[Tristis]

Hi everybody!

It's been a while since I posted because I've been focussed on projects and fretting over my life choices. Besides that, I really wanted to post something here that I wrote, since this is a writers' forum and to date I've been too chicken to show anything. So I took the time to pluck and pick and paint and now I've nailed stuff together and have this:

http://houseofjanus.ca/otherwork/carolexcerptsfrombetrayal.htm

I am completely open to comments of all kinds, but I think the main reason for posting it here is to just believe that it can get read by somebody other than my friends and family (who have all my whining to deal with) and the still-silent submissions folk (I'm betting by now that the book it's from is at the bottom of a slush pile waiting for recycle day).

The excerpt is kinda long (twenty two pages if it were in word), but it's really a bunch of short scenes. I wanted to have the whole little sub-plot they cover in there.

Also, :o I included a glossary.

Maybe stories shouldn't need glossaries. I probably should write in enough information to keep the reader from having to do extra work (and heck, maybe I have and you don't need it!) but the stories I write are from a universe I have been working with for thirty years. It's got history that just doesn't fit in twenty two pages.

Besides all that, I like reference books. I really enjoyed making the glossary. There is a much larger encyclopedia that exists for this universe that I am constantly building on. :o:o but the pared-down glossary is much less cumbersome.

I respect all of your opinions as valid. I tend not to get defensive about criticism because I know, as an unpublished writer, I have a long way to go. I would really love to hear from anyone, even if you don't read the whole thing, or don't like what you read.

PS: there is some strong language in the piece.

[Power to the J]

This is pretty good, but the language you use seems a little bit bland to me. It reads almost like a screenplay, with you just telling me what happens and not adding any different language uses or anything. I think that would help.

As for the story itself, you write action well, and I could understand what was going on very clearly. Your characters seem pretty well-written, with solid dialogue to go with them.

Overall, this is good, but I think that you need to liven up your prose a bit. Keep going, and good luck with this!

[Tristis]

Thanks for your comments, Power to the J. I really appreciate it!

This is pretty good, but the language you use seems a little bit bland to me.

You hit on a point that really worries me. I think you're right. I think I need to read fewer reference books and more novels.

I have to say that I don't know where the lines are. The publishers talk about using proper form and that a submission needs to be literate. What the heck does that mean? Can I use contractions or not? If not, how do I say what's happening (what is happening) without coming across very stilted? And if I work really hard, and say a sentence fifteen different ways, maybe I can get the point across a little less snooty, but I think by then I've killed the poor muse on my shoulder with the cuts of a thousand adverbs and created such a distance from the action that it doesn't matter what's happening, it sounds like high-school history.

All my experience with formal writing comes from university and writing documents for government lobby work. I am suspicious I need to make drastic changes in approach.

So, by that, I also mean thank you, but I mean it with my hands yanking on tufts of my hair.