[LaBelle]

Hey everybody, I'm new to the forum but I'm in the process of creating a rather complicated story and am in desperate need of critique.

First off, this is a folklore fantasy with some sci-fi elements and while I have the direction of the story pretty worked out I'm worried about my grammar and dialogue.

Firstly, the premise of my story is basically about a prophecy that is assigned to the main character, an unimportant girl named Imogene Jean-Marie Deveaux. The story is told from her point of view as she travels through various worlds and times in search of the location to this all-important 'evil sword' that she is destined to find and return to it's rightful owner.
The second main character is Robert Fairfax who, along the way becomes the love interest but starts off butting heads constantly with Imogene. His past is a complicated one that ends up being the catalyst for Imogenes Prophecy and ends up becoming very important as the journey goes on.
Also, throughout the first book of the story there is endless references to the Wizard of Oz...sort of a funny little parallel to Imogenes own adventure into another world.

Well, I don't want to ramble on but I have a sample first chapter introducing Imogene and the Prophecy and would really appreciate critique on my grammar and word flow and overall writing skills, whether good or bad.
Warning, it's 25 pages long...:p


Chapter 1 - Part One
http://tipsy-armadillo.livejournal.com/20959.html#cutid1

Part 2
http://tipsy-armadillo.livejournal.com/21045.html#cutid1

[BrianC]

I've had a peek at Part One, sorry no more time at the moment, and I liked it. The opening is intriguing, and playful, and reminded me of Douglas Adams. I would read this, of course depending on if you kept my attention. I could have done with a little less focus on Thursday at the very beginning (I get it, Thursday is usually boring), but hey, nice mention of Thor. My main critique, since there really isn't enough here to get into the plot (and I didn't read enough to get a strong sense of character) is that you should read through the story out loud and resolve some awkward phrasing that impedes the flow.

Example:

With a groan, I dragged my stiff body up and blinked my eyes slowly at my room. I didn't need a mirror to tell I looked awful. I was a wreck every morning, I knew what the bathroom mirror would show me were I to bother to look. Short, matte black hair stuck up in tangled clumps, bloodshot hazel eyes, paper white skin that darkened as I woke to a pale butterscotch shade. I was a mess but I cleaned up nice...not that I ever did much in the way of that now that I had quit school. Pity.

First person narrative can be tough to make interesting while not giving the character a entire matched set of neuroses, beginning with narsicism. How often do you really think about your appearance when you're not looking in a mirror? This quote is just too focused on 'I' (IMO). Here's a suggestion (I tried to emulate your voice):

Groan.

I struggled upright, my body lodging protests for the entire journey, and accomplished blinking for several minutes. Good progress.

I knew what I'd see in the mirror, but I stumbled to it anyway, and cringed. Matte black hair stuck up in short tangled clumps at oddly random angles, bloodshot hazel eyes, blotchy skin like weak butterscotch. I was a mess but I cleaned up nice . . . pity that I had no reason to bother, but on the other hand I could be still in school.

Shiver.

[LaBelle]

Thanks for the advice BrianC, I took some of your advice, went back and re read part of the chapter. It's a very rough draft and needs a lot of work but I managed to fix up some of the problems I had and shave the chapter down from 25 pages to 21 by getting rid of a lot of useless stuff and changing some of the sentence structure.
Still a long ways to go but your advice helped.

Also, thought I'd put in a little side note about what this story is actually about and where it's going. You're right, one chapter isn't a lot to go by.

Of course the main character is Imogene, high school dropout who receives a letter from a mysterious masked creature/person (who is a key character later on) that is a summons from the Department of Prophecy Fulfillment. Turns out she has to find an evil sword and return it to it's rightful owner or bad things will happen. Where the sword is and who she is to deliver it to isn't revealed.

The second main character is Robert Fairfax who we know nothing about except that he was sentenced to hard labor in the Underground for a crime he commited long ago. Quite important to the story later on.

The thing I tried to do as this is partially a time traveling story is to introduce every main character in the first two chapters as everything that happens in those two chapters is in some ways the driving force for the conclusion. So the beginning is a tad uneventful because of that but all the main characters that are introduced are connected to each other as it becomes revealed later on and their connection is all tied to the sword that Imogene has to find.
I've got the beginning and end all figured out....the middle is another story. :D

[LaBelle]

Ok....I'm back with some more updates. Rather than starting a whole new thread I thought I'd give my old one another go.

As of now I'm nearly finished my fourth chapter (it's been slow going but each chapter is about 20 pages) and dear old Imogene has progressed in her journey. The following is a piece of chapter four (very rough draft) and features the Twins in their first introduction. Two characters who will become more important as the story progresses.

It's quite a bit of reading to do but any critique/criticisms on my characterization or dialogue or anything you did/didn't like would be appreciated.


What on earth could have caused this? Where was everyone? Where were Fairfax and Constance? Had they escaped in time? Had Fairfax even made it to the village before this disaster? Were they all dead was the question that rose highest in my mind as the blazing heat washed over me, forcing me away.
Fire seemed to be the plague of these lands and it occurred to me that whoever burned down the forest might have done this. The same person who appeared to have power enough to scorch a magic forest and drive a deity to madness...was that the person who had done this?
A grim, helpless sort of fear was rising up in me, it had been building since I had stepped foot inside the Department and realized I was just a little fish in a very big ocean who was being expected to play the part of a shark. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t face magic and danger and evil on my own, even with Fairfax at my side I had been utterly out of my league. How could they expect me to do anything? How could the Department hope for me to fulfill any damned Prophecy? How could Fairfax expect me to survive by myself in a strange world? Why would Sandman ask me to help him when I couldn’t even help myself? Worse, why had I expected this of myself? What on earth made me think I was going to go off on a big grand adventure and play the part of a hero when I could barely face myself in the mirror in my own world? I was nothing, a pitiful anonymous nobody. A goldfish swimming in a sea of sharks.
I had made a mistake. I had underestimated this world, fooled myself into thinking I would be going off on a fantasy vacation for two week, returning the conquering hero to my nice normal life, alls well that ends well.
I was an idiot.
The village burning to the ground before my eyes was harsh proof of my naive stupidity. It had not fully sunken in until I realized that people I knew might actually be dead, their whole lives up in flames in an instant that this was no game.
I could die in this place, alone, and nobody in my world would ever know what had become of me.
Oh god...what had I done?
A voice behind me laughed. “That expression!”
I spun around so quickly I nearly lost my balance. The person behind me laughed harder. My eyes narrowed as I saw who found all this so funny. Two familiar yet unknown faces stared back at me. The twins. The twins from the Department. I recognized the male as the one who had robbed the Department vault just minutes before we – Fairfax and I -- had set out. The two of them stood before me, both nearly half a foot shorter than my own height but older than me. Maybe nineteen or twenty.
The albino female was the one laughing.
At any other time I might have asked who they were but I just wasn’t in the right mood for pleasantries. “Did you do this?” I demanded, reaching into my pocket and grabbing hold of the knife.
The girls laughing faded to a barely suppressed chuckle as she looked at me with obvious amusement as if I had just done something she found incredibly funny. I didn’t share her good humour. My hand tightened on the knife and I honestly felt the urge to use it on that freakish girl. I didn’t like her attitude and I didn’t like the way she looked.
She stood as tall as me, white hair falling around her childishly featured face. It was a look that might have been appealing had it not been for her unnaturally wide eyes and unnervingly mischievous face. She looked like a child whose favourite pastime was torturing small animals and setting lawns on fire...but she wasn’t a child, not even close. Something about her struck me as a little off, something that had nothing to do with the fact that I thought she was a murderer. Her pink eyes glittered strangely with just a little too much mirth, her mouth smiled just a bit too widely...she just didn’t look right.
“I did,” the woman-child said softly, still smiling.
That took me aback. “What – why? Why would you do that? Who are you?” I demanded.
Her smile disappeared. “I think the better question is who are you? Or rather, who the hell do you think you are?”
I was confused. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I replied truthfully.
The girl snarled, her face twisting and lips curling, baring her sharp teeth. “Of course not.” She spat. “You, little girl, have wandered your stupid self into a whole heap of trouble. This is the big leagues, sister; you don’t want to get yourself buried in so far you can’t climb your way out again.”
Her words echoed my own thoughts and fears but her tone raised my anger. Who cared about my insecurities at a time like this? “Stop trying to change the subject. You killed all those people! Why would you do that?” I screamed. “Answer me!”
“They needed to die.” She replied coldly.
“No...you need to die.”
Her pink eyes bore steadily into my own, burning with malicious intent, the eyes of a caged animal that dearly wanted to break out of its cage and hurt somebody. I had never seen a person like her in my life. The blatant, uncensored hatred that seemed to surround her was frightening and somehow exhilarating. Her predatory stance and gaze woke something in me, something that modern life had done its best to eradicate. My hand flexed on the knife and I wanted her to give me a reason to use it. Her look was a challenge, her posture was ready. Her mouth twisted into a ‘come and get it’ sort of smirk.
The bitch wanted a fight? I would give her a fight. I had been frightened and scared and useless – my muscles ached, my empty stomach burned, my head spun and all I wanted to do was let my rage out on someone and this girl answered my call. My grief over all the people she had killed in the village only fuelled my near homicidal anger. Those kind porcelain people, every single one of them was dead, the ones from the village and the Nightwatchmans Tower. The forest was all but dead – the whole land now inhabited solely by a crazed being consumed by madness and sand. My only friend and companion in the whole world was missing in action, presumed dead and now this girl wanted to come and start something with me.
Bring it on.
I prepared myself to attack when the male twin who had gone unnoticed until that point spoke up.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He said, stepping closer into full view, the light from the fire making him seem almost otherworldly.
I paused.
The male twin seemed far more agreeable than his viper of a sister, not only in looks but personality as well – that didn’t stop him from having the same ‘not quite right’ air about him. This twin looked as if he had leeched every bit of life and colour from his sister. Where his sister was pale as a corpse he glowed with life, where her eyes were pink and shark-like his were those of a horse or a deer, big and brown and tranquil. He was everything she was not yet he was a mirror image of her, a male version of his female counterpart almost to the point of androgyny. If his appearance was a mirror image his personality was the polar opposite, calm, peaceful, almost shy, he didn’t look weak but he did looked fragile whereas his sister looked as if she could take five bullets to the chest and still keep coming.
Bitch.
The male looked closely at me. “Where is your companion?”
“How the hell should I know?” I said before realizing I probably should have kept my mouth shut and kept them guessing.
The girls’ eyes lit up. “Well now. That certainly makes things less complicated. Tell me, girl, how far did you think you were going to get with that Prophecy? Did you honestly think you could fulfil it?” She asked mockingly. “I don’t know how in the hell you got chosen of all people.”
“I didn’t ask for this.” I countered, feeling defensive.
The boy shook his head. “None ever do. It doesn’t matter if you were chosen or not, the Prophecy is not rightfully yours. It belongs to Us.”
What? “No it doesn’t.” I countered. Even as I said that a vague memory of Caspar Coeus appeared in my head. On my first appearance at the Department he had said something that had stuck with me since then but that I hadn’t thought of in a while. He said a girl had disappeared while fulfilling a Prophecy. A girl who tragically disappeared without a trace...near a century ago. That was impossible, the girl didn’t look a day over twenty and he had never mentioned a twin brother.
“It does and We want it back. You have no idea what this Prophecy is about. You only hold half.”
The girl, looking pensive spoke up. “Though how you got even half of We still don’t know since mine is the original and it is still intact. I’m willing to bet neither do you.”
She was right, I didn’t. “You were the girl Caspar Coeus talked about, aren’t you? The girl who disappeared?” She looked surprised. “He said you disappeared nearly a century ago without a trace. They thought you were dead.”
Her jaw clenched. “And yet here I am. Not once did they search for me or try to find where I was. They didn’t even recognize me when I was right in front of their faces in the Department! I was sent out to die and so were you. You read the documents, signed the forms, and sold your soul to the devil. Did they tell you what these sorts of Prophecies do to you? How they begin to drive you mad or how they often end on death? I’ll bet they didn’t tell you that, did they.” She said with barely suppressed rage. “It’s been a century, hasn’t it, do you know how many other poor souls they sent out on this exact same Prophecy since then? Better yet, do you know how many made it back alive?” She smiled without any humour. “I’m the original; it’s my Prophecy, my burden. You need to go back where you came from, leave Inner World and forget you ever heard any of this. I’ll let you go peacefully if you give me your half of the Prophecy and just leave.”
My mind reeled with what I had just been told. There had been others before me? They had all died? The Department had sent me out to fulfil the Prophecy of another person? They had sent me to my death. I felt sick. Nothing was turning out the way I had thought. All I wanted was an adventure, I didn’t want to die and see others die, to witness horror and madness and to feel this bone chilling fear.
I wasn’t cut out for this. Maybe I should walk away and leave these two to the Prophecy. What did I know about Prophecies anyways? I could walk away and forget about Fairfax and my promise to help Sandman and the green eyed man. Could I forget about Constance, though? The village of porcelain people that these two had burnt to the ground so carelessly?
“Why did you have to kill them? Why did you have to burn the forest down?”
The pink eyed girl began looking impatient. “Firstly, we didn’t burn down the forest. I have no idea who burnt down the forest and, frankly, I don’t care. Secondly, We had to punish the villagers for interfering with Our goal. Now, are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way, girl, it’s your choice?”
Whatever drove my actions next was either bravery or stupidity, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. I took the knife from my pocket and pointed it at the girl. I realized how incredibly pathetic it seemed but I was proud of myself. I couldn’t have held my head up if I had just walked away from all this. I owed it to the villagers, to Constance who had taken me in during my time of need.
The girl raised her eyebrow and we both jumped in surprise as my little blade burst into flame. I nearly dropped the knife until it occurred to me that this was the work of the Elemental. I silently thanked Fairfax and held the blade out with more confidence, hoping that it would at least make them think twice about attacking me.
The boy looked almost disappointed in me, the girl simply looked pleased.
“So that’s how it’s going to be, eh?”
“I can’t let you get away with this. They were good people, I knew them, and they didn’t deserve to die.” I said, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes as I remembered all the faces that had been lost in the fire. How horrible must it have been for all those people – men, women and children – to die that way? It made my stomach curl and all I wanted to do was carve those smug twins open like a pair of Christmas turkeys.
The girl laughed and a chill went up my spine. “You know, the one thing I could never catch onto in this world was the magic. Everywhere I look I see magic, spells, enchantments, curses. It takes so much energy to do a simple spell; I’ve never been very good at magic but why would I go through all that trouble when a bullet between the eyes works just as well?”
I saw the glint of steel not a moment too soon and ran as a bullet tore through the air where I had been standing not a moment before. Of all the things in this world I thought I might encounter in this world a gun had not been one of them. I had never been shot at before and as adrenaline flooded my body I made for the woods, zig zagging as best I could to avoid being shot.
“Stay still,” I heard the girl roar behind me as if she honestly expected me to obey.
I honestly expected to die. What a strange feeling that is, the fear of those who know they are prey and expect their life to end at any moment. It was a mind numbing emotion. Every muscle in my body was strung tight and my senses heightened as I passed into the skeleton forest. I head the girl swearing loudly behind me as the trees, bare though they were, blocked her from a clean shot. They ran after me – I ran faster.