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JunkMonkey
September 2nd, 2009, 06:08 PM
Somewhere (ie here (http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18172)) there is a thread for show-stopping bad science moments in SF Books. Since the thread wasn't supposed to wander into TV or Cinema SF (like that stopped us!) I thought it was time movies had their own similar thread.

There are so many to choose from but here's an old favourite of mine to start with

I Diafanoidi Vengono da Marte - (AKA Diaphanoids, Bringers of Death; Gamma I Quadrilogy Vol. 2 ; The Deadly Diaphonoids; The War of the Planets etc. etc.) Laugh out loud 1966 Italian Space opera* which made no sense whatsoever. Something to do with some sort of hive mind from Andromeda (represented on screen by a vague green light and an off-screen grip with a smoke machine) invading people's minds and making them outrageously over-act. As always with make up the story as you go along, cruddy Italian SF translated into English Lite by bilingual illiterates, the thing was chock full of unforgettably awful dialogue but this was my favourite line: (A whole space station has just vanished in front of everyone's eyes.)


Military Commander:
"What do you make of it?"

Scientific Adviser:
"It's Zero, to the tenth power.
- All I can offer you is a sum of
questions: Did something happen?
- if so what? Then we can ask
Why? - - - and How?"

Everyone turns and solemnly stares at the general's desk until the editor eventually notices the scene has ended and cuts away to some model spaceships.


Zero to the tenth power‽




Let's see if we can get to ten posts before mentioning either Star Trek or Star Wars. I bet we can't.

*Look up 'oxymoron' in any good dictionary and it will give 'Italian SF' as a definition.

Jennifer P
September 3rd, 2009, 12:48 PM
If you can find it. (After many years I tracked it down, through Amazon, but it was either a French or a Quebec print...English sound track, but the credits and opening in French)...Star Crash is possibly the worst science fiction movie ever made.

Yes, it's Italian. It 'stars' Christopher Plummer (at the height of his pain killer addiction, and it shows) and David Hasslehoff. And a bunch of B-movie favorites.

Best moment?

'Imperial Battlecruiser <unnecessarily long pause> Halt The Flow Of Time!'

It has space amazons, badly edited dog fights and...lightsabers.

So, no, we are not going to get ten posts without mentioning Star Wars. Sorry.

No I'm not.

I also absolutely have to mention the eastern (Japanese, I believe) 'classic' Cyber Ninja. Which also mentions Star Wars. On the video cover. It contains the ultimate in bad Asian-English translation:

Henchman #1: And that is when the magnetic rays will arouse you.
Henchman #2: But what of the dark overlords needs!

Bad dubbing FTW.

JunkMonkey
September 3rd, 2009, 01:19 PM
That is truly a wonderful Bad SF moment. Star Crash is a stunning movie (as in the thing they do to cows just before they shoot them). I didn't know that Plummer was having addiction problems, I thought he was delivering his lines - two words - at a - time. Because - that's the - way everyone - talks in - Italian movies - even if - they are - talking in - their own - language, that or he was doing his William Shatner impression: "Science Fiction is it? Right, I'll play it like that Captain Kirk fellow. That's what Science Fiction Acting is all about." Both Canadian too.

I think I am glad to say I had no idea what the hell was going on in the movie at all. I suspect I missed some of the finer plot points because I was laughing so much, usually at the direction and the dialogue - though some of the special effects are outrageously funny at times. I don't know why I had no idea what was going on in the film; I had no excuse, all the characters seemed to do was tell each other what they were doing. "We must go to the Planet of Certain Doom! Calculate a course allowing for solar drift!" "I am calculating a course for the Planet of Certain Doom and have entered it into the ships computer. We we'll be at the planet in twenty seven point thirty seconds of standard Earth time." "Look! (points at viewscreen - I gave up counting the number of times in this movie people pointed at viewscreens and said "LOOK!") We have arrived at the Planet of Certain Doom.". "Good. We'll park in that canyon over there". The trouble was no one ever explained WHY they were going to the ****ing Planet of Certain Doom in the first place. The whole script boiled down to a seemingly endless repetition of: "Let's go over there and get attacked!" Biff! Bash! Whallop! Help! Whallop! "Aha! You arrived from nowhere just in the nick of time to rescue us! Okay, let's go over there and get attacked." Biff! Bash! Whallop! etc.

The only real reason to watch this movie is Caroline Munro in her leather bikini.

NickeeCoco
September 3rd, 2009, 10:01 PM
That is truly a wonderful Bad SF moment. Star Crash is a stunning movie (as in the thing they do to cows just before they shoot them). I didn't know that Plummer was having addiction problems, I thought he was delivering his lines - two words - at a - time. Because - that's the - way everyone - talks in - Italian movies - even if - they are - talking in - their own - language, that or he was doing his William Shatner impression: "Science Fiction is it? Right, I'll play it like that Captain Kirk fellow. That's what Science Fiction Acting is all about." Both Canadian too.

I think I am glad to say I had no idea what the hell was going on in the movie at all. I suspect I missed some of the finer plot points because I was laughing so much, usually at the direction and the dialogue - though some of the special effects are outrageously funny at times. I don't know why I had no idea what was going on in the film; I had no excuse, all the characters seemed to do was tell each other what they were doing. "We must go to the Planet of Certain Doom! Calculate a course allowing for solar drift!" "I am calculating a course for the Planet of Certain Doom and have entered it into the ships computer. We we'll be at the planet in twenty seven point thirty seconds of standard Earth time." "Look! (points at viewscreen - I gave up counting the number of times in this movie people pointed at viewscreens and said "LOOK!") We have arrived at the Planet of Certain Doom.". "Good. We'll park in that canyon over there". The trouble was no one ever explained WHY they were going to the ****ing Planet of Certain Doom in the first place. The whole script boiled down to a seemingly endless repetition of: "Let's go over there and get attacked!" Biff! Bash! Whallop! Help! Whallop! "Aha! You arrived from nowhere just in the nick of time to rescue us! Okay, let's go over there and get attacked." Biff! Bash! Whallop! etc.

The only real reason to watch this movie is Caroline Munro in her leather bikini.

Hahaha... I've never seen it, but you have just made me want to. It sounds brilliant.

Jennifer P
September 4th, 2009, 12:41 PM
Plummer ended up in rehab for the abuse of over the counter painkillers at one point. I believe this movie was filmed shortly before that, so while I can't be one hundred percent certain he was as stoned as he looked...

...what was everyone else's excuse?

saintjon
September 10th, 2009, 10:07 PM
Isn't Plan 9 From Outer Space like the Citizen Kane of bad SF movies? Make that movies in general.

JunkMonkey
September 11th, 2009, 05:24 AM
Isn't Plan 9 From Outer Space like the Citizen Kane of bad SF movies? Make that movies in general.

There speaks someone who has never seen Al Adamson's Horror of the Blood Monsters. ;) There are many many movies which surpass Plan 9 for awfulness. Most of them weren't picked up by the Medved brothers for their Golden Turkey Awards. Just as the IMDb's bottom 100 movies (http://www.imdb.com/chart/bottom) list has more than its fair share of films that featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000). The trouble with many awful movies is they are unwatchable. At least most people can get to the end of Plan 9. I admire Ed Wood. He is a hero of the truest kind. Despite all the obstacles put in his way - some of them carefully and painstakingly erected by himself, and, hampered by a prodigious lack of talent and artistic judgement that would have crippled most of us, he did it. He made the movies he wanted to make.

Hats off to the man.

His famous Solarnite is no more stupid than many of hundreds other Pseudo Science moments of movies of the time:




EROS
The solaronite is a way to explode
the actual particles of sunlight.

COL. EDWARDS
Why that's impossible.

EROS
Even now, your scientists are working
on a way to harness the sun's rays.
The rays of sunlight are minute particles.
Is it so far from your imagination
they cannot do as I have suggested?

COL. EDWARDS
Why a particle of sunlight can't
even be seen or measured.

EROS
Can you see or measure an atom?
Yet you can explode one. A ray of
sunlight is made up many atoms.

JEFF
So what if we do developed this
solaronite bomb? We'd be even a
stronger nation than now.

EROS
Stronger. You see? You see?
Your stupid minds...stupid! Stupid!!



Here's a good one from Manhunt in Space , a film made by nailing together a couple of Rocky Jones (http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0037292/) TV episodes into the rough simulacrum of a movie. The prestigious JunkMonkey SuperScience Gizmo of the Month Award goes to... Ta-dah! Professor Newton's 'Cold Light Device', explained, almost thusly, by heroic Rocky Jones to his comedy side-kick 'Winky'



"The filament in the vacuum tube is quickly bought to a temperature of about minus 342 degrees centigrade. Heat can affect us so that images that can't normally be seen, can be seen by the human eye - like the mirages that appear in a hot desert. Intense cold can have the opposite effect and blot out images that are actually there. When this is switched on, the rays sent out by the terribly cold light will surround the spaceship and make it invisible."

saintjon
September 11th, 2009, 09:51 PM
That is hilarious. My favourite piece of mind-boggling dialogue is from an anime called Getter Robo, and this seems to be a pretty faithful translation:
*two guards are escorting a typical anime badass type*
Guard 1: "Hey, isn't this guy a murderer?"
Guard 2: "Yeah, but the guy he killed came back so they let him out to finish the job."

Which sums up pretty nicely just what sort of a show you've stumbled onto.

BigWords
September 12th, 2009, 08:15 AM
The second and third Matrix movies are classic bad SF moments. :D

The Lord of all Things Inane
October 30th, 2010, 09:36 PM
Bump, bump it up while the beat is still pumping. I want to read more of these bad sci fi moments. You know what they say about bad sci fi? Sci Fi is like pizza, even the worst sci fi is still pretty darn good!
CDN