[pennywise86]

This is a just a really short story (2 pages) that I've had kicking around on my computer for a few months along with a few other short stories. I've fixed it up, but i need someone else's eyes to see how it really looks. I'd appreciate some constructive feedback. Thank you.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2632p0.html

[Kreschyboy]

Well hello there. Here's what i have to offer.

I liked the theme of the story a lot, and i think with some polishing it would be really cool. I think if you wanted, you could even make it longer.

Questions:
What are the narrator's problems?
Where is "this place?"
What happened to Michael?
Where did Michael go? (from "I didn't even stay to see him go")
What is the Narrator's story going to be about?
Why the 3rd day? in short stories, every word should be there for a reason.

Concerns:
Some of the word choice was a little weak, moreso on the first page than the second, i'll point out a few.
This is a very specific person to return to for problems, therefore are his problems something to do with his childhood? they should somehow be connected to the story teller. it's less meaningful if he's just the Aspirin for a backache, ya know?

See the color key below.


I found the storyteller on the third day of my search.

[When I saw him] I found it hard to believe that he was the man I had been searching for. The man I remembered had been full of life and mirth andwith flesh on his bones. This man sitting atop the hilltop before me had none of those thingsqualities. He was gaunt, and my first thought on sight of him was: He's nothing more than a bag of bones. Dark circles underlined his eyes, which now appeared sunken and stared out at the world with an apathy that was startling.Dark circles underlining his sunken eyes, he stared at the world with an apathy i could hardly believe.

Red means Weak Phrase
Blue means repetetive
Green means extraneous, unneeded
Magenta means take out andReplace with dried blood color

heh, i went a lil crazy with the colors. But basically if u can foreshadow and get the reader questioning before you reveal information, then your story will be more interesting. for instance, if you mention near the beginning that :the old man was the father of michael, a friend of mine. at least, he was a friend of mine..." oooooh, mysterious.... but you get the point.
Also, go through your prose with a fine toothed comb like i just did. If a sentence seems in any way to make slightly less than full sense to you, that means it makes none to a reader.

Good luck, and i'd like to read it again if you decide to fix it up.

-Kreschyboy

[Fruitonica]

I liked it too.

It has an interesting premise which I wouldn't mind seeing expanded upon. Sometimes your prose did seem a little weak but overall it flowed very well.

And I think if you revealed a tad more info it would work better. Just a little mind..

[pennywise86]

I meant for the story to be short because I think it works better for this story. If i'd made it longer, taken time to explain everything, I feel it would have taken some of the mystery out of it and just given everything to the reader on a platter. I suppose that's why I didn't explain the character's problems too deeply or where they are, but left it ambiguous for the reader to draw their own conclusions, so that we know he has some sort of problems in his life and he's come seeking an ease, never thinking to find a broken man, but not exactly what problems, or exactly where they are.

As for the question of where Michael went, I suppose I could have made that more clearer. He died in the hospital and the old man left, unable to stay and watch him depart.

All in all, there are some changes I can make to improve it. So thank you for pointing those out and for your feedback.

[lin]

I would say it needs to be more pointed, focused up a little more. By whatever means you see to do that.

I would scan for sentences that fall wrong, like:

I remembered Michael quite clearly for the short while I had known him.

or the

full of live and mirth and skin on his bones,

perhaps

Good luck