[Schreibblockade]

Here's a link to my short-short story in Google Docs form. Hopefully I'll be able to do it properly soon, if the "post story" option starts working for me! :)

http://docs.google.com/View?docID=dg2zj38k_09t88wgfw&revision=_latest

Conspiracy theories are interesting things to play with...
Enjoy if you can, and spare me not thy wrath! :D
Thank you all in advance!
-Elisha

[Warzoo]

I tried accessing your story with my gmail account but it said I have to request permission first, which I assume means that you then have to OK it. I'm not down with all that jive. :p

But I'll gladly check it out if you put it in the stories section of this website. :)

[tdnewton]

Yeah you did not grant public access to the document. None of us can read it...:confused:

[Schreibblockade]

Woops. :o

This should work: http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dg2zj38k_09t88wgfw

I tried posting it in the stories section and it didn't work. That's what I meant by "doing it properly." :)
Thanks again!

[tdnewton]

The link worked for me.

critique stuff...
The present tense jarred me, at first, because I see it so little these days. I didn't see any place where you deviated so I figured it was fine. The story, though, went a bit over my head. I thought at first that this was a prologue for something bigger (which at first explained the lack of characterization) but I realized that the end was THE END and had to make sure I didn't miss anything.

I guess I'm mostly tripped up on the purpose of the piece. First, the guy wants to confess but he does not wish to be absolved -- was this a changed decision? And also, you have such ominous phrasing at the beginning, I'm thinking we're going to get into some really heady stuff when he starts confessing... but he just talks about his wife? I mean, the context eventually catches up when you realize who is whom, but this feeling stuck with me.

So, yeah, I guess I didn't absorb the intention of the piece. Then again, I don't normally read short fiction, so my "observations" may not be all that useful.

[Tristis]

It worked for me as story. I enjoyed it and found it to be fairly readable. There's a typo or two, like a missing "I" in "I believe [I] had come to love her…" but they're minor things you can catch with another read through.

The gist I got was that he changed his mind about seeking penance, but the confession he started with was different than the acts he said he was proud of. My nit-pick question is: Would he consider the murder of his wife to be something he should repent, even if none of the rest troubled him?

But, I might already know the answer: If "the serpent" was affecting him (or was him as seems to be the priest's opinion), then he would prefer not to be absolved for ANY sin.

I like the Oxycontin touch. I can't know for sure if there was a serpent or not.

One more nitpick: the priest, familiar with this man's crimes, would not be physically sickened over mere poisoning of lovers and followers, would he? Or is there more that makes him ill that I just skipped over in this first read? It would make sense that the timing of when the priest's stomach got the best of him was just coincidentally there, providing a break in the confession, but I think I would prefer more concrete reasoning in the story.

Good story. Thanks for providing it.

[Schreibblockade]

Hey, thanks for the feedback!
First off, I have a question for you folks: did the ending of the story make clear the identity of the old man as Adolf Hitler? I struggled with how many historical details I could include without giving away the "revelation" at the end. Originally I planned to identify the location of the murders as an underground bunker, and the invading enemy as the Soviet Army. Would it help if I put these details in?
In response to your comments, yes, the character changed his mind about seeking penance, though the Priest's vision of a serpent is meant to suggest that the man is at least partially under its control. People who are claimed to be demon-possessed often do and say things that are completely contradictory, depending on whether or not the spirit is manifesting itself.

Please, keep the opinions coming! :D
-Elisha

[Schreibblockade]

Revisions made. That same link ^up there^ now takes you to the updated version.

[tdnewton]

Hey, thanks for the feedback!
First off, I have a question for you folks: did the ending of the story make clear the identity of the old man as Adolf Hitler?

Yes



(because there's only one person in all of history that gets referred to as "Fuhrer")

[Warzoo]

I enjoyed the story, the physical descriptions were particuarly strong. Old Hitler is one nasty dude. :D It had a very exorsist type feel.

Also, you might want to not mention his wive's name if you're trying keep the realization that its Hitler until the end. A womaned named Eva being poisoned by a creepy old man gave it away for me. (although the Soviet thing gives it away too). But it's fine any old way really.

I did find a problem with the way he talked. The words seemed too poetic at times, too much unlike how someone really speaks. Look at the old pope for example, he could barely even talk in his last few years, let alone make room for nice descriptive language. But anyway, cool story.