View Full Version : your opinion on my species
June 6th, 2002, 05:10 PM
Basically i wanted to ask all the other writers out there their opinion on my races. These are two of the races i am hoping to add to my story (Along with elves, dwarves, gnomes and such). These are just the first of many. Please i beg be kind in your critcism.
The first species is the Vren a feline like race. Now as soon as i made them feline i decided that they all should have the coats of panthers (Black) because it would be overtly superficial for me to describe all the diffrent coat colors of individual Vren. Now the society is clanish. Each clan is run by a Matriach. The reasons females control their society is because the male to female ratio is 15 to 1 meaning females have a higher value among the males. Because of this they are a bigamist society where females usually marries 15 males.
Now they consume large quantities of food. But they are not the farmer race. Instead they control some of the most rich Thilium mines on the planet (Thilium is a metal on my planet which is used to increase the natural magic talents of magic users). They are a shamanistic race . who worship The Old Gods (Their are two pantheons in my world). Also there are few magic users in their race .
They are honorable believing in a code. They are also very animalistic in their natural habits. As honorable as the species is they have no qualms enslaving a race of beings called the Grem who physically resemble gnomes to dig their mines. They feel that they are superior to the Grem they can use them as they like.
My second race is a Basically a monster race. Known as the shades this race unlike the Vren are not natural . Their creation is a thing wholy magical. Their ancestors are believed to have been the Necromancers who died out during the wizard war. They are humanoid in their apperance save for their grey skin and burning red eyes. There are not many shades alive. At most maybe thirty people can claim pure shade blood but anouther hundred or so half-shades exist. Unlike most races shades have no government or leaders. Most live in small groups of four or five. Anouther thing that makes them diffrent than most races is the fact that they consume magic. The consumed magic premantly makes them stronger, Faster, longer lived, and it is said that the strongest among them cannot be killed by normal weapons.
They have few rituals and tradition as a race. One of thing they do share is a loathing of all things having to do with the Church of Grandeon. (Grandeon is the New Gods resident Baldar/Apollo) . They hate this church because legend says that it was a priest of that Order who hid the book of hidden rites (This book contains all the lost necromancers hidden magic and the shades believe that it is their birth right as the decendants of the necromancers)
Ok so that is the first of species I am adding to my world. Please be kind in your criticism
June 6th, 2002, 05:32 PM
I like the two races you've presented here! I do have a few ideas that you might consider--
The Vren sound cool, like a cross between human and panther. You stated that they are not farmers, which makes sense because, being feline-like, they would most likely be carnivorous. Perhaps they keep herds of some animal, as well as running the mines? Or are they hunters? Or does their food supply depend on trade? I like the idea of honorable (outside of the slavery, that is--which could also be re-worked into a sort of symbiotic lifestyle between the two races, instead), admirable creatures that are also carnivorous.
I also like the Shades, but my first thought was, if there are few full shades, but lots of half-shades, how do they breed? Do they create "new-borns" magically, which sometime doesn't work quite right? Or do they breed with each other, or cross with other species? If the latter was the case, you would have to explain how a, for instance, human male would be made to breed with a shade female and vice versa. Or are they hermaphrodites? Or some other thing that I haven't thought about? One idea is that if they breed magically, the Book of Hidden Rites might contain the answer for why there are so many half-shades--some part of the spell that they don't have. This would give them another reason for wanting to get the book...and would also give all other races a reason to keep it from them: Shades becoming populous enough to threaten everyone else!
Hope these were helpful ideas--I got a bit carried away, eh?
June 6th, 2002, 06:34 PM
My first impression when you mentioned the Vren was the warbeasts from The First Swords. But, I can see the work you put into it to make them origanal. But a couple of questions.
Are they a highly or semi intelligent race? I mean is it their instincts or smarts that attract them to be miners and control the gnomes. Also, do they consider themselves to be superior to other races like elves and shades? If they did it would be a nice contrast to the traditionally humble elves.
Now the shades look like they will be awesome. But again I am plagued with questions. Do they use magic? Is it possible for them to be defeated by magic users? Are they highly intelligent?
Either way these questions are answered I am sure they will both be imagitive and creative creatures. I'm sure they will both be highly interesting:D
June 7th, 2002, 03:04 AM
Thank you for your praise let me clarify my races and show you a third race i am working on
The Vren rely solely on the money they make for their mines in trade for food. They do not herd beast because the land with the Thilium mines is very sparse on most grass plains needed for herding. The are as sentient as say a human but they shamanistic culture makes their society tribe like and simple.
Now as to their relationship with the grem. It is nothing more than it seems. The grem are their slaves. At one point the grem were a free people but when the vren moved into their territory they enslaved the grem as they would any prisoners. They do consider themselves superior to the grem but not so much racially as the way a conquering country feels about the conquered people the rule over.
Now as to shades . First let me explain when i said Half shades i didnt mean so much a 50/50 split as i meant a person who has shade blood in him. Now the reason their are so few halfshades and full shades is because the unnatural part of their being makes things like natural birth less likly. Two full shades having a child is as rare an event as possible . Now a shade and a nonshade producing an heir is much more likely. With each nonshade mate added to the equasion the chance of a child being born doubles. Also Many full shades live longer lives depending on the amount of of magic they consume
Shades are born as weak as any man but by consuming magic into their body they receive the powers i mentioned earlier . They also become extremely hard to kill because magic is in its natural form, a thing of creation. Thus Magic also has curative attributes as well. Meaning at some point when they consume enough magic only magic changed to become destructive will kill them. They can though be as severely injured as any man by say a fall or a stabbing. But unless their body is horribly brutalized giving a few weeks rest they could regain limbs. Also to make a note a Shade could theoretically absorb the magic from anouther shade but the rule against it is the most sacred rule among the people.
Now for the book of hidden rites. This book contains the lost art of the necromancers. The magic explained in that book is some foul mojo. It also was a major factor in the wizard war. When the leading wizards censored it many of the lesser wizards felt they were instead keeping it for their own use. This mistrust was the seed of rebellion that eventually led to the wizard war.
Now my new species is the Grem . The Grem are a species which shares a similiar ancestor to the gnomes. But while the gnomes evolved into a race of librarians the Grem evolved into a species that while slightly larger , and stronger and evolutionary the gnomes inferiors. Grems didnt have the benefit of magic to protect them from all the larger species that would easily conquer them because they lack the strength of arms to defend themselves. (The vren are not the only race to use grem as slaves nor are all grems slaves unfortunely a large amount of them are) The history of the grem and the gnomes go back to a common ancestor who was used by many wizards before the war as servants. It is belived by some scholars that the wizards before the war actually created the grem and gnomes and thus their was no ancestor but many people think it ludacris to believe the wizards were powerful enough to make life from nothing.
the grem live in a typical family of one male to one female but a single couple could parent up to 20 grem before they die. This large number grem though usually dont live to adulthood because of inherent mutations. Physically they are 2 to 4 feet tall with brown copperish skin and large sloping eyebrows.
Gnomes on the other hand rarely ever marry let alone mate . Most gnomes are their happiest when working in the great libary (One of the few relic of the wizards from before the war) copying information from one text to the next. This lack of an active labido has made the number of Gnomes born during a year fall more every year recently this number has fallen into the single didgets.
They are a magically inclined race and few races would ever threaten a gnome army from fear of all the magic they might have stored in their library. Seeing a gnome outside his home city is rare. Usually though this means that he is seeking a great book of power to add to the great library. Usually they measuer 2 to 3 feet in height. They have a short hairline and their skin is pale from lack of light.
Once again i beg that you be kind with your criticism Also if you see any flaws in what i wrote please tell me Thx
June 7th, 2002, 06:01 AM
Now I see a few good races developing here, The vren, the grem, the gnomes and the shades.
I see a lot of originality in two of them. I'm not sure about the grems, but if you make it yours, and write it well in the context of your story, they will also be good.
I like the vren. They seem to be a good race, not in the moral form, but in the sense that they should be pretty cool. Are there gonna be any vren wondering warriors, cause I see a lot of really cool traits about these creatures.
The shades. Very good, except... When you said unnatural, humanoid in form, grey skin and red eyes, I see something that is blatantly evil. Now they are, but you should be a little bit more subtle. Say you take the red eyes, and make them albinos. What I mean by that, is that they don't have any colour pigments in their eyes. That would make their iris red, but it would also give them a more natural appearance. They sound like really cool bad guys.
The grems, I don't have much to say about. They're a good touch. I'm not sure how you will use them in your story, but they just give your world a more ethnically divided feel. Thums up.
The gnomes are cool. Especially since there are only a few of them. If this was my story, I see a really good storyline here. "The last gnome" hihi. It would be really cool, him being a young gnome, learning the sacred arts of text copying, and then going off to see the world, with just a tome under his arm. Don't say tolkien, because I'll slap you :D
Anyway, good stuff there. Send me a chapter of your story. It seems really cool.
June 7th, 2002, 02:24 PM
I know I'm harping on this, but I'm a scientist so these are the sorts of things that I notice in stories. Also, I like creatures that are evil (or just so different that they seem evil) but are so well described that the reader can understand where they are coming from.
So: "Two full shades having a child is as rare an event as possible . Now a shade and a nonshade producing an heir is much more likely. With each nonshade mate added to the equasion the chance of a child being born doubles."
Do other races worry about the possibility of becoming one of the non-shade parents? Do shades capture a breeding partner? It seems that shades would not be sexually/romantically appealing to non-shades...
This probably has very little importance for your story, and may be irrelevant, but it's interesting to me. :)
June 8th, 2002, 01:32 PM
Once again i thank you for your imput now allow me to give further detail.
You are right the red eyes is too much of a stereotypical evil character. So that has been removed from the shades. Now as too how they find mates. Shades dont fine mates for themselves but in a soceity that slavery exist in it is not to hard for a shade to buy themselves a mate. Now for other races fearing the chance they might mate with a shade is unlikely sinc most people dont even know shades exist. Many people consider them nothing more than a tale told to children to scare them.
Ok here is my idea for yet anouther new race
The Breven . The Breven are a race of flying humanoids who possess skin so hard it might as well be made out of steel. The breven dont actually fly so much as they are able to glide using their wings to catch air currents (Like a glider). They do not have finger but posses there talons instead. For a long time the other races on the planet thought the Breven nothing more than an animal to be hunted for their hides (Which makes some of the best armor on the planet because of it weighs little but is very strong). This belief though was dashed when a Breven who was kept as a pet by a wizard learned the common tonge. When it became apparent that Breven were intelligent almost of the kingdoms where Breven packs lived in made laws forbidden the hunting of them. Eventually the packs that lived in the few kingdoms which didnt forbid their hunting were made extinct. Now many poachers hunt the creatures illegally in the countries that fofbid it. The Breven live in packs which usually have an alpha male who controls all the decision the pack makes. Monogamy doesnt exist within the pack. Lastly the only other major feature of the Breven race is the symbiotic relationship they share with a small furry animal known as the Grous. The Grous eat parasites of the hide of the Breven and in return the Breven protect the Grous from many of would be Grous predators. In all the countries where the Breven became extinct the Grous became extinct as well.
Please ask me any question about my races my story is becoming better because of your suggestions
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