[pennywise86]

I posted a short story here a couple months back called "Assassin's Road", and I was given some good feedback to make it smaller and more intriguing. This is a revision of that short story, let me know what you guys think.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2612p0.html

[Shane]

You didn't capture me from the first sentence. By then my experience was already tainted, and even though I read on to finish the paragraph, you just didn't manage to capture my interests.

I'd redouble your efforts on the opening. And when you've managed to make the opening awesome, apply that same technique to the rest of your story.

[Sticktator]

That's a coincidence.

My main character, Jakkor, is going to be called Jak for short.

I think you use the phrase "the boy" too often.

I do like your style of writing, but perhaps at the start of the story, you should use more adjectives, to make us visualise what's happening. That style of writing would be good in the middle of a book though.

[Wiggin]

My comments:

1. As mentioned, the first hint at anything interesting is the word steal, which is probably too late.

2. I assume "the boy" and "Jak" are one and the same? Because you switch from boy to Jak to boy to Jak to boy to Jak to boy to Jak. It is confusing at first when the reader thinks Jak is not the boy, and it is random. And later you use youth, seemingly just for variety. Just because good prose is usually varied, it doesn't mean variety makes for good prose.

3. I think you use the word lust strangely. If it is not sexual lust, then I think you need to specify. Bloodlust, lust for violence, or some such.

4. I don't think it is possible to make a knife flash in a setting sun. Glow perhaps.

5. "loosing the fight" should be "losing the fight."

6. "And all because hadn't want to share the few graylings."

7. "Jak screamed and wailed." What, is he lying still?

8. "He looked down to see Jak's eyes gazing into another world." And then you write "In his mind he saw Jak's pale, dead face, staring into nothing." Inconsistent.

9. "he felt it was him who had died on the street." And then you write "He felt that a small part of him had died with Jak." Inconsistent. These inconsistencies come up because you are a little bit repetitious. Needs tightening.

10. "hanging between consciousness." Huh? Between consciousness and what?

11. I think you move too speedily from setting sun to silver moon. I think you need to do a chapter break or otherwise suggest a bit of time has passed before the boys come for Elric.

12. "It could have been any of them, but Elric knew it was Rasen." So then it couldn't have been any of them. Elric knows who it is, the author knows who it is, Rasen knows who it is.

13. "The sudden memory of what he had undergone that night broke him from his stupor." Again? Thank God he has his memories to drive him every time he hesitates, right? The two fights are way too similar in the way they play out.

14. "Shut up!" I'm not sure why Elric would say that. Hasn't he got greater grievances than what Rasen says? "Shut up and die!" I might understand.

15. "A cat hissed directly behind the older boy." This is a bit too Deus Ex Machina for me. If you want a cat to save the day, then you'll have to introduce that cat earlier somehow.

Overall, not bad, I would certainly encourage you to keep working on it. Have you ever read Jorge Luis Borges? He has a penchant for knife fights, almost to the point of obsession.

[pennywise86]

thanks for the feedback guys. Wiggin, i've taken your comments into consideration and applied the changes. But what can you guys suggest to make the opening or the second fight better?