[Glelas]

A thread in the sci-fi section got me thinking of how many times I may have used a Deus ex Machina. It didn't take me long to remember my first time. It is weird what the brain can remember.

I was in 2nd grade, which puts me around 7 years old. Our assignment was to spend the whole afternoon writing a short story.

I chose to write about Chief Brody, Matt Hooper, and Qunit (from the movie Jaws). Quint came back as a ghost and haunted them. (What Matt Hooper was still doing in Amity instead of studying sharks in Brisbane is a mystery.) Needless to say nothing could kill the ghost of Quint. Machine guns, bug spray, flame throwers, crossbows, you name it and Quint just laughed it off. The duo decided to hop aboard the Orca II and lead him out to sea. They figured if they brought him back to the area where he was eaten and they shot him with a canon (the Orca II was also equipped with bazookas) he would sink back into the ocean. When that idea failed Chief called in the Amity navy. Yes, the small harbor town of Amity, Massachusetts had a navy. Probably holdovers from the revolution or something. That also didn't work...and time was running out - it was almost time for dismissal. I did what any 7 year old would do...I had Superman conveniently fishing off the coast of Cape Cod. He flew over to the melee in the water and saved Chief and Hooper. End of story...funny part is, I don't think I ever explained how he saved them...:D

Anyone else care to share some really bad but laughable writing?

Oh yeah, I got an A+.

[GarrickW]

Oh sweet lord, the first full-length novel I wrote was full of stuff like this. I was about 11 at the time, but I just reread the book a month ago and laughed so hard. It was overflowing with embarassingly bad continuity and logic and plotting.

The premise was that pretty much every imagineable planet in the Universe had intelligent species on it, including Mars. Deus Ex Machina #1: Earth had been kept behind a holographic shield barrier to hide the existence of other races from humans, until humans started building space fleets. This barrier conveniently hid the lush life on planets such as Venus, Mars and Jupiter's moons.

The protagonists were reptilians from Mars, basically humanoid velociraptors (as interpreted by Jurassic Park) with wings. The story started with the main character (also the head of the solar system's most prominent weapons, military technology and spacecraft corporation, thus granting access to all sorts of cool tech) being elected president of Mars with 98% of the votes and delivering a laughably bad inaugural speech. He then scurries off in a ship to Earth, where they find Atlantis (Yes, Atlantis) and uncover a magical sword of ice, which is the only thing that can kill ghosts (which infest Atlantis). It is worth mentionning that, somehow, the protagonist can speak Atlantean. They then run off and find a corresponding lost city on Mars where there is a similar fire sword. The protagonist's corporation will later produce more of these swords, which can also be used to obliterate space fleets and such.

The book is riddled with things like this. At one point, a battle is being lost against a species of aliens that is allergic to water, and suddenly, it starts to rain and the enemies are obliterated. The protagonist is also conveniently a descendant of an ancient family of Martian shamans who could control the weather, and eventually uncovers this ability. Whenever something bad happens, the protagonist's technology corporation whips out a "new secret invention" that just happens to be suited to the situation (guns that can kill ghosts, hyperspace interdictors, teleporters, space artillery that can bombard things from 1000 light years away with pinpoint accuracy, etc).

Not to mention some mind-bogglingly absurd numbers; at one point, a ship is built that is 87 light years long. I mean, seriously, that's insane.

Oh, and near the end of the second volume the protagonist's race ascends to godhood through technological advancement - almost literally "Deus Ex Machina."

At, to be 11 years old. Fun times.