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June 5th, 2002, 12:20 PM
well, the title says it all basically, i would be grateful to any people willing to sacrifice some of their time to reading the two pages (i mean, come on, it's really short) of my small story that has been, after millenia of waiting and hoping, published on this cool website (i mean that) and now is ready to engulf anybody who's willing to tinker with it... hmmm. don't mind this intro, it's a bit off, i know, but it's cool when you have the ability to write something and you actually get other people to read it... and for free... yes, this is the magnificence of this site - providing the opportunity. ok, just give me any comments on the story, they'll all be appreciated and answer a simple question: does it make you wanna read more, to go on with the plot? thank you

P.S.: for some obscure and magical reason, there are question marks in my text where three full - stops should be. like this:
... ---> ?
so, when you see that and wonder what are those ? about, you'll know.
the address:


June 5th, 2002, 02:07 PM
I read your story and I thought it was pretty good. Yes, I would want to keep reading--but only if it was rewritten a bit.

Let me explain. I found that your paragraphs were very long, and contained a lot of information, both background and present information. A couple of them I had to reread a few times to get it all. So basically your problem is with flow. Try breaking up each large paragraph into several smaller ones, so the reader can move more easily from thought to thought. You can only digest so much information at once.

I liked the first part the best when the two characters are talking. You should include more direct events and dialogue in the latter part of the story, so the reader can see more of what's actually going on. I felt that there was a bit too much of the character telling his thoughts. It might actually make this story more interesting to read if it were in third person, because then you could include descriptions of stuff that was going on that the character (I'm sorry, I forgot his name) might not see directly.

So my main point is that it is a good story, but it could be a lot better if you space it out more and beef it up with more dialogue and description of events. Make the reader feel like they're right there. Don't be afraid of making it longer. Your writing style and vocabulary is quite good.

That's about it. I hope it's helpful. :)

June 5th, 2002, 03:14 PM
Ashgan, yes, I think you should continue this story! The characters and plot are very interesting and imaginative, and I would continue reading--especially to find out more about the sorcerer and about the apparent alliance between the Orcs and the Undead. (And how did the sorcerer know that the "prisoners" were actually undead?)

However, I agree with Miriamele that it needs some rewriting and paragraph restructuring. In places it felt like you were rushing to provide too much information at once and in the least amount of space. I think that you should expand everything and provide background information in small bits, as part of the action or dialogue, particularly in the last paragraph which was somewhat overwhelming.

Also (maybe this was just me), I was a bit confused by the magician--first, he might be irritated by the "hard words", then he is surprisingly "inarticulate", and then he is throwing out words that will be hard to translate in the the language of the Horde. Perhaps this was intentional, because he is a very enigmatic character so far.

Hope this is helpful...

June 5th, 2002, 03:56 PM
I liked the story, and I felt it was well written. I thought ther ewas enough dialogue, and enough information.

My only complaint was a rather cliche plot. Orcs and Undead. Sounds quite a bit like an old Dungeons and Dragons Cartoon.

The writing style is very good, I simply think from the selection that you are talented enough to create something more original.

June 5th, 2002, 05:28 PM
The writing seemed OK to me. If nothing else, the pacing was fast, I think. Your thoughts and descriptions are nice; I would have liked more, to say the truth.

What flaw do I find about the writing? Indeed you could have splited it in more paragraphs in some points. One of them is this:

Master Nawor was in his chambers, as I had expected, alone and with his back to the door. He sat this way constantly, in spite of my frequent assertions against this habit of his. [...]"I admire the orcs' fortitude", he said "let us greet them!"

I mean, come on! here you've got thoughts, description, dialogue, all in one paragraph! :) At least, every time another person talks, you should change paragraph. I've got confused about who was talking.

The two last paragraphs (those on page 2) should also be splited. Again you have dialogue mixed with other things --you should try to avoid that as hell.

Nitpicking: <<My master was in a grim mood as well, you could see it in his orange - glowing eyes. >>
Better if it had been: <<My master was in a grim mood as well; I could see it in his orange - glowing eyes. >>

Better avoid using "you" when you can, and there is need for a semicon there. :)

But don't let this discourage you! Your writing style is deep and good --try only to use more paragraphs --and remember: always in dialogue when you switch to another person.

Personal opinion about the plot: I agree with Wastra. It's not anything original. And I'm SURE you can do better!!
But, if that is what you like, then go for it. Write it, "get it off your back"! :)

June 5th, 2002, 06:36 PM
I read your story and I thought it was pretty good. Yes, I would want to keep reading--but only if it was rewritten a bit.

As Miriamele said, I thought your story was rather intriguing, but it needs to be polished. If you simply follow the advice that the knowledgable members of these boards have given you, then I will definatlly want to read more. Hope that helps.

June 7th, 2002, 10:38 AM
wow, thanks everybody, i can see that the force is strong with you and it could be stronger with me... i haven't hoped for such high quality critiques, i'm serious. who are you people? jordan and goodkind? :D haha, joking. i mean, i really appreciate it because i can see that it's all true and was written with thought. when i read the story myself, it seems very clear and understandable because i wrote it, you know, but when i try reading it as if i never saw it before, i can clearly see what you mean, miriamele. it is somewhat confusing and my paragraphs are like tomes of knowledge at times... kinda.
and i realize that sometimes i really do rush with stuff, ladijen, but when i write and something comes into my head, i get afraid that i'll lose the idea and so i frantically start scribbling it down... and then i have to decipher the manuscript, hehe. you are definetely right when you criticise the confusion in some parts. the mage is supposed to be like that, though. it's a character who's special, you know. some will love him and some will hate him.
as to wastra's comment, i greatly appreciate it because i'm quite young and didn't know my plot has already been used... bummer. i thought i was being original here, seriously! too bad. but it's too late to change it now and i like it anyway, so, we shall see. orcs and undead are never out of the game! yeah! it's a good thing that i know that it's already been used so i don't get embarassed somewhere else.
and thank you bardos, i see you're my technicality/style mentor. yes, i do need that, actually. i admire your precise assertions and comments, they helped a lot. i never actually thought abuot the paragraph strucutre being connected to dialogues, monologues and descriptions... but i know you're right when i look at those things carefully. and thanks for commending me on my quick pacing, it was one of my goals in this little story and i am kind of silently proud of it.
i'm only beginning to comprehend how much polishing a story really needs, i mean, i can read the story a hundred times on the day i wrote it and it will seem fine, but when i read it the day after, i find dozens of mistakes and flaws. and it's the same after a week. the perfectionists may die before finishing a story! i'm grateful for you final blow, shef.

June 7th, 2002, 11:11 AM
Let me just say a few words as well.
As I read it, I thought that it started off pretty badly. The plot, the characters, they were good. But you used certain words too much. Like grim. You could have tried using synonyms like bleak, foreboding, dark, dysmal, gloomy, depressing. There are so many.
Also, I think you have an abundance of HUGE word. Not that that's bad, but I reckon you should use them a bit less. That way, placed in the right places, they would make the whole story brighter.
Describe your surroundings a bit. Describe the orcs, the prisoners, yourself as you look in the mirror.
I like the story, good touch with the prisoners aflame, I always love unexpected.
So basically, I would love to read more of it, as long as you put a little variance, and as everyone before me said, put some spacing between paragraphs.
Hope this helps:

June 7th, 2002, 11:17 AM
One thing I'll mention to you:

No matter how cliche a plot is, good writing can aways re-invigorize the story. Don't throw out the plot because it seems to some of us to be somewhat cliche. Jus work hard on creating settings, plots, ad worlds that are unique to YOUR writing.

You want someone to hear about a concept of your book, and immediately associate it with you and noone else:

"Eldar fading"= explicitly Tolkien
"the force" = no one but George Lucas
"anti hero in alternate Universe/ white gold" = Donaldson

In your case, if you said "Orcs and Undead," would the average reader be able to associat it with you and no one else? Or at the least, you wantto be able to differentiat your works from that of others.

The simple choice is this: You can either be the best of any number of similar writers, or you can choose to be a great writer unlike all other writers, and in a class by yourself. Your writing style, in my opinion, is very good. You have the ability to tella story. Now do you want to be really good at telling somone else's story, or do you want to create a great story on your own.

In all honesty, neither is right or wrong. Neither is inherrently better. They are just different. I wasn't trying to criticize your setting per say, just point out that:

Orcs/Undead vs. Wizards....I've read that before.

June 29th, 2002, 08:00 AM
I have read your story and I was suprised. I did not know there was a new Tolkien among us.
I definitely want to read more. So start writing.