[Achillespj]

Hi,

My name is Patrick and I'm new to the board. I've been writing for a while now and have just started on a novella.

I will post some of my previous works in the upcoming weeks if you all become interested.

This is somewhat my introduction, still a major work in progress. I just wanted a few thoughts on this if at all possible.

Basically, where I cut the story off, the next couple pages consist of a large twist. You don't exactly realize who the main character is.

Again, please feel free to leave feed back, positive or negative, it'll only help.

Thanks again and I look forward to meeting you. (Keep in mind, there may be some typos, etc... I haven't edited it at all yet.

_____

It was dark now. The blistering summer sun had set allowing a brisk coolness to invade Brooklyn. Lying there, I stare up at the dirty brown ceiling fan rotate on max speed. An annoying click would sound each revolution as the pull switch swayed in its wind.

I wasn’t tired, more exhausted than anything, but from what? I didn’t do anything all day. I can’t even remember if I got out of bed other than to do a few lines on the broken mirror atop my rotted coffee table.

My dirty white shirt feels like it’s painted on. I can feel a large sweat ring around the neck hole, which to me, is the most disgusting feeling next to wet socks.

All my joints made a popping noise as I exhaled while stretching. Tussling in bed, some old ding dong wrappers got stuck on my arm that I grossly peeled off.
I hated getting out of bed. But I need my fix.

I sleepily walked into the bathroom in my one bedroom shithole. I needed to relieve myself before anything, half missing the toilet while doing so. Whatever, it’ll dry. I clicked the light switch attached to the mirror flooding the room with the flickering bulb.

Staring back at me in the diagonally cracked mirror; was a man with droopy reddened eyes and a five o’clock shadow.

My long greasy blonde hair was slightly knotted aside from the two braids that rest upon my shoulders. Exposing my teeth, I thought it was a miracle they were still off-white and not completely orange after all the crap I take in.

I pulled my shirt stained with “cup of noodles” broth over my head messing my hair up even more than it already was.

I tossed it to the ground and rested the palms of my hand on the sink. Wiping the powder from around my nose I coughed a few times. What the hell have I become?

As I leaned back, I could see how toned I still was from when I used to work out excessively. I wasn’t a huge guy, about six feet, but my physique was relatively cut.

It shamed me that I saw my reflection in disgust. But I did this all to myself. I threw away most of my friends, the few family members I have disowned me, and I wouldn’t blame my girlfriend if she started to sleep around.

I sharply turned my head as an ear-splitting knock battered the door.

I took my time making my way to the entrance, stepping over upside down shoes and kicking empty beer cans out of the way.

“Viggo! Open up, I know your ass is in there!”

The room was still spinning a little bit. I probably haven’t gotten over my high yet.

“Vee-Go! Open the damn door!”

“Okay, hold on!”

I thought to myself how annoyed I got hearing that voice yelling at me all the time. But what the hell would I do without hearing it? It seemed to be the only guide I had in life.

“Who is it?” I joked

I could hear her tongue click against her teeth before she was about to shout.

But I didn’t want to hear that ****, so I just opened it up.

The look in her eyes was the same way I felt. Disgusted.

“God damn, what the **** is wrong with….” she interrupted herself by pinching her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “Get your ass to a shower real fast, my God.”

I stared at her with a blank face. If I gave her a reaction, it would just stir her up, which I didn’t need.

Leaning in for a kiss she straight armed me, ducking out of the way. “Ugh, brush your teeth too.” she said.

Why do I need this ****? Every time she gets on my case I want to explode, but I just bottle it up, I love her too much…

“Why do you come here if you’re just going to berate me?” I asked.

“Berate you? Hon, I’m just tellin’ you how it is.” she rudely responded which angered me even more.

Rolling my eyes at her, I moped to the other side of the room, dragging my feet to irritate her. I loved to get under her skin, so it’s really no surprise she gets so angry sometimes.

She turned on the floor lamp and threw her small black purse on the fold-out bed. Shaking her head, she turned holding a rolled up twenty dollar bill. I could swear, she had steam pumping out of her ears.

She was so beautiful, especially when she was angry.
Jenny was petit, about a foot shorter than I was. She had all the right curves to turn on a man, not to mention the face of an A-List actress.

Her dark hair was tied back into a pony tail held by a light pink scrunchie complementing her pouty lips. I sized her up as I normally do, envying how a person can remain so well kept. Her skin tone was the complete opposite of mine. I’ve got that pale, Northern European tone, while she’s pigmented with the caramel shade from her Latin American heritage.

I already knew why she was mad. She’s been threatening to end us if I continued my habits, but it was a necessity now.

As I kept a stoic face, she met my glace unflinchingly. “What the **** Vig. What did I tell you?” she rhetorically asked.

Throwing the bill at me, she picked up her purse and proceeded to open the door but was stopped.

I held the door closed with the palm of my hand, keeping her here. She couldn’t leave, not like this.

“Let me go asshole!” she demanded.

I released my hand firmly, but only to wrap them around her, sweeping her off her feet.

“Let me down, I’m serious!” she screamed.

I smiled at her and carried her over to the bed, bouncing her on top of it.

“What’s your problem?” she asked.

“Babe, I’m sorry. How many times can I tell you?” I asked.

“That’s exactly it! I’m sick of hearing your damn apologies or “I needed it” excuses. You had so much going for you, and you have so much potential. There’s nobody like you… But you’re a moron and want to throw it all away!”

I took a deep breath and sincerely stated I would try.

Tears began to roll down her cheeks as her lower lip quivered. “No more lies.” she said.

All her emotions danced in her eyes. Sadness, anger, forgiveness, pity, but the one I needed, love, stood out the most. She loved me very much, as I did her.

I wasn’t doing her right. I really wasn’t and it killed me inside.

“Please stop doing that junk. I can still see the blue in your eyes that I fell in love with. But all the clouds and redness are destroying you.” she croaked out.

“I’ll try, I really will.” I said.

Cradling her in my arms as her tears dried up, I inspected the floor for the twenty dollar bill. I really needed some rock right now.

What am I saying? I’ve gotta’ be strong for her. Treat her nice.

“Hey baby, you want to go out to dinner?”

She nodded and looked up in my eyes. “Take a shower first!” she laughed.

[Parylin]

I like how the character develops in the scene - self-loathing, needing, teasing, loving. Very interesting perspective.
I have to admit I'm not a fan of 1st person narrative though, unless it is done sparringly. That being said, the very first few paragraphs feel like there were too many 'I's referenced. Maybe just vary the sentence structure a bit?
And there were a couple of places where the tense wasn't consistent, again in the beginning.

I liked the dialogue and the parts where he is thinking one thing but saying another. Clever insight.

Hope that helped.

[JHerzog01]

did you want any grammatical criticism? I agree with Parylin, you seem to keep mixing up your past present tense quite a bit. Other than that it's pretty darn good

[Achillespj]

any criticism is always welcome. I completely understand the tense issue. I've only read it over one time so there are tons of issues I'll have to take care of. I also appreciate your complements on it as well.

Using too many I's is also an issue I have to work around as well. However, just getting creative with how he speaks, being a first person, there is plenty of room for improvement.

Thanks again so far.

[kmtolan]

I took a few tries at this, in an attempt to put it into a familiar context. Reads like straight fiction which is not my area of expertese. If this is SF or Fantasy, that might be an issue. Finally, I'm not great with First Person POV either (grin). So, I'll stay at a reasonably high altitude with this.

My first thought is that you have a lot of work cut out for you in hooking a reader. They're going to have to like anti-heroes, cause this fellow is a tough sell to identify with. This can work with a proper blurb on the novel to introduce the greater story. This is, for me, a "slow starter" kind of opening paragraph. It wouldn't draw me in standing on its own - not enough unique things happening to raise my interest above thinking this fellow is a serious loser. His situation is very much a cliche - exactly what I would expect from a drug user on the way down. Again, keep in mind I am leaning toward either SF or Fantasy here - give me something more than this worn reality (grin).

You got the self-loathing part down pat. Viggo hates himself, and for a list of good reasons. Nice job, but you pound this in mercilessly. Might want to back off just a bit, and remember that a lot of folks in this situation will rationalize much of their behavior as not being their fault - another avenue for you to explore.

Jenny suffers from drug-user-girlfriend cliche syndrome for me. She does what I expect - except that she is not consistant. With the amount of anger and drama being gushed out, I'd hardly expect her to laugh at the end.

Watch those grammar patterns. A lot of dialog falls into <dialog> <tag line> so you need to break that up me-thinks.

So, in summary, and for *me*, this opening doesn't really draw me into a story. I don't feel like I want to keep reading based on this alone, so you might want to see if others get that same reaction. Remember that you have only a scant few seconds to attract a reader's interest, so you need to make the most of it. Especially in the opening scene.

Kerry