[Fruitonica]

This is a fairly short story that I wrote for my english class. It was originally going to be even shorter with more stylised prose and set purely from the monsters perspective. However that was too short and so I introduced the character of the priest.

I would appreciate any critique. Especially on the quality of my prose and what you think I could do to improve it.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2624p0.html

edit:teehee, I forgot the link

[BrianC]

Fruitonica, there's a lot that could be improved here--but of course every story begins in draft right?

First the plot. Your basic story goes like this: an unorthodox, jaded priest is confronted by a real-world manifestation of evil. So far that's rather commonplace, but that's alright because loads of good stories are just unique takes on common ideas. Here, however, you don't develop the plot any further. Is there a history between the priest and the creature? What led the priest to become jaded, and why is that an important detail? Does it matter that the priest is an outcast from his church, and just what church is that anyway, how is he so unorthodox, do these things mattter anyway? Finally, just what is this creature beyond it's physical description? How and why did it come to be in a modern city? Why does it seem to specifically seek out the priest? Without having some of these details worked out, the story comes across as ill-focused and confusing.

Second, the characters. You need to develop the characters much more. As I outlined above, you really don't give us much on even your main two characters. The confessioneer at the beginning is very minor to the story and should remain that way. You actually give too much detail on him. And I think the detective at the end is completely extraneous. My advice: focus on the priest in the beginning, the monster in the middle, and the confrontation between the two in the end. Give us more detail on the things that matter, and much less on the tertiary characters.

Third, the prose. Your prose is not all that bad, if a little passive and tending toward cliche. What really hurts the prose is that it is unfocused, rambling. Keep it tight. Every word should matter.

Well, that's my advice. Hope it helped.

[Fruitonica]

Thanks for the advice. I'll take it into account when I have to write another story.

The creature in question is Lucifer the fallen angel, which is admittedly quite difficult to "get". I should probably have made that clearer.