View Full Version : is this original?
June 7th, 2002, 11:32 AM
This is one of my earlier pieces. It is THE first story I ever wrote, and changed a hundred times since. Read it and see if you find it funny, impressive, stupid, or just plain crap.
I have long since discarded the dwarves.
June 8th, 2002, 03:03 PM
hey man, i read your story and i liked it. it's both funny and exciting, although i didn't find it very original. i think that type of hero has already been used and stuff, but nevertheless, he is still a very usable character in any story. i really love the way you describe the fighting and the action in the story, your vocabulary and terminology are perfect for it. i missed some imagery, though. what does the guy look like? what does he and the others wear? some landscape details would contribute to the whole atmosphere as well. the way it is now, it's really fun and tense to read, but at times i find myself digging through my own imagination looking for answers on how the locations look while yours should have provided them. when i finished it, i got an idea - it would be perfect on film, this story of yours, don't you think? it's because the motion is so well written and it's emphasized throughout the whole piece, i think. it would be cool to watch. i found that at one place you spelled "2" incorrectly ("to" instead of "two"):
-He slid between to swords aimed at him, grasping both his swords in his hand, as he ran towards the edge of the clearing. He jumped into the horizontal again, bouncing off the tree sliding both his swords into his boots, drawing to short dirks from his belt-
i think that's about it, write more of it!
June 8th, 2002, 03:40 PM
I was just wondering how the hero walked with a sword down each boot? And how big the boot and said swords were. Dirks and daggers in boots I have heard of. But sword, some 30 to 40 inches of steel down your boot I have not. Sorry but it just struck me as odd....
Though maybe a short sword but even then it would be some 20 to 30 inches of blade....
June 8th, 2002, 03:40 PM
You hit the nail on the head ashgan. You're right in many ways. This was when this piece started out as a script for a movie. And I will make the movie. Soon.
Did you like the dwarves?
and If you want, The newer version of it is on the same site.
June 8th, 2002, 03:47 PM
aha! Holbrook, that is one of my more brilliant ideas. I think...
Anyway, he's got like two open scabbards on his boot, which, when he fights, slides his swords into. Basically, that way, he can kick out with his legs, and cut people. He doesn't land in those situations, but lvitates, or pulls the sword, and jumps into a tree or something.
I also got a weapon, that I hope noone thought of. It's a disc thrower. I't a rigid glove, and on the guy's hip there's a stack of discs. The guy pushes down on the stack, that loads a disc in, and then the spring will send the disc rotating, and flying towards a person with incredible speed and accuracy. This is a different guy's weapon.
Just as a break from the normal swords. I have Huge hammers, double bladed swords a blade on each end, like darth maul, and I'm still thinking up new ones.
I don't reckon fantasy should be bound by the limits of our world. Who knows what they can do in another world, with different events determining their evolution. What is not possible here, may be possible there. That's the point of fantasy.
June 8th, 2002, 04:00 PM
Yes, but if the character is "human" in shape, how does he bend his knees to jump, walk or even hobble with 30 inches plus of rigid steel strapped to each leg.....
Open scabbard? if the side is open how doe the sword stay in place fixed so that the edge is outward?
Sorry but my brain tends to want to solve such puzzles....
Fantasy does need at least a base for a reader to latch onto. Throw to much at them and they say whoa! this is not working for me.
June 8th, 2002, 04:10 PM
Aha, good point.
Well, here's what I saw, when I look at the boots of Loman.
There is the normal, knee-high leather boot. On the shin-side, so the side facing outwards, there is a sipmle loop, a leather band, abot 15 cm's in length. It has a metal coil inside it, so the sword doesn't cut the leather. I haven't got it figured out yet, but I'm sure I could find a solution as to how the sword gets clipped in.
Anyway. Loman slides the sword into this coil from above, to the hilt, at which point, it clips. It i like a circle, but longer. A tube.
To unclip, he just has to pull on it with some force, in a certain direction. Twisting it clockwise... Say...
Otherwise, it's stuck like a bad nickname.
Any other questions? I'm really greatful for them, because it gets my mind working, and gets me to picture what I write about. I never really though about this much before.
June 8th, 2002, 04:46 PM
Hmmm..... on reading the story I found the action, though fast a little confusing as to where the hero was and where his attackers.
Perhaps a bit more clearer discription of the moves, but still keeping it short.
This is a bit of combat I have written The character is a spy who is about to run foul of a fellow undercover agent who has been "turned" by the main enemy.
Jack counted four. The area superior here was likely too fond of his pork and ale to assist and these ruffians had the look of hired men. Could he take four men, alone?
“I am carrying nothing. No parchments; nothing,” Jack responded, one hand slipping into the basket of his sword, the other fingering his main gauche.
“No need to get twitchy, Jack. Just give me the box.” Jack’s bottled anger burst at the man’s words. The bastard knew of the box. He must have been waiting.
“Here,” Jack snarled and tore his main gauche from is sheath, stabbing sideways into the man’s gut. The long dagger blade entered the man’s flesh, causing him to squeal very unappealingly as he floundered about, gasping, for his own blade.
The three hired men immediately thereupon plunged forward and Jack jumped down the steps, sword swinging high. Cutting down viciously, his dagger guarding, he took one man out of the combat by severing the man’s wrist. Then he turned on his heel and darted after the second. The third man took flight.
The fat area superior tore in screaming, his blade seeking Jack (or possibly whomever it encountered first). Jack caught the second man’s sword on his, steel sparking, and jabbed as the man closed, scoring a hit. The man grunted and toppled heavily sideways, catching the superior’s blade in his side.
Jack took off, running, for the far passage down into the stone’s heart. He bellowed as he went, “The watch! Get the watch! There be fighting! Steel is drawn!”
June 8th, 2002, 04:57 PM
I see. Our styles are different. I have cleared up many of the moves some time ago, I'm reading through it again, as I write this, to check for any errors.
I see that you tend to go for the more down to earth fantasy. I like them, but personally, I prefer somehing that is a bit more out of this world. relly wild fighting, and radical new ideas.
I will try and put as much description in it as I can, while still staying concise with it, but it IS hard. To find the right word for an action, or object. Anyway, I'll fix it all up before I do anything serious with it. I'm allready well into the first book, and still going.
June 8th, 2002, 05:09 PM
"Down to earth", yes when it comes to sword play I tend to use "real moves". as I am a student of the sword myself and study 13th to 15th century european sword play.
I find that I can work out the moves with the help of friends some of which are the the film/stunt business.
I like the sword play to be within the possible even when fighting a creature that does not exist *g*
As for the right word for an action or object I find that if I am over using a word like "strike" I look in my Thesaurus and plough through seeking something that can be used instead. Like, cuff, clip, drive, thwack, biff, bang, knuckle sandwich, hook, body blow.
Often the words don't seem right but sometimes, yes that one!
Choosing words is sometimes just plain hard work. ;)
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