[Juliet]

Hi,

I am currently holed up in a remote Scottish cottage for a fortnight with the intention of focusing on my novel (just under 20K words to date). But I seem to have trouble moving ahead with my writing (maybe I'm TOO isolated), and I thought it might help if I requested a critique from you kind folks here. :-) I've only just discovered this website, so do tell me if I make an sffworld.com faux pas at any point...

Anyway, the following is the short prologue for my novel (the first in a series, she says, ever hopeful). I think of my intended style as 'realistic fantasy' - it is of course set in another world, with features, geography, peoples etc. unique to that world, but I try to avoid what I think of as the 'epic' style as I think I just can't carry that off. What I hope to achieve instead is a more natural style. The prologue consists of three 'snippets' (because yes, I am aware that one should have a hook!). Any comments welcomed; I shall try not to be disheartened by any negative comments as I know I can only improve with the help of constructive criticism, and I know I have a very long way to go in terms of developing my writing.

Now read on, if you will...


Prologue

Q. How many strands make up a story, and how many make it unravel?

~

‘He is a murderer!’ one man roared. His fist restrained from crashing down on the table but his eyes flashed with conviction so that few doubted his words.
A second man shook his head. ‘We cannot know. We have no evidence, only circumstance and hearsay.’
‘There is no other possibility,’ a third declared. ‘And what there is – as we all know – is motive.’
‘The news shall be published and a trial set,’ announced the first decisively.
‘You cannot be serious,’ uttered the second. ‘Who will support such a thing?’
The first looked around, confident and challenging. ‘Virtually all of the council. And the people already whisper of what has happened.’
The second was silent. He knew the trial would not be fair, and that the outcome would be certain. There was only one thing to do.
I must warn the king so that he might flee.

~

Some of the greatest careers begin this way, the thief thought. Especially for the most talented.
The thief made his way through the darkened temple complex. He had prepared himself completely; he knew the floorplan better than that of the house where he had grown up. He had had time to study the detail on his quest here. When he thought of it, exultation almost made him utter aloud in self-satisfaction. Such a long journey! Such tribulations! And all to reach a place that most claimed existed only in legend!
But of course he wasn’t foolish enough to make a sound, not with these damn priests, with the ears of bats and eyes of owls. And he didn’t want to kill any of them – not that he was superstitious (though he would rely on the superstition of others, soon), but there was no sense in looking for trouble. And he wasn’t a murderer.
I’m not a murderer… yet.

~

The wind whistled through empty streets. Broken walls gathered leaves into their corners, and a torn red cloth fluttered from a thorny tree in the dead village square.
He sat in the village square, a man alone. Occasionally others hurried past, keeping close to the outer edges, eager to return to their refuge if they had found one or to seek one if they had not. Though what was the point now? The damage had been done, and so much.
An elderly man approached him, the only one wise enough to have fear no longer in this desolate place. He paused and looked at the younger, seated man.
‘I know what you will do,’ he said at length.
The other man looked up with bitter eyes and a set mouth. ‘Do you blame me?’
‘No. I honour you. And I wish I could shed their blood with you, but I am old, and you will achieve this alone, if anyone can.’
‘I will.’
The old man looked at him, concern darkening the tired eyes of experience. ‘But it will not bring you peace.’
‘Nothing will. And if I cannot have peace, then I will seek war.’
And I will find it.


Thank you for your time!

[benh]

Hey there!

I think your writing style is fine. I especially like your dialogue, which flows quite nicely, especially in that final excerpt.

Unfortunately, with what you've given us, I'm just not "hooked". I need to know about why. There's no reason for me to care otherwise. Who are these people?

I understand the idea that its a prologue... but even so. This reads more as a movie trailer and less as an introduction, which is what I understand a prologue to be...

Like I said, sweet writing style. I just... would rather read a first chapter. :)

Good luck!

Ben.

[Aneurin de Batz]

Looks interesting, and I can't see any trouble with it. However, there's not a great deal to go on for a critique here. If that's your whole prologue, then it would work as one - I want to see some more, just to find out what's going on. However, as a prologue I would like to see a little more here - as benh said, it is reading like a film trailer, rather than an introduction to a book.

If you're looking for an in-depth critique, I suggest putting the whole of a chapter up, or at least a more lengthy section of your story if you don't feel comfortable putting a whole chapter up here.

[Juliet]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your comments, benh and Aneurin. Okay, I admit, I was feeling quite scared about revealing any of my novel-in-progress for the first time, which is why just the very short prologue (well, unless I can find a better word for what it is) went up.

I’m glad you thought the dialogue was okay; in my work as a freelance copy-editor I’ve seen so many MSS with dialogue followed every single damn time by ‘he said [adverb] she said [adverb]’ (repeat ad infinitum) that I’ve learned to sharpen up and try to think in real-time more often (i.e. short back-and-forth). My point being that I do try to learn!

I definitely see your agreed point about the Film Trailer Effect – I guess I was trying to make it lively and intriguing without bogging the readers down in background. But maybe I can still add a little more to find a happy medium.

Before I wrote the above, my story opened directly with the following chapter. I’m not entirely happy with it for various reasons (you might have additional reasons!), number one of which was that I thought it didn’t have enough punch. Hence the ‘prologue’. Though on the other hand, for all that I know people are always encouraging each other to start with a hook, something startling, etc., wouldn’t it be kind of exhausting if every single book you ever read started that way? Just a thought…

Anyway, I’d be really grateful to hear what you think of the following. One note: I'm sure you'll spot the occasional my-world-specific terminology. At the moment I'm planning to explain such terms in chapters soon after, rather than doing so in any cumbersome way here, since the story's only just beginning. But you may have your own opinions and comments about how to deal with such niceties. :-)


1. Tempest

Q. How can one falling tree shake an empire?

Second Autumn, 627

Second Autumn was always a season of terrible storms and a time when no sensible person would risk travelling. But of all the storms in living memory for Talethia’s citizens in late 627, the Great Storm was the only one that made all fear for life and land.

Thousands upon thousands of trees were felled by the savage elements; forests were decimated. People went to ground in their homes but even homes were not safe; timbers were battered in and rocks and stones, once walls, were scattered over the land. The winds fought viciously with each other outside tremulous window panes; sooner or later the glass would break and nature would invite itself in. Those out on the seas suffered likewise if not more; ships were driven on to the coastline or sunk by colossal waves.

When all the tumult finally packed its bags and headed for other lands, and the winds hobbled northwards, worn out by their vigour, surprisingly only a few dozen people had died as a result. Yet a great many lives were splintered by the ferocious destruction of the Storm, and it was weeks for some and months for others before normal life could be remembered and refound. At the time, in the midst of the hurricane winds and pelting rain, normal life felt very distant.

And at the time, the wind and the rain spiralled around a bent woman struggling across the landscape, not far from the country’s capital. As already observed, no sensible person would risk travelling at such a time, but Corussa was determined to reach Talethiata. Her men she had advised to stay put in Westholm Lodge, a resilient hostelry half a naran back, a couple of days ago. She knew not whether it was still standing, but it had seemed the best course of action at the time, and none of them had pressed to accompany Corussa.

She had had a horse, but the evening before when she had made camp (if slinging her pack into a hill’s curved side and huddling under her greatcoat could be called camp), one of the multitude of trees that were to fall during the three days of the Storm had crashed down a couple of corspans from her mount, who had promptly torn free and bolted. So a foot soldier she was for the time being. Perhaps it was for the best anyway; she had to feel uncertainly for the ground before her – who knew if a horse would be more footsure in the wind and the rain? A shame though; it had had decent breeding, she sighed to herself.

The moorlands that Corussa made her way across were tussocky and inconsistent going for the most part, but they were familiar to her, for which she was thankful. The black sun looked near to passing and the silver sun ready to take its place – for all the good that it would do; storm clouds swathed the sky and the day to come would probably be almost as black as the night before it.

There seemed to be no part of her clothing left which had not been soaked by the rain, and the wind tried to freeze them damply to her. Corussa’s hands felt stiff and unfamiliar from the cold, and the pack which she carried – she would have liked a horse for that, if nothing else – felt three times heavier than when she had hoisted it on to her shoulders a good two and a half sunquarters since. She would have to stop and break again soon, for flesh and bone clamoured that their limits were in sight, but Corussa was determined to reach the near crest of the sloping moorland. It was of no consequence on a night like this, but during the day – a fair day, perhaps at the height of the golden sun – one could see the distant spires of the citadel, high above the walls of Talethiata, the kingdom on a mount. Just the remembrance, once standing there, should spur her on; and then it could only be two or three more days’ journey, by which time Corussa heartily hoped that this raging storm would have subsided.

She could not know that it was to continue for another two days. And so fixed were her thoughts on her beloved Talethia that she did not heed the lone, gaunt tree that creaked above her.

[Aneurin de Batz]

I like it. This is, to me, looking very promising.

I thought it didn’t have enough punch. Hence the ‘prologue’.

It doesn't have quite enough for a hook, but it could have enough punch. You just need to make the language a little less informal.

definitely see your agreed point about the Film Trailer Effect – I guess I was trying to make it lively and intriguing without bogging the readers down in background. But maybe I can still add a little more to find a happy medium.

I didn't mean there was anything wrong with it, particularly. It's just what it felt like. Personally, I'd prefer it to read a little more like a book, but I don't have any problem with it as it is.


Your descriptions are quite good, but a few things don't sound right.

the Great Storm was the only one that made all fear for life and land.


What is it you actually want that to imply? At the moment I'm not sure of what inflection that has. It's probably the "land" doing it, because it makes the fear seem less pressing and personal, and more greed-motivated, if you see what I mean.

When all the tumult finally packed its bags and headed for other lands, and the winds hobbled northwards, worn out by their vigour, surprisingly only a few dozen people had died as a result.

It feels like you can't quite make your mind up about the tone you want from this sentence. "Packed up its bags" is quite a casual phrase, then you say "worn out by their vigour" which is of a more serious tone. After that, it feels like you're making light of the people who died due to the preceding phrases. Maybe having "surprisingly only a few dozen people had died as a result" as a seperate sentence could cure that?

Anyway, this is shaping up nicely - feel free to let me know what it's going to be called if you try and publish it ;)

[kmtolan]

Hi, Juliet.

I read through this thread - seems like you have yourself a neat project going. I noted your reluctance to post too much on this board. I would suggest that you post no more than your first chapter. That is all these fine folks need to get you started, and I always post the first chapter of my work up for everyone to see on my site anyway. No more than that, however. You are, after all, offering a product for sale in the future, yes?

I read through what you provided - that prologue isn't going to fly, sorry to say. Worse still, it would probably kill your chances with an editor as it is not a cohesive scene as others pointed out. My advice would be to drop it.

Now, on to your first chapter. As pointed out, it lacks a good hook, but that is simply one of the symptoms of a greater challenge for you - telling vs showing. You have sat your reader on a stool and started narrating the story to them. They don't get to be part of it. You need to stick them into the story - and it's not that hard.

"No!" Corussa screamed, her voice lost in a fury of wind. Leaping away from a falling tree, she could only watch as her horse, now free from its teather, bolted into the night. Wiping driving rain from her dark eyes, Corussa winced as a flash of lightning delivered a final glimpse of the animal before it vanished. So much for all that good breeding! she spat inwardly.

That is called "showing" - and also gives you a sharper hook than narration ever can. There are times for narrative entry, but when starting a novel you really want to get the reader engaged - and you have only moments to mange this. Instead of telling us of the storm that robbed Corussa of her horse, you can show it as above and also deal with the danger such a storm poses to your main character - a great canvas against which you can paint your initial back fill...in moderation. Never try and explain too much up front because it kills the pacing.

Good luck with this!

Kerry

[Juliet]

Hi,

Thanks for the further comments, and for the encouragement!

Aneurin:

It’s a useful point about the informal language – that may turn out to be an interesting balance for me to attempt because, as aforementioned, I aim to steer clear of any high-falutin’ stuff.

‘The Great Storm was the only one that made all fear for life and land’ was a quick way of saying they feared for their lives at the time of the storm, but also weren’t too chirpy about what the destruction would do to their fields, harvests, etc. – ‘life and livelihood’ maybe.

‘ "Packed up its bags" is quite a casual phrase, then you say "worn out by their vigour" which is of a more serious tone. After that, it feels like you're making light of the people who died due to the preceding phrases. Maybe having "surprisingly only a few dozen people had died as a result" as a separate sentence could cure that?’

That’s something that simply hadn’t occurred to me, so that was useful to know. Splitting the sentence into two certainly seems a sensible option.

And if ‘Stranger at the Gates’ (the first book – for the overall series I am currently using ‘Peaks of the Empire’ as a working title) should by any miracle publish, I’ll make sure you’re notified. ;) The second title is currently ‘Beyond the Black Mountain’ – a title which I inexplicably LOVE – and the third, ‘The Conqueror’s Gift’. And then the series will continue till I reach about a dozen, and I’ll become rich and famous and… OK, I shall get back to reality now. I know as well as most how very remote the chances are of all that, don’t worry!

Kerry:

Thanks for the note about posting MS content.

The prologue – I’m gradually conceding that it’s not really achieving my aim. Which was, among other things, to provide three tantalising snapshots of important characters in the forthcoming story, and to indicate that there will be plenty of action to come. N.B. the ‘snapshots’ style is why you would not have found it cohesive – it’s not meant to be in any way! ;)

I acknowledge, in general, your point about telling vs showing, but it still seems a difficult issue to me. If I sound argumentative in the following paragraph, please disregard…

You use Corussa losing her horse as an example of showing rather than telling. To do that I would have to switch back tense/time to 24 hours before, for one short paragraph. And if I were to do that, I might need to consider whether I would switch back tense/time to a few days before that, to show Corussa speaking to her men at the lodge, or whether I would I switch for describing the storm, to show individuals’ reactions to the storm as houses collapsed. For the first, it was just a way of precluding readers from saying ‘well, why isn’t the stupid woman on a horse, if she wants to get home so fast?’ My point is that if I try diligently to tick the showing vs telling box, things could snowball and it could become difficult ever to narrate something directly or to identify specifically people’s behaviour (e.g. always having to describe that the hairs on the back of their neck stood on end and their eyes widened, rather than ever simply saying ‘they were afraid’). Sometimes a person is just afraid, or sometimes you do just say to your readers ‘this is briefly what had happened the day before’ so that they can focus on the present situation (even when starting a novel).

Well, those are my thoughts, anyway. But pacing is very likely an issue for me and one which I will keep trying to work on! So thanks so much for your comments. :)

[benh]

Hey there Juliet.

I like your style, I really do. Very much your descriptions. You have a very focused writing style, which, in comparison to my own, well, I'm jealous let's just say.

The opening didn't grab me I have to admit, but I think that's really more to do with what I find interesting, rather than your story.

Kerry and I have disagreed before on the aspect of showing vs telling. While we both agree that one is better than the other (showing), we disagree on how to best display it.

To me, showing is never cramming the emotions you'd like your audience to feel down their throats. That's telling. He felt sad. That sort of thing. A good SHOW is His horse ran from him., something along those lines.

Kerry is more in favour, and correct me if I'm wrong Kerry, of really showing, whereas I'm more in favour of the subtle show.

That's me at least. And, for me, I think you've done a fine job at just that.

That being said, Kerry is a great author and his opinion is just as valid as my own. So... Haha. I don't know.

I'd really like to see more though. A whole chapter.

[kmtolan]

Juliet,

As Benh points out, I tend to lean heavily into showing - but he is equally correct in pointing out that one doesn't have to get deep into it all of the time. Narration, or even a subtle "showing" has their place in the mix - much as an artist has an array of paint brushes to choose from.

I am not so concerned with when you start your story (the storm scene was purely for example), but that you start your story at a point of action. This demands a degree of showing. If the first impression a reader has of your story is that they're getting a long narrative, then for me that's not a good thing. I prefer to get the reader thigh-deep in the action - immediately. Suck them into the moment, and then start sprinkling in the background during the mix. Remember - you have only a minute or so (if even that) to attract a reader's interest before they move on to the next interesting book. Yes, you can hook with narrative, but it must be extremely powerful in order to accomplish that, and usually it requires an anchor in the reader's existing knowledge. Fiction, even Science Fiction, can achieve this, but Fantasy rarely finds a strong enough common ground to draw a reader in purely through presentation. You got to get them into the mix, so to speak.

I noticed you mentioning a "techinique" with that prologue. Some advice - "technique" is a brush best used by established writers. New writers take an awful risk being artistic. Myself, I stick to the basics, being the conservative fellow that I am (or less talented, perhaps...heh). Present a strong story, and leave the experimental stuff for later.

All this is one opinion, and I hardly have the market cornered on opinions (grin) so watch what others say and look for commonality.

Kerry

[Aneurin de Batz]

I’ll make sure you’re notified

Hurrah!

that prologue isn't going to fly, sorry to say

Sorry? Why ever not? I've read far worse, and there's nothing actually wrong with it. At worst the style's a little odd and wouldn't agree with some people, but it's purely aesthetic, which makes me curious about the characters - I've only seen them, and I've not been 'introduced', so to speak... If all else fails, it's interested me which means it can't have completely failed.