[Hereford Eye]

I'm posting this for Tristis who provided the text and will run the voting:

Okay everybody:

It's time to vote! Voting will be open until April 28. After that the winner will be announced (to thunderous applause) and be handed the reins for the next contest.

You do not have to have entered to vote. You do not have to submit a critique or comment on - or critique every story even if you do - but all feedback is very much appreciated.

There are two (count 'em) voting threads.
Find Thread B here: http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22280

Please vote in only one of the threads.

Star-Crossed by J.C. Hill - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3623p0.html
Don't do it by Federico Patané - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3622p0.html
Her Golden Aura by Tristis Ward - http://sffworld.com/community/story/3619p0.html
And Dust You Shall Eat by Nils Durban - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3610p0.html
Crossing the Leads by Steve Jones -B5 - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3608p0.html
With Hex You Get Eggroll by Richard Dickson - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3605p0.html
A Spine-Tingling Tale of Blood-Chilling Horror by Michael Paszkowski - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3604p0.html
Bounding the Forbidden by Dan Bieger - http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/3603p0.html


Good Reading

[Hereford Eye]

Okay, here's my reaction:
Star-Crossed by J.C. Hill
Shakespeare, O Henry and a nice re-write. BTW, a wild spanx takes on new meaning with a google search.

Don’t Do It by Frederico Patane
Well, the characters didn’t know it was forbidden and maybe it wasn’t so much forbidden as just plain dangerous. I wanted more explanation of the why it was forbidden but, still, very good take on the monster in the bushes.

Her Golden Aura by Tristis Ward
Hmmmm, my first question is what color is Dr. Tulu? Ignore that. Everything here to make the story comprehensible, only the curious with lots of time on their hands go looking for more. I’m probably reading more into it than I should but I detect a wry bit of commentary underneath it all. And, I agree, conversion is a messy process. Very nice.

And Dust You Shall Eat by Nils Durban
Genesis, again. What I really enjoyed was the line: “Humans killing humans? You're wrong, surely!" Brilliant! I suggest you re-look at the title. You must know Genesis to see the reference because nothing in the story refers to the title. The moon is described as harsh but capable of hosting plant life so they will not survive on dust. So, the eating refers to death, yes? Since nothing in the story indicates that death was not already a part of their existence, that particular Biblical punishment is not presented making the title that much more tenuous.

Crossing the Leads by Steve Jones -B5
Very nice, Mr. Bingo. Which academy are you satirizing? Sounds a lot like Colorado to me but one never knows. This story reminds me of short stories by an author whose name I can’t remember but published a lot in Galaxy in the 60s. His hero had a keg on ice behind his bed with a surgical pipe feeder so he didn’t have to get out of bed to get his inspiration. Wouldn’t be ancestor of yours, would it? A contender.

With Hex You Get Eggroll by Richard Dickson
Entire, coherent story wrapped in less than 1,000 words with enough thought in it to drag folk to its conclusion, Got to be a contender. My question, though, stems from the fact I studied Wade-Giles in the 60s and pinyin doesn’t always match one-to-one and I’m too lazy to look it up. In Wade-Giles, man marde would be slowly. Same idea here?

A Spine-Tingling Tale of Blood-Chilling Horror by Michael Paszkowski:
Very nicely put together though the topic is implied rather than explicit; the characters are unaware of the prohibition. What set me to thinking most was the throwaway: womankind. Seems as if man or womankind would make a great topic of debate among the resident geniuses in the writing thread. I opened the thread but didn’t get the response I expected..

The Privilege of Flesh by Pete Warner
I’d already written this review so I’ll just throw it in here: I see the switch from the girl with the legs that go on forever to Brittany but I must look for it. It isn’t clear until the punch line and, probably, that’s as it should be. This one ranks with my favorite shaggy dog tales, all setup until the punch line. Others m ight see that as all data drop and no story but I’m on your side this time. It works. I suggest a bit more on the ‘why’ it’s forbidden. Sounds like she’s just having fun. And, since ‘forbidden’, what’s the consequence for misbehaving?

See my voting rationale over in Thread B.

[DailyRich]

My question, though, stems from the fact I studied Wade-Giles in the 60s and pinyin doesn’t always match one-to-one and I’m too lazy to look it up. In Wade-Giles, man marde would be slowly. Same idea here?

To be honest, I took it from a list of Chinese curses I found online, their translation was "I wish you a slow death and a quick trip to hell!" Seemed like a good banishment/exorcism kind of spell, so I used it. I originally planned on having some more Chinese sprinkled throughout, but ran into what you're talking about with lack of one-on-one matching, so I stuck with this one little bit of flavor.

Also, Tony Kui gets his name from Zhong Kui (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zhong_Kui), a ghost hunter in Chinese folklore.

Thanks for the kind words, and the vote!

[NilsDesperandum]

And Dust You Shall Eat by Nils Durban
Genesis, again. What I really enjoyed was the line: “Humans killing humans? You're wrong, surely!" Brilliant! I suggest you re-look at the title. You must know Genesis to see the reference because nothing in the story refers to the title. The moon is described as harsh but capable of hosting plant life so they will not survive on dust. So, the eating refers to death, yes? Since nothing in the story indicates that death was not already a part of their existence, that particular Biblical punishment is not presented making the title that much more tenuous.


Yes HE, I know that the title is a reference to the punishment served upon the serpent rather than upon 'the original couple', but "The Gate Shall Be Shut" didn't do it for me and I couldn't totally blag Milton and go with "Paradise Lost"!
What can I say? I couldn't resist it, so please accept the sideways metaphor :D

[Stark Raven]

a wild spanx takes on new meaning with a google search.

I'm really not sure I want to know... but I'll probably look anyway. Damn my morbid curiosity!

[zachariah]

My reactions

Star-Crossed
Now, the Star-Belly Sneetches had bellies with stars. The Plain-Belly Sneetches had none upon thars...

Don’t Do It
A very pleasing scene. The wristband made me think they were buddhists preparing to eat meat.So we missed out on the legitimate use of the line "She reached over and took his meat in her hands, ignoring the disapproving glares from the other patrons, and put it slowly in her mouth..."

Her Golden Aura
I really liked this one. Solid idea, good execution.

And Dust You Shall Eat
I'm all for biblical allusion, but I take mine heavily diluted. And being a Red Dwarf fan, any time I hear about a seed pod landing on a barren planet, I think Rimmerworld (http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/guide/index.cfm?sectionID=episodes&seriesID=6&subsectionID=rimmerworld).

Crossing the Leads
I'm afraid I didn't get into this story. Too much of a tiny fragment needing more resolution than the limits of FF provide.

With Hex You Get Eggroll
A beautifully crafted and charming story of modern-day exorcism, with a strong aftertaste of Ghostbusters.

Bounding The Forbidden
I always like it when a writer can successfully create a nasty weasel of a character. There's one of these in every town (the nasty character, not the writer).

See thread B for Vote-Justifying madness.

[DailyRich]

Star-Crossed by J.C. Hill
Seems to me if you're going to riff on Shakespeare, Seuss and O. Henry, there should be a little more to it than just the pleasure of recognition. Maybe 1000 words is too short to really do something different, but this felt like a musician sampling three great songs into one song that doens't really do anything different with them.

Don't Do It by Federico Patane
Maybe it's my cynicism peeking through, but I suspected things would turn out to be not quite as dire as the build up indicated.

Her Golden Aura by Tristis Ward
Shades of the Voight-Kampf machine! Tulu's slow realization of what exactly is going on was very well done. What good is being saved if you're no longer "saved"? Good stuff.

And Dust You Shall Eat by Nils Durban
Ah, the infamous Shaggy God story! At least this one disposes with all pretense and puts the metaphor right out there instead of relying on it as a cheap surprise at the end.

Crossing the Leads by Steve Jones
Interesting, another story where saving oneself seems to bring about more dire circumstances than not saving oneself. There did seem to be an awful lot of passive voice in there, but kudos nicely building up to the moment of crossing the leads without tipping your hand as what was going to happen.

A Spine-Tingling Tale of Blood-Curdling Horror by Michael Paszkowski
Be careful what story you tell, you just might get it! This was another story where I could kind of see the twist coming, but the way you handled it was still entertaining.

Bounding the Forbidden by Dan Bieger
That one simple rule is going to forever doom these guys to a cycle of constantly revising "what we ain't specifically forbid". I don't see happy times ahead for the club!

Continued in Thread B.

[Gkarlives]

That is all I can say. There is no lack of talent in this community and I was torn between several stories. In addition, most of the ones I put in a lower category were still great stories but just needed more tweaking or some expanding. Now to the reviews.

Bounding the Forbidden by Dan Bieger - Strong ending that shows how a lot of problems in society arise from trickery unchecked. I think that club is in for a rocky ride. The only problem I had was keeping track of the speakers. I had to back track a few times.

A spine-tingling tale of Blood Chilling Horror by Micheal Paszkowski - Smooth writing with good humor to horror content but the plot was all to predictable. Theme tenuous.

With Hex you Get Eggroll by Richchard Dickson - I liked this one because of the rich implied world outside. Character transitions were a little confusing and there were a few typos. Again, the theme was heavily implied. Up there in my list.

Crossing the leads by Steve Jones - Yet again another great entry by Steve. Well written with a good ending. The chiefs death was a little too convienent. A little predictable but very enjoyable, could be the starter for a great novel.

And dust you shall eat by Nils Durban - Interesting take on the Adam and Eve story and I liked how the story Icons were transmuted into appropriate symbols for your story. I felt this story needed a little more space though to let the reader get used to the references and settings.

Her Golden Aura by Tristis Ward - Another story that hinted at a great backstory. What a playground to play in. Great characters and complex story. One of the contenders.

Don't Do It by Federico Patane - Story was well plotted with some typos. The payoff at the end wasn't worth the wait for me however.

Starcrossed by J.C. Hill - Good pacing and great twisting of multiple story iconage (Romeo/Juliet, Star-Bellied Sneetches) but was not much different than the original. To combine such lexicons of writing into a distinct work you need to have a unique plot device.

[Fung Koo]

Star-Crossed by J.C. Hill

"Don't worry," he said. "This won't hurt. Well, not according to my calculations, at least."

Very playful. I ended up reading it in a Fonzie accent, "Rom-aheyo!" :D I especially liked the names, and the bits of metatext throughout. The writing itself is solid and engaging. A nice twist on the ol' forbidden love. The story doesn't quite get to the ending, though. Does the mob burn them? Do the families exchange one for the other based on the mark? Do they off themselves and preserve their love forever? I wanna know!

Don't do it by Federico Patané

I'm going to make that cake. And then I'm going to sin :D

Definitely a bit over-dramatic, so instead of building into a climax it sort of fizzes and pops its way into a joke that is unfortunately way overused by dieting commercials. That being said, it would make a great commercial!

Her Golden Aura by Tristis Ward

This one sorta ties in with the first vs. third person discussion that we're having elsewhere. It's a very neat trick that you have the spirit character talking back to the narrator as it describes the goings-on in Dr. Tulu's head. An intriguing approach, with killer comedic effect, but left me a bit confused at first about what's going on. Once I got it, though, it was great :) There's a lot of imagination behind this world, and it's very interesting. I dig muchly.

And Dust You Shall Eat by Nils Durban

Nice allegorical colonization story. Fully imagined in rich detail, so I really got caught up in the setting. I like that in the end there was a reason for the Apple being forbidden, but the allegory sorta takes over and the story falls apart here. Whoever the masters are that created the colonists must've known the old colony was down there to know to forbid it in the first place, and I know you've got it covered that the Ovule only operates for so long... But I'm left nonplussed at why it would still be able to fly them around to new locations after they made their choice, and then if they're engineered colonists why they would be shipped to habitable moon to eke out a rough existence. Not sure I understand the colonization procedure.... The seedship is nearby, so this isn't a "fling a seed out to space" story... So, a bit lost on that stuff, but otherwise I really liked it :)

Crossing the Leads by Steve Jones -B5

More of an introduction than a story, but a cool introduction nonetheless. I did feel a bit like I was reading the intro to an Enterprise episode, though... Benefactors/Vulcans... Pirates... Other than the fact that it ends right when it gets going, it was well written and concise. And with the title I was expecting it to be...

With Hex You Get Eggroll by Richard Dickson

Ghostbusters! There's something honest and hilarious about this. It goes with every Asian opium den/medicine man stereotype, and probably twigs someone's race-dar, but the idea of a chinese food delivery man/exorcist is pretty damn funny. It's a concept Stephen Chow might come up with. And the wise-ass delivery exorcist is just plain hilarious. Thoroughly enjoyable, well written... Well done!

A Spine-Tingling Tale of Blood-Chilling Horror by Michael Paszkowski

My only real complaint is the title. Otherwise, a nice little morality play -- albeit a little too much in the vein of Scream to be particularly original. The dialogue is generally solid, though there are just a few parts that don't quite roll off the tongue naturally. The sparse narration contributed nicely to the overall effect, I thought -- it's a very play-like scene, so a play-like form works really well. All in all, solid.

Bounding the Forbidden by Dan Bieger

A little too subtle, HE :p

My only issue is something I've mentioned before -- I get to watch the debate, but I don't really get to take part in it. I suppose this is the difficulty with writing about thinking, rather than writing about action. This is a sort of Socratic Method you've got here (Mary Sue :p), and while enlightening, it can be tough to engage with as entertainment. You ever do these as dialogue-only?

[Hereford Eye]

A little too subtle, HE :p
Touche!
You ever do these as dialogue-only?
A one act play with no stage direction? Yeah, that would be fun.:p