character is telling the story. The best example that I've seen of this is Roger Zealazny's Amber series. He does an excellent job of drawing the reader into his world through the eyes of his narrator, despite the very nature of the story being somewhat chaotic and surreal.