[Rachel13]

Ok, well i have been working on this story for a long time--the exact month count i'mnot sure--but, i really want it to either be published or reconized somewhere. Here is the overall outline:

It is about a sixteen year old girl named Lina, who is quiet, tame and unsure of who she really is. At the end of the school year she meets this handsome boy named Tony, who happens to be the most beautiful being she has ever seen. Through multiple less important conflicts they finally are able to get together. In Chapter 7: True Confessions of a Teenage Hearttrob, he reveals his big secret about being a demon from Hell, the son of the Devil actually. He explains his history and behavior throughout the book, the biggest threat being that demons(and angels inadvertantly) eat humans. So, as the book progresses, Lina meets another not so nice demon, his family, and almost meets her maker. At that point, its life or death for her when she is nearly destroyed by another demon from Hell, Tony struggling between hunger and love. Eventually he turns her into a demon and they escape into the woods at the end of part one.

In part two, Lina falls into a coma from the posion Tony injects to transform her into a demon, and when she awakens she is temprarly blind. In the week she was in a coma, a war has broken out in Hell between the loyal followers of the Dwayne family(current rulers, and Tony's family) and the Vancouvers(the other family looking to rule) which is led by Salem, who decides to spread his terror up onto Earth. And so, the Dwayne family must go into hiding because if they are found and killed Hell, and the world, will be destroyed. In hiding they meet a group called the E.B.A(Earth Bound Angels) also known as "guardian angels". For awhile they are allies with each other, until Lina goes into a spasm when the posion attempts to stop her heart(all angels and demons have no heartbeat). To calm her fiery muscles, they place her in the chilly freezer for a few moments(no longer than ten because demons can die freeze to death within a half hour). At that time, the E.B.A attack the Dwaynes and leave Lina in the freezer for almost too long. Through her progrees, she has grown extremely strong, even without being fully demon. Her transformation is complete in the freezer and she can see once more.
After a portion of fighting, the Dwaynes defeat them and return to their Earth home in the woods near the small hometown of Burlywood. The town is deserted because all of the demons have been killing off and capturing the humans. So, after a year of hiding out, watching the world fall to pieces and when it seems like the end, Salem(who has taken out the entire capitol of the U.S. and every other in the world) demands that the Dwaynes are turned in and so they go to fight the Vancouvers. Lina wins her battle with one brother, Blaine.
The climax is when she looks out onto the front yard and sees Salem and Tony fighting, Salem punching Tony in the chest(the other way to kill an angel or demon is to rip out their hearts) and tries to rip out his heart. Lina and Tony have their last words as Tony's siblings, Jay and Callie, taken him to safety, since he didn't die quite yet. Lina uses her fury to finish Salem and rip out his own heart.
And the ending beyond that is still uncertain...that's where i ask for some gudiance. If anyone has any ideas for endings please let me know.
It would really be appreciated. Thanks! :)

[JHerzog01]

A brilliant rip off of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Except of course where you changed the word Vampire to Demon. Seriously though, if you've only been working on this story for x amount of months I can almost promise you that it is no where near ready to be received by the public. Even the best authors take at least a year or more. How many drafts and full rewrites have you gone through? Have you gone through the entire finished piece, line by line and paragraph by paragraph? writing it is usually the easy part, it's the real work that comes afterwards.

[tdnewton]

My first thought was Twilight, as well, I'm afraid. Going to be really hard to break that stigma in the coming years for "young girl meets dangerous supernatural guy and falls in love" stories.

That aside, I think you're mixing a lot of mythologies here and people are going to be expecting certain things from angels/demons that you may not be delivering. My advice would either be to go the "full" fantasy route, set this in a completely alternate world with unique terminology, or keep the true mythology closer (as the son of the Devil would be the Antichrist and herald of Armageddon, etc etc).

[Rachel13]

I really appreciate your thoughts. Especially about changing the eintire book into a different world...I might consider that. Also, I was hoping that the fact that the original inspiration came from Twilight, I was also hopeing to change it up by not including any kind of vampire or werewolf. Beside all of this anything that may be exact or similar to the series is nothing by similar minds thinking alike. What I mean is that I only read the first book, so anything that I have in my story that perhaps was almost exact to something in the third novel is just as i said before.
Also, I was hoping that i could pose some real portions of my book on here soon. It would be better to receive critque from people outside my family!

Thanks again!

[jeff p]

Hmm.. an interesting idea, Rachel

I’m not a big fan of Vampire stories, the theme has been done to death. Now days you need much more to capture interest.
However your initial storyline can lead to other possibilities.

Here’s one..Perhaps your entire story could take place in Hell itself.




..but then again, as mentioned, I’m not a fan of Vampires and Demons.. perhaps this story has already been done.

Just having fun with a thought.

Jeff

[JHerzog01]

with regards to the demons have you considered the possibility of making them one time humans now possessed by demons? That would be a bit more original (people wouldn't immediately think twilight) and would lead to some really interesting backstory. (I.e. how did they come to be possessed in the first place). Check out Jim butcher's Harry Dresden novels (though the demons dont show up untill book five) he does a fantastic job of actually having humans possessed by devils.

[Rachel13]

Wow. That definetly gives me a lot to think about. I like the idea, Jeff, about starting off in Hell. I also have been giving my story a good bit of thought and i find it increasingly hard to really go from where it is right now. I may consider your idea.
Also, about changing it to the demons posseing the humans is also another approach. There is alot i have to consider.
But, there is also another section of a new story i have been briefly working on. With Black Angel in a chokehold of a writing deliema(the fact that there are so many suggestions from others as well as changes i want to make, i'm not sure where to start.)I started freely writing another demon story, much different though. I will post it after this message; but thanks again.