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wolfgang
June 8th, 2002, 08:02 PM
hey everybody, i'm just looking for reviews/comments on my story Vagabond Faces - Motion Minus Speed (http://www.sffworld.com/authors/w/wolfe_aron/fiction/vagabondp1p1.html) . i'll be more than happy to return the favor, just give me some time(i have more than usual lately). thanks and i hope you enjoy it,

Aaron Wolfe

Mod Note: Link repaired.

~Erebus~

Ashgan
June 9th, 2002, 03:36 PM
man, your link doesn't work. :( i'll try and find the story on my own, though... see ya later.

gabador
June 9th, 2002, 03:44 PM
What's your name? I can't find your story...

Erebus
June 9th, 2002, 06:37 PM
The link in the first post is now working. :)

gabador
June 10th, 2002, 06:56 AM
Oh hell! I did a review, but then the site lost it!!!! Not funny. It was quite long as well. Anyway, here it is in short.

Before I start, I'd just like to say that apart from aliens, and another book, I don't like sci-fi. So with that in mind, I read your story.
It was interesting, and well written. There were a few spelling errors, like you spelt tongue as tung, and silece as silent, but they are nothing that you cannot fix with a couple of thoroug rereads.
I though the beginning was appropriate to the story. It gave a small insight into the characters roots, and upbringing. It gave a thin explanation as to why the character became a bounty hunter.
You could have fleshed the characters out a bit more, gave a little background on the villain, but seeing that this is an ongoing story, I'm sure that it will shine through in later parts.
It is confusing in some parts. The conversation with tera, I couldn't see who was talking, and who was doing what. But you got the picture through, however vaguely.
It was a good ending. Not the usual heroe's parade, and roses, but him ending in a hospital bed, with his love, matybe finally given up on sylvia. And lewis made a good character as well.
You could try descriing your surroundings a bit more, but as it is, I got a pretty good picture, filling up the missing places from my own imagination. The descriptions were concise, and I liked that.
So bearing in mind that I don't read much sci-fi. this was an interesting story, and you should continue with it.
Gabador

wolfgang
June 10th, 2002, 04:39 PM
thanks for all your input, it's too bad your other review got messed up, i would have enjoyed reading it. thanks for noticing the typing and spelling errors. i'll read through it again a few times and make it easier to read like you said. i was afraid the conversations would get confusing.

do you have a story on the site? if you do let me know and i'll read it. i'm leaving on a trip in two days for about a week, so i'll be out of touch for awhile after that. if you could let me know before i leave i'll be sure to print it out and take it with me if i have to.l

thanks again,

Aaron

gabador
June 10th, 2002, 05:04 PM
I do indeed, yet, I'm afraid it will be a bit much to print out. If you like, have a look at chapters one two and three on
www.stories.com/authors/gabador
and the prologue, but that is short. I'm in no hurry. I learned to wait. :))

Shef
June 11th, 2002, 06:00 PM
Hey, I just read your story. It seems to be pretty good to me but could be better. The little prologue was well done, and the first lines of 1 was even better. I liked Lewis the most out of your characters. Tera was pretty interesting as well. But, Vince seemed to be your stereotypical cyberpunk hero with mental problems. I am sure as the story progresses, this problem will be corrected.

I believe that your narrative was pretty good. The only problems I found were the following.

1) When Vince has flach backs of Sylvia when he was talking to Tera, and later in the fighter. I was a bit confused. The image that it left in my mind was one that is rather muddled.

2) The descriptions of some of your scenery was rather sparse. This too, distracted me a bit.

3) Spelling and grammer. While the vast majority is fine. A few more read thrus are needed to correct a few lingering errors.

On the other side of the coin; there are several things I enjoyed. I liked Xavier, even though he was little more that an intro to Vince. Like Gabador, I enjoyed the ending as well. It gave closing for the time being, while effectivlly hinting that there is more to come.

Hope this helps.:)
Shef

wolfgang
June 11th, 2002, 09:25 PM
thanks shef, i'm working on the grammatical stuff, and i'm glad you pointed out that scene was muddled. as soon as i get a chance i'll take what you said and put it in the revision. it was a hard scene to write, and i'm still trying to figure out a better way to do it. once again, if you have a story up let me know. i'll post what i think on this thread as soon as possible.

Miriamele
June 12th, 2002, 11:09 AM
I read your story and I thought it was pretty good. Your writing style is good--you definitely have talent--but I think that your story would benefit a lot from being cleaned up a little.

There are some grammatical errors in your story (which is common to most of the stories on this site so don't feel bad). For example, when a different character begins to talk you must change paragraphs or the reader will become confused. And there were a few other small mistakes, such as putting a period where there should be a comma.

A really good book on English grammar is The Elements of Style by Stunk and White. It's just a short book, easy to read, but it explains all those little rules that writers should know. I think everyone who wants to write should get this book and read it. It's invaluable.

Like someone else mentioned, it would be nice to have some more description since you seem to do it well. How about a description of The Sylvia at the beginning of the story? I was confused at first because I didn't catch that it was a boat.

One other thing--dogs don't have toenails, they have claws, don't they? Just a tiny obsevation.:D

But anyway, your story was very good and you should definitely keep on writing!