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Miriamele
June 4th, 2002, 11:38 AM
I was just wondering if anyone read my story which was posted today, Onan's Apprentice, by Jeanne Bourque.

I would really appreciate any feedback anyone could give me, because although I've written many "regular" stories in the past, this is the first fantasy story I've written.

Don't be afraid to tell me it sucks. I don't believe it's my best work. I'm afraid it might be a bit too long, and the ending I feel is rather cheesy.

But nevertheless, I would really like to know what everyone thinks of it. Thanks!

daigoro
June 4th, 2002, 11:58 AM
...and here's a link to the story ->The Story (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/b/bourque_jeanne/fiction/onansapprentice1.html).

Miriamele
June 4th, 2002, 03:37 PM
Thanks Dag Rambraut, I wasn't sure how to do that.

saintjon
June 4th, 2002, 04:52 PM
Not too shabby, for someone who doesn't write much fantasy.

I liked that you didn't explain the magic much, but I find that fantasy works much better when you describe the setting more. I'm not talking about nations and social groups or anything like that, but the specific scenes and landscapes the characters hang out in. I wouldn't feel too bad about that though, since you don't have as many words to spend on stuff like that in a short story.

The ending was a might cheesy, as you said. Wrapped up a bit too neatly I'd say. You might want to retool Onan's dialogue a bit too. When he's ranting he sounded kinda comic book (maybe that's what you were going for though :) )

Keep at it!

Miriamele
June 4th, 2002, 06:47 PM
Thanks saintjon for your comments. No, I wasn't going for comic-booky dialogue so maybe I should change a few lines.

BTW, that's an interesting avatar you have there. :)

Hey, I just noticed, we're both from Ontario. Cool.

saintjon
June 5th, 2002, 07:09 AM
Originally posted by Miriamele
BTW, that's an interesting avatar you have there. :)

Hey, I just noticed, we're both from Ontario. Cool.

Yeah, the avatar's from a pic I used for my e-ninja web-site in computer design class. If you want to see some funny ninja stuff, go to www.ultimate-ninja.com (may or may not be a hyphen).

Windsor is one of the few places in Ontario I haven't been to. I've only ever left this province to go to crummy nowhere-towns in Northern Quebec. Isn't that pathetic?

Miriamele
June 5th, 2002, 10:46 AM
Hey, don't worry that you've never been to Windsor. It's a real dump. The only nice part is the casino downtown...if you like gambling, which I don't particularly. And we have lots of bars (of all sorts) but I don't drink either. The air stinks and the water tastes bad, and there's no where good to mountain bike...I cried when I moved here from Ottawa 6 years ago.

I don't think it's pathetic you've only been to Quebec and Ontario. They're both beautiful provinces. Don't worry, you'll see more of the world someday. I sense that you're still young.

But anyway...is anybody else going to read my story? I know it's not a masterpiece but I would really appreciate it if someone told me exactly where I went wrong, so next time I can do better.

Thanks!

Ashgan
June 5th, 2002, 11:54 AM
hey. i thought the story was really cool and the ending actually might appeal to some people, you know, being romantic/cheesy as it is. a little bit of heroism in there, as well. i'll also have to agree with the insane ninja here about the scenery and imagery of the whole thing, i love reading about where it's all happening and imagining the stuff in my head. i think more descriptions of landscapes are needed, especially when the two of them are flying through the air, that's got some big potential. otherwise, i liked the entire thing and the plot... except maybe the attmpted rape part, i don't know, it should've been done using some spells and things like that, not just brute force and sweaty hands hehe. by the way, to anybody who can answer, how do you put a link to your story on a forum post?

Miriamele
June 5th, 2002, 01:49 PM
Thanks for your comments Ashgan. You're right, I could have added some more description of the scenery. But by the time I was getting to the end of the story, I was afraid that it was already getting too long so I tried to finish it up quickly.

The attempted rape part, I wrote with "brute force and sweaty hands" as you put it, instead of spells or something, because I was trying to show Onan's base, human side, his weakness, not the more noble part of him that used magic. Anyway, I think he was hoping he wouldn't have to use any tricks, that she would just yield to him. I don't know if that makes sense but that was what I was thinking at the time. Maybe it would be interesting though if I put some magic in there.

Thanks again for your helpful advice. :)

saintjon
June 5th, 2002, 05:09 PM
You're from Ottawa? Cool. I'm going to college there. Good city, huh? I wasn't trying to dis Ontario, just makes it hard to feel valid when all my buds have been to Europe and stuff.

Case in point:

Me: Hey, nice pants Erika.

Erika: Oh thanks, I got them at a market in Spain.

(awkward moment as I struggle for something to say about Spain)

Me: Uh yeah. Donde estan la bibliotheca?