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Critique:Fated Children. Book 1 Of Destinies Child., Proposed blurb and other HELP


Anthorn
September 14th, 2007, 04:49 AM
Okay here is mine.

A score of centuries have passed since the Great War almost destroyied the land of Ona. The Council of Alexiamdra. succeeded in defeating the "Great evil" A sorceress named Anwyn. And as a result of this victory, history was rewritten, any text that did not suggest that Anwyn was all evil was destroyed. Laws were passed that prohibited women from becoming sorceresses.


Allmost A thousand years to the day that Anwyn fell the world is once more about to fall in to turmoil. For 500 years a rumour has circulated. That Anwyn, the deciever, the great betrayer will return. That upon the eve of the anniversery of the Great war. Anwyn will be reborn, in the womb of a child of Kuschev......

Faircaira, is that child Or so the council believe, and so have condemned her to die.

It falls to five unlikely people to save her.
An Alcoholic.
A thief
A singer
A harlot
and a mercinary.


But meanwhile a Jaded army officer plans to bring war upon the council.
And in the north a woman calling herself a sorceress and a goddess appears ready to bring ruin on the world

I've done Two book blurbs of a sort. Which ones do you like best?


A Thousand years ago a war was ended and a city was, as a result destroyed. While almost ruin was brought to the continent of Ona. The Council of Alexiamdra suceeded in defeating the "Great evil." A sorceress. and as the years passed and the world changed history was rewritten. Laws passed prohbiting women from becoming sorceresses.

A Thousand years later the world has moved on, but is once more stepping towards war. For Five hundered years a rumor has circulated. That Anwyn, the woman responsible for the almost ruin of Ona will return, reborn in the womb of a child of Kuschev..

Faircaira is that girl, or so it is believed. Condemned to die it falls to five unlikely people to save her.

Garrison. An Alcoholic desperate to escape the past.
Sorrel. A harlot seeking her daughter sold to slaves for bread more than eight years ago.
Faelii. A former Guardian come mercinary, who's sole purpose is to rescue Faircaira.
And Anthorn and Nikita. A thief and singer wanting to explore the world outside the Slums of the city.

But in the south a jaded army officer plots rebellion while in the north, into this world steps the first sorceress in a thousand years plotting bloody ruin.



That was the first one. Here is the 2nd.

A Thousand years ago the War of the Mystic Arts brought almost ruin to the land of Ona. Cities were levelled and the world forever changed. Only the combined might of the Council of Alexiamdras strongest Mancers was the "Great Evil." Anwyn defeated. As a result laws were passed prohibiting women from becoming sorceresses.

A Thousand years on the world has changed. Though once again the world is about to plunge into war. For five hundred years a rumor has existed, circulating across the land. That Anwyn, the woman responsible for the long ago war will be reborn in the womb of a child of Kuschev.

Faicaira a girl of 13 harvests is that girl, or so the council believe. All signs point to it. And so she is condemned to die. Unfortunately it has fallen to five unwilling people to save her.
Garrison. An Alcoholic desperate to escape his past.
Sorrel. A harlot seeking her daughter, sold for bread to slavers more than eight years ago.
Faelii. Once a Guardian now a mercinary, who's sole purpose is to save the child of Kuschev.
And Nikita. A Singer from the southern islands about to embark on a pilgramage and Anthorn a boy with no past that appeared during a firestorm.

But a jaded army officer cares not for rumors or legends, only vengence, and plots to bring down the council.
And into this world steps a sorceress and self proclaimed god plotting ruin.


I'm not sure what to go with.
I've worked out basic history. Months and how long they last. and i've decided that the main part of the first novel will take place over the 9 months of pregnancy of Faircaira. I just can't decide which blurb/plot to go with.

I like the 2nd one but also the 1st.

Any help and suggestions will be most aprreciated.

 

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