alvin123
April 23rd, 2008, 02:07 PM
Hello, I just wanted to introduce myself;
I am going to be the author of a book series called the : Duo of destiny and another called Sleeping With Death.
I'm not just going to post, but i'm also going to review others and critque.
i don't critique to offend or anything
So pleased to meet this entire forum,
Alvin123,
here's chapter one: 1, 810 words
please comment
DUO OF DESTINY book1: wind and water makers born.
BY Alvin Atwater
CHAPTER ONE____________________________
I stood outside just to let the wind blow me into comfort. I loved the wind. I loved it more than video games or watching TV. I would stand outside during a storm just to feel the wind blow against me.
“Jake,” Mom called out the kitchen window, “you better get going or you’re going to be late for your martial art class. You know Mr. Folly is a very impatient man.”
“Alright,” I responded and then darted into the house and into the kitchen. “Mom, where did you put the car keys?”
“On top of the fridge,” she answered. I snatched the keys and dashed out to the car.
When I arrived at the dojo, Mr. Folly was standing by the door and talking to one of my classmates. I parked the car and walked through the doorway.
Inside, there was a large mat in the center of the main room. Even though most of us were sixteen-year-olds, Mr. Folly still made us sit on the mat like a bunch of children.
I took a seat on the mat and pulled out my cell phone. Good thing class hadn’t started yet or Mr. Folly would probably take it and smash it against the wall. A text message from my best friend, Lina, appeared on the screen. It read “Jake, I’m at the beach. Swing by whenever your class is over.”
It was typical that Lina would be at the beach. She loved the water. Sometimes I would think that Lina was secretly a mermaid because of the way she drunk water.
I typed a message back, letting her know I would be there and then shoved my phone back into my pocket. The rest of my classmates finally showed up and took a seat in their assigned areas. Mr. Folly walked in front of the room and stood behind his desk. He tapped the marker board –his favorite trick for getting our attention– and then glared at us. He was definitely a grumpy Chinese man who knew his martial arts. He had grey hair and a goatee, which made his appearance a little ancient. He wore an ancient Chinese robe –which he told us his ancestors wore– and a shiny ruby necklace that had the shape of a “v.”
“Class,” he spoke loudly, “I tell you story.” His voice became deeper. He repeated words rhythmically as though he said them many times before. He then told us a story about how he ran into an old friend in which they had a Kung Fu match. “He gave me fight of lifetime. We stood in open area to make sure no one was in way. I started with first strike and strike more times, but Chester was wise. He came back with more speed and knocked me to ground. But I was not done. I charge to him and dodged every blow he sent to me and then finish him with dragon kick.”
“That’s cool,” a boy named Tony said, “You have already taught us the dragon kick, so when are you going to teach us the upgrade –the super.”
“I teach you that when time right,” Mr. Folly answered, “Right now, time no right. Now line up.”
He pulled up a silver bucket, which was filled with small blocks of wood with our names marked on them. He shook it roughly and drew out the first name. It was mine. He waved everyone off the mat and drew out another name. This time it was Max.
“Awe come on,” I said, “why do I have to fight Max? Can’t I fight somebody who doesn’t suck?”
“You two spar,” Mr. Folly said. “Use any martial art your choice.”
I hated fighting Max. He bored me.
I took my usual stance. Max looked like he didn’t have a clue where he was at, but finally –after Mr. Folly glared at him –he took on a weak stance. I studied him. I knew I could attack him from all directions. Pathetic ole Max left himself open precisely everywhere. As soon as Mr. Folly signaled for us to begin the fight, I charged toward Max. He attempted to punch me, but I easily dodged it and knocked him down with a kick. Mr. Folly quickly signaled for the fight to pause and snatched Max up by his collar.
“You disappoint me,” he growled, “the one day I let you wear no gi, you still no good. GO RUN LAPS! FIFTY.”
Max spent most of his time running laps instead of fighting, so he was used to the scolding. Mr. Folly turned his attention to me and said, “Good work, you may leave.”
This was the second time Mr. Folly ever let me leave, from three years apart. He usually made me finish all of the lessons first like everyone else, before I could leave. I was one of the best in my class whether I fought against efficient opponents or Max, I always did my best.
I started out the door and towards my car. When I reached my car door I happened to glanced back at the building and immediately spotted something on top of the roof. There was a man with long dreads and wearing a white cloak, standing proudly and looking dead at me. I turned to my car with a thought of quickly leaving then turned back around. No one was there.
–––––––––––
I arrived at the beach ten minutes later shrugging off the thought of the figure that stood upon the roof. As soon as I stepped on the sandy shore, I caught sight of Lina swimming in the water. She was a brown-haired girl who kept in shape from swimming so often. She was full of energy and could swim for a long time without stopping. Lina had a friendly personality. She often had tons of friends asking her to company them. Sometimes I would think she was born on a talk show the way she would help her friends out with their problems.
I shouted her name to let her know that I arrived. She quickly swam in my direction and got out of the water. The beach was a long sandy shoreline with many tourists and annoying crabs that will pinch you. The water wasn’t all that clear, but was good enough to swim in.
“What’s up,” I greeted.
“Enjoying the beach,” she laughed. “Folly let you leave early again?”
“Yeah,” I replied, “And Max had to run laps again.”
“Why is he there?”
“Probably just to get away from his mom,” I joked. Lina giggled.
“Don’t pick on his mom. Just because she eats a bit m–
She was interrupted by a huge splash of water. “Anyway,” she continued, “I want to talk about a dream I had last night.”
“How did it go?”
“I was sitting on a raft with your mom. The raft sailed a river that never ended. Your mom’s appearance was different too. She had white hair and red eyes. She told me that I would be meeting some guy named Kian. His appearance will start our destinies.”
“Whoa,” I said. “That’s weird. What do you think about that dream?”
“I think it’s a message,” she answered.
“I do too,” I said. “Just as I was leaving the dojo, I saw someone standing on top of the roof, looking at me. Then I turned around for a second, looked back and he was gone.”
“Really? What did he look like?”
Just before I had the chance to say anything else my cell phone sounded off. I took it out of my pocket and pressed “send.”
“Hello.”
“Hi, is this Jake Stivers?” a women’s voice said.
“Yes, this is him,” I answered.
“Well you have been invited to go to Merivon Stadium,”
“Why would I go there?” I challenged, “That place has been shut down three years ago.”
“Just go,” she said, “there will be a five hundred thousand dollar prize.”
“For what?”
“You’ll see,” she replied then hung up in my face leaving me to think about the offer.
“Who was that?” Lina asked.
“Some lady,” I answered, “She wants me to go to Merivon Stadium which had been shut down three years ago.”
“I would think about that before going,” Lina said, “and how did she get your number?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
“Anyway, why didn’t you bring your trunks so you can swim with me?”
“I got some in the car, be right back.”
I hurried back to my car and scavenged the back seat until I found my swim trunks. Then I went into a nearby locker room, paid for a locker, then changed into my trunks.
When I rejoined Lina, she had just got out of the water.
She grabbed my hand and said, “Come on, let’s go swim in the area nobody’s at.”
“Where is that?”
“You’ll see.” She led me through the sandy shoreline and into a rocky cave. The cave was moist and with every step, I could feel a soft rock crunch beneath me. I stopped and glanced around the cave and its stalagmites.
“Come on, we’re not there yet,” Lina said. She continued to lead me throughout the cave until we found an exit. When we stepped out of the cave, we found ourselves on a rocky shore. The water so clear, that I could actually see it sparkle. There were a few seagulls flying over this area, but other than that, nothing else. No people, no annoying crabs, nothing. This placed looked like it could have a rainbow above it.
“How did you find this place?” I asked.
“Oh you know me; exploring and all,” she answered.
“Well, come on, lets swim,” I said then charged into the water. Lina and I hung out and swam around the rocky shoreline for nearly two hours. We kept through common conversation and discussion of plans. It was like a swim resort with no loud tourist and pollution.
“Be right back,” Lina said as she stepped out of the water, “I’ve got something to show you.” I watched as Lina jogged toward the end of the shoreline than vanished as she got farther and farther. It was a shame that I actually didn’t take the time to see how long the rocky shore was.
As I relaxed in the water, I constantly felt myself being pulled farther and farther from the shore. I would occasionally have to swim back into the shallow water because of how far I was from the shore. All of a sudden, I felt myself being wildly sucked from the shallow water and towards the deep. I tried to swim back towards the shore, but the current was much too strong. I was a goner.
I am going to be the author of a book series called the : Duo of destiny and another called Sleeping With Death.
I'm not just going to post, but i'm also going to review others and critque.
i don't critique to offend or anything
So pleased to meet this entire forum,
Alvin123,
here's chapter one: 1, 810 words
please comment
DUO OF DESTINY book1: wind and water makers born.
BY Alvin Atwater
CHAPTER ONE____________________________
I stood outside just to let the wind blow me into comfort. I loved the wind. I loved it more than video games or watching TV. I would stand outside during a storm just to feel the wind blow against me.
“Jake,” Mom called out the kitchen window, “you better get going or you’re going to be late for your martial art class. You know Mr. Folly is a very impatient man.”
“Alright,” I responded and then darted into the house and into the kitchen. “Mom, where did you put the car keys?”
“On top of the fridge,” she answered. I snatched the keys and dashed out to the car.
When I arrived at the dojo, Mr. Folly was standing by the door and talking to one of my classmates. I parked the car and walked through the doorway.
Inside, there was a large mat in the center of the main room. Even though most of us were sixteen-year-olds, Mr. Folly still made us sit on the mat like a bunch of children.
I took a seat on the mat and pulled out my cell phone. Good thing class hadn’t started yet or Mr. Folly would probably take it and smash it against the wall. A text message from my best friend, Lina, appeared on the screen. It read “Jake, I’m at the beach. Swing by whenever your class is over.”
It was typical that Lina would be at the beach. She loved the water. Sometimes I would think that Lina was secretly a mermaid because of the way she drunk water.
I typed a message back, letting her know I would be there and then shoved my phone back into my pocket. The rest of my classmates finally showed up and took a seat in their assigned areas. Mr. Folly walked in front of the room and stood behind his desk. He tapped the marker board –his favorite trick for getting our attention– and then glared at us. He was definitely a grumpy Chinese man who knew his martial arts. He had grey hair and a goatee, which made his appearance a little ancient. He wore an ancient Chinese robe –which he told us his ancestors wore– and a shiny ruby necklace that had the shape of a “v.”
“Class,” he spoke loudly, “I tell you story.” His voice became deeper. He repeated words rhythmically as though he said them many times before. He then told us a story about how he ran into an old friend in which they had a Kung Fu match. “He gave me fight of lifetime. We stood in open area to make sure no one was in way. I started with first strike and strike more times, but Chester was wise. He came back with more speed and knocked me to ground. But I was not done. I charge to him and dodged every blow he sent to me and then finish him with dragon kick.”
“That’s cool,” a boy named Tony said, “You have already taught us the dragon kick, so when are you going to teach us the upgrade –the super.”
“I teach you that when time right,” Mr. Folly answered, “Right now, time no right. Now line up.”
He pulled up a silver bucket, which was filled with small blocks of wood with our names marked on them. He shook it roughly and drew out the first name. It was mine. He waved everyone off the mat and drew out another name. This time it was Max.
“Awe come on,” I said, “why do I have to fight Max? Can’t I fight somebody who doesn’t suck?”
“You two spar,” Mr. Folly said. “Use any martial art your choice.”
I hated fighting Max. He bored me.
I took my usual stance. Max looked like he didn’t have a clue where he was at, but finally –after Mr. Folly glared at him –he took on a weak stance. I studied him. I knew I could attack him from all directions. Pathetic ole Max left himself open precisely everywhere. As soon as Mr. Folly signaled for us to begin the fight, I charged toward Max. He attempted to punch me, but I easily dodged it and knocked him down with a kick. Mr. Folly quickly signaled for the fight to pause and snatched Max up by his collar.
“You disappoint me,” he growled, “the one day I let you wear no gi, you still no good. GO RUN LAPS! FIFTY.”
Max spent most of his time running laps instead of fighting, so he was used to the scolding. Mr. Folly turned his attention to me and said, “Good work, you may leave.”
This was the second time Mr. Folly ever let me leave, from three years apart. He usually made me finish all of the lessons first like everyone else, before I could leave. I was one of the best in my class whether I fought against efficient opponents or Max, I always did my best.
I started out the door and towards my car. When I reached my car door I happened to glanced back at the building and immediately spotted something on top of the roof. There was a man with long dreads and wearing a white cloak, standing proudly and looking dead at me. I turned to my car with a thought of quickly leaving then turned back around. No one was there.
–––––––––––
I arrived at the beach ten minutes later shrugging off the thought of the figure that stood upon the roof. As soon as I stepped on the sandy shore, I caught sight of Lina swimming in the water. She was a brown-haired girl who kept in shape from swimming so often. She was full of energy and could swim for a long time without stopping. Lina had a friendly personality. She often had tons of friends asking her to company them. Sometimes I would think she was born on a talk show the way she would help her friends out with their problems.
I shouted her name to let her know that I arrived. She quickly swam in my direction and got out of the water. The beach was a long sandy shoreline with many tourists and annoying crabs that will pinch you. The water wasn’t all that clear, but was good enough to swim in.
“What’s up,” I greeted.
“Enjoying the beach,” she laughed. “Folly let you leave early again?”
“Yeah,” I replied, “And Max had to run laps again.”
“Why is he there?”
“Probably just to get away from his mom,” I joked. Lina giggled.
“Don’t pick on his mom. Just because she eats a bit m–
She was interrupted by a huge splash of water. “Anyway,” she continued, “I want to talk about a dream I had last night.”
“How did it go?”
“I was sitting on a raft with your mom. The raft sailed a river that never ended. Your mom’s appearance was different too. She had white hair and red eyes. She told me that I would be meeting some guy named Kian. His appearance will start our destinies.”
“Whoa,” I said. “That’s weird. What do you think about that dream?”
“I think it’s a message,” she answered.
“I do too,” I said. “Just as I was leaving the dojo, I saw someone standing on top of the roof, looking at me. Then I turned around for a second, looked back and he was gone.”
“Really? What did he look like?”
Just before I had the chance to say anything else my cell phone sounded off. I took it out of my pocket and pressed “send.”
“Hello.”
“Hi, is this Jake Stivers?” a women’s voice said.
“Yes, this is him,” I answered.
“Well you have been invited to go to Merivon Stadium,”
“Why would I go there?” I challenged, “That place has been shut down three years ago.”
“Just go,” she said, “there will be a five hundred thousand dollar prize.”
“For what?”
“You’ll see,” she replied then hung up in my face leaving me to think about the offer.
“Who was that?” Lina asked.
“Some lady,” I answered, “She wants me to go to Merivon Stadium which had been shut down three years ago.”
“I would think about that before going,” Lina said, “and how did she get your number?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
“Anyway, why didn’t you bring your trunks so you can swim with me?”
“I got some in the car, be right back.”
I hurried back to my car and scavenged the back seat until I found my swim trunks. Then I went into a nearby locker room, paid for a locker, then changed into my trunks.
When I rejoined Lina, she had just got out of the water.
She grabbed my hand and said, “Come on, let’s go swim in the area nobody’s at.”
“Where is that?”
“You’ll see.” She led me through the sandy shoreline and into a rocky cave. The cave was moist and with every step, I could feel a soft rock crunch beneath me. I stopped and glanced around the cave and its stalagmites.
“Come on, we’re not there yet,” Lina said. She continued to lead me throughout the cave until we found an exit. When we stepped out of the cave, we found ourselves on a rocky shore. The water so clear, that I could actually see it sparkle. There were a few seagulls flying over this area, but other than that, nothing else. No people, no annoying crabs, nothing. This placed looked like it could have a rainbow above it.
“How did you find this place?” I asked.
“Oh you know me; exploring and all,” she answered.
“Well, come on, lets swim,” I said then charged into the water. Lina and I hung out and swam around the rocky shoreline for nearly two hours. We kept through common conversation and discussion of plans. It was like a swim resort with no loud tourist and pollution.
“Be right back,” Lina said as she stepped out of the water, “I’ve got something to show you.” I watched as Lina jogged toward the end of the shoreline than vanished as she got farther and farther. It was a shame that I actually didn’t take the time to see how long the rocky shore was.
As I relaxed in the water, I constantly felt myself being pulled farther and farther from the shore. I would occasionally have to swim back into the shallow water because of how far I was from the shore. All of a sudden, I felt myself being wildly sucked from the shallow water and towards the deep. I tried to swim back towards the shore, but the current was much too strong. I was a goner.