[venustar]

Hello everyone. To post or not to post...oh, how my mouse hovers over that submit button.

I'm new here and I've been reading some of your threads. A lot of you are really talented...and very busy, it seems. I find it impressive and (pretty intimidating!) to read how some of you crank out 7k words in a day or work on a dozen projects at one time. I only wish I could be so productive.

I'm writing today to ask for understanding that I may not even get here...however, I think it is worth a try.

I am a "moody" person-a shrink's Holy Grail, if you will. I have pages and pages of diagnosis. I'm neurotic, obsessive, compulsive, depressive, hypomanic...just plain crazy. Generally, this is not how I define myself, but it DOES affect my ability to focus and produce.

I want to be an artist. Scratch that-I AM an artist, but the crazy gets into my head and into my hands, and renders me immobile. So all of these ideas, the inspiration I feel when I'm upthere just cannot come out. It is as though my creative mind has a penchant for thrill seeking, so it climbs to the top of a very high bridge, straps on a bungee, then jumps off. The initial thrill and rush of the plunge feels so very good, but it is over much too soon and I'm left dangling at the bottom, wondering how the hell I'm going to get back up.

Perhaps that makes no sense.

What I'm asking for, really, is to hear someone else say, "Hey! I get it!". Is there anyone else out there who goes through the storms, loses their capabilities at times, but is still driven by the intense desire to write? And are there any success stories?

Kay Redfield Jamison said that moodiness begets creativity. I wonder, though, if it truly lends itself to talent. What are your thoughts?

[Fung Koo]

First, your external validation: Hey! I get it!

Feel better? ;)

Oh, the tortured artist! That brilliance shining through the riddling of guilt, obsessions, self-hatred, other-hatred, passion, and deep, dank depression. And those harrowing, hollow times when it seems that inspiration has left you utterly.

And even worse -- when your brilliant idea, out of your head, looks likes like a poop stain once it's on the paper.

Yep, been there. My longest dry spell was almost 4 years. It was crushing -- thought I was done writing. I expect I'll have more, and longer spells in the years to come. And I guarantee you everyone knows what that's like to some extent.

Without knowing anything about you beyond your self-professed rap-sheet of conditions (which I'm inclined to believe is probably self-diagnosed, as you say you're the holy grail for psychiatry -- which indicates you haven't yet been discovered by a shrink, or else I'd expect to have heard the news of your discovery ;)), I'm inclined to ask how old you are.

And I don't mean that to come across in a snarky, ageist way. I'm trying to ascertain whether or not you're really someone suffering from incapacitating mental illness(es), or if you're really a late-teen/early-20's normal person calling yourself crazy while looking at other writers and thinking, "How the hell do I do that?"

As you can imagine, who you really are changes the conversation considerably.

There is, of course, the possibility that you're both young and clinically diagnosed. Regardless -- knowing a little more about you and where you're at would provide substantial context to provide some helpful hints, suggestions, advice, mentoring, whatever.

There are countless success stories. Every published work is somebody's success story. The writer's biggest hurdle is usually him/herself. But helping someone get over him/herself necessitates knowing who that person is.

As to whether or not moodiness or craziness contributes to creativity, I'd say that there's no doubt that it plays a role in an individual's art (you'll note that this statement begs the question). Creativity is, in so many ways, the ability to trap a crazy idea or strange way of looking at things in a still form for others to appreciate. So if you're moody or crazy, it seems to me that by default you'd be more likely to have more moods and crazies available to be recorded as art. But whether or not you also have the ability to capture those moods and crazies.... Well, that would depend on your particular type of moodiness or craziness. I doubt it's any higher than average.

But here's a factoid on moodiness and craziness: actual mental disorders affect about 2-3% of the total population. Mood disorders (short and long term, combined) are diagnosed at about 10% (long term alone, the number reverts to 2-3%). However, survey says that when people are asked if they think that they, themselves, might be suffering from an undiagnosed mental disorder, about 33% will answer in the affirmative. If there has been recent popular news item about a particular type of crazy that's sweeping the nation, of that 33% of a self-diagnosed crazies, more than 75% are likely to report that they are experiencing the currently popular mental illness.

It is an open debate as to whether the occurrence of mental and mood disorders of up to 26% in the US is a genuine figure representing the true mental condition of the populace, or if it is instead the product of a capitalist mental health system supported by a high median level of education. Personally, I tend toward believing the latter.

Another great factoid: 67% of people don't care about factoids.

:D

All in all, though, I don't think it's possible to prove the effect of moodiness or craziness as an output factor for creativity. That's like saying that being left handed makes you more creative (which has been argued -- inconclusively -- here before). And it assumes that we even know what "creativity" really is -- we don't.

Anyway.... welcome to SFFWorld :)

[venustar]

Thanks, Fung. :)

I have been repeatedly diagnosed. Ultraradian Bipolar II (NOS), OCD, GAD...the list goes on. I'm also a (non-medicated) mid-twenties "normal" person calling myself crazy. It varies from day to day. ;) I've had several shrinks and several therapists-one of which actually told me that it is people like me that keep him in business (hence the Holy Grail comment).

I guess I've come to terms with my crazy...for the most part. Its just frustrating when I can't turn it into something constructional. I've been working on the same novel for eight months now, and I have to keep stopping for days and weeks at a time, otherwise what comes out is that proverbial poop stain you mentioned. And I often wonder if what I produce during the upswing is just as bad (but hey, that could just be the good 'ole fashioned self-loathing that a lot of writers experience anyway).

I guess I want proof that you really can create diamonds from coal, but that is just not very easy to discern when all you can do is stare at a computer screen like a blob.

Anyway, thanks again for the welcome. I like this place. I just hope I fit in. :rolleyes:

[kissmequick]

Hey I get it!

I'm bipolar too. Thing is, you can make it work for you, not against you, if you're determined enough.

The highs are great for just getting the story down on paper. The lows - I find it's difficult to crank out new words, but I can edit - and more thoroughly than I do on a high because I'm more critical of everything.

Even if I think what I'm writing today is poop - it doesn't matter. All first drafts are poop anyway. First get it written , then get it right.

Becoming an author isn't necessarily about the writing - it's about the re-writing. And you can't edit a blank page. So just write. A little every day. 200 new words, or edit one page. Small, achievable goals. Work your way up from there.

I know some days it's hard, but there's one thing you need to have - and that's perseverance. Don't let it beat you. You beat it, and hard.

[Fung Koo]

I'm also a (non-medicated) mid-twenties "normal" person calling myself crazy.

Ah, good. This part us folk are qualified to help with!

I guess I've come to terms with my crazy...for the most part.

That's a good place to start. Some sort of grudging tolerance of one's unchosen shortcomings has been a launching pad for many a writer's career. I assume you've read Eggers' Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius? The mid-20s bipolarist bible?

I've been working on the same novel for eight months now, and I have to keep stopping for days and weeks at a time

This is actually quite normal and may not be much related to your personal issues. What's important here is to figure out when it is your own issues that are the barrier, and when it's simply normal, everyday cycles of boredom and interest. It's important to be able to distinguish between them -- but that's a skill that takes time to develop (much like writing).

Something to keep in mind is that the average published author is closer to 40 years old than 20.

If you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. Someone in their mid-20s just doesn't have the broad life experience to render every scene in their story just the way they imagine it in their head. It is very difficult for people to write about what they don't know -- only a handful of authors can write experientially blind and be very convincing about it. Most of us normal human-sorts need real experiences -- and things we've experienced several times, in different ways -- that we can transpose into fiction convincingly. And it's the -convincingly- part we seem to have trouble with -- strangely, we can usually recognize when our own rendering of something we've never fully experienced doesn't ring true (how we would know this, I've no idea, but it seems to be a fairly common phenomenon).

The mid-20s is especially tough in many respects. You're really a nobody. It's a transitionary time between childhood and proper adulthood. You earn money, but for what? Rarely do our jobs have anything to do with our goals for ourselves. We still feel like all we're doing is waiting for the next step. Behind us is a time when our goals were provided for us (finish school, make the team, get a job any job, whatever), and now we have to set our own goals while also dealing with the fact that everyone around us suddenly starts getting married and procreating. It's a time chock full of disillusionment.

If childhood is a time of basically no responsibility, and adulthood is a time mostly about responsibility, what are the mid-20s? By the early-30s, life takes a turn and suddenly you've got a family (usually) -- no more time to write. Hopefully, by the 40s you're free of the smallest rugrats, and can find time to write again between minivan advertures in afterschool activities. Can't say I've experienced this firsthand, but the accounts of many a writer tells of how you come to the text as a 40-odd year old person who has experienced both childhood and adulthood, and suddenly there's all this extra perspective that helps you write better, more clearly, more like what you're thinking in your head.

It also makes sense if you consider the type of undertaking that writing a novel is. Comparatively, it's the equivalent of trying to build a house without instructions. Young writers like ourselves are full of learned techniques and theoretical knowledge -- but mashing those two things together into our own personal style and work ethic (and personal issues) takes time. We might be able to make a pretty awesome doghouse with that knowledge and technique, but taking that to the next level -- adding windows, wiring, plumbing, secret passages -- is a laborious process. There's a lot of practical knowledge that needs to be acquired and considered before we can even hope to get to the finish line that we've set for ourselves.

The first published work of your typical author is often something that they've worked on for more than 10 or 15 years. So don't be discouraged that you can't complete a novel in record time -- that's a very rare gift. Nor should you expect to maintain an interest in what you're writing all day every day until it's done.

For myself, I'm of the opinion that if I finish a novel before I turn 35 (geez, that's only 5 years away now...) I'll be shocked and awed. My goal is to publish something -- anything -- by 45. I simply have too many ideas, and my interest deflects between them too much. I find it difficult to focus, especially when I hit a scene that I'm having difficulty rendering. And life gets in the way all the time. So instead, I'm choosing to be realistic. Right now, my purpose is to write as much as I can as often as I can so that later, when I have the time and experience to focus, I'll have the wherewithal to finish my stories. But maybe not. Won't know til I get there.

I guess I want proof that you really can create diamonds from coal

A fitting metaphor -- how long does it take for the coal to turn into a diamond? ;)

[venustar]

Thank you...both of you.

I guess I just want to prove myself. I want to be a superhero. I want to be able to write while taking care of my two children (one is in Kindergarten, the other is a three year old with developmental disability), battle the demons, keep the house clean, manage the bills, and try to grow up all at the same time. It is very much like being hit with a tsunami.

But what else is there for me? I've tried the job thing...it never turns out well. I've tried the forget-everything-and-be-a-stay-at-home-mom thing...I became bored and restless and triggered. Writing is everything. It is an escape, an antagonist, a passion...it is something within me that I have very little control over, and I tried for years to squash the dream, only to have it repeatedly rise up and battle me for supremacy. Sometimes I feel as though I have no other option but to write, and maybe that is a good thing, except when the passion is there but my cognitive abilities are not. To struggle with it weighs heavy on my moody ego.

Listen to me. I'm so dramatic. :rolleyes:

Fung, you have your head on straight, and (without really knowing you), it is easy to see-and be impressed by the fact-that you have what it takes to achieve your goals. I wish you boatloads of success, and I thank you for reminding me that I need perspective.

Kissmequick, you reminded me that there are still things I can do while plunging. I need to keep that in mind. My edit-as-I-go philosophy really isn't the most productive anyway.

Well, that's all I have for now. It's time to play with the kid a bit, then back to the grindstone. I have a scene in my head that isn't going to write itself. :o

[kissmequick]

I want to be able to write while taking care of my two children (one is in Kindergarten, the other is a three year old with developmental disability), battle the demons, keep the house clean, manage the bills, and try to grow up all at the same time.

You can't do everything! Take the pressure off yourself. Personally I let the housework slide a little and / or get my hubby to do more :D It was hard writing when my kids were smaller, but it does get easier - esp when they start school and you have a bit of free time. Still, I mostly write at night when they're asleep. And you've a head start on me - I didn't start writing till I was 35! I always feel like I'm playing catch up....

As for the obsession - yup, I'll admit I'm obsessed, and glad of it - you need to be IMO, if you're going to get anywhere.( I only dabbled to start with. Once I decided to really take it seriously and got into so far into my brain it woudln't get out - hoo, it really jumped forward leaps and bounds) Drives my Old Man crazy sometimes - he'll be talking to me and I'll be nodding and saying 'uh-huh' and he'll say 'You're writing a scene in your head aren't you?' 'Um...sorry.'

Still, as he says, keeps me outta trouble :D

[Jennifer P]

Try multiple projects. For a lot of cyclical writers that works well...when one project is not going so well, they can go work on another one. It might *not* work for you, but it's worth a try.

Try making writing a habit, something you sit down and do at a specific time of the day...that works for a lot of people who feel their life is overwhelming.

Try writing *something* even when you think you have writer's block. 'Putting one word in front of another' often works, even if you have to scrap it...but once you get started. Doing that consistently can even, if you're lucky, cure you of writer's block altogether. It worked for me.

[RobertsInferno]

All techniques I use that I find very useful, I would definitely recommend Jennifer P's suggestions.

Try multiple projects. For a lot of cyclical writers that works well...when one project is not going so well, they can go work on another one. It might *not* work for you, but it's worth a try.

Try making writing a habit, something you sit down and do at a specific time of the day...that works for a lot of people who feel their life is overwhelming.

Try writing *something* even when you think you have writer's block. 'Putting one word in front of another' often works, even if you have to scrap it...but once you get started. Doing that consistently can even, if you're lucky, cure you of writer's block altogether. It worked for me.

[venustar]

Thanks all! Yes, tips and tricks are most definitely appreciated. I thank you for taking the time to share them with me.

You know, I've taken some time to read throughout the site, beyond the writer's forum, and I have to say, what a great resource this is! So glad I found it! :D