[gabador]

So what's up? Who's next? I don't want the whole workshop to stop just because of my lengthy post. Ignore it, and move on.
Aight? So whoever's next, I'm expecting a story from you.
Gabador
Waiting expectantly, with fingers twitching, and computer at the ready.

[enazwo]

It is my turn and I have sent out my story
"Dangerous Adventures" (Part One).
If I have missed anyone email me at enazwo@hotmail.com
and I will send you the tale.

For the ease of members who participate in The Writers Association I have posted this story there as well (posts on 6/13/2002) which should reduce the load of reading some people have been experiencing.

enazwo

[kassimir funk]

I gotcha. Gimme a while though.

[estranghero]

I also think that some of the workshoppers have been biting off more than they could chew. Look at Nathan holding down the Writer's Assocation job! (Not that it's bad, mind...)

I suggest though that people keep plugging at the reviews regardless of time.

... Else we will send Ogg, Qin, and FF to deal with tardy miscreants!!! :D

[Solaar]

I don't know if I've got it yet. Haven't checked my emails for a while and probably won't until this weekend.

Solaar
under a backlog

[Qin]

Originally posted by estranghero
... Else we will send Ogg, Qin, and FF to deal with tardy miscreants!!!


Err...what am I going to do? Beat them over the head with my bastard sword?

[estranghero]

No, bury them under an avalanche of witty and discerning posts. :D :D :D

Edited to add: Dang it! I really need my coffee. 'Borrow'?!? Where the hell did that come from?!? :confused:

[gabador]

I’m going through this, making notes as I read the adventures of our beer guzzling, wench-handling troupe of adventurers.
I loved the intro. Not an info-dump, but a perfect introduction to this world. They’re all interesting facts, not too flowered up, but put on the page matter-of-factly.
From what I read, of the introduction to the continent, it turns out to be an eternally stormy place. Is it? Does the sun never shine? Nothing wrong with it, just a question.
I noticed later on that it isn’t
I think that tyst is a brilliant character. He’s great. I always love characters like that.
Right. Down to ale swilling, and wench fondling. There’s a permanent smile on my face as I read through all that. It’s great how you describe all that inn atmosphere, but I see a couple of spelling errors. I’ll send you a highlighted version of what I think may have been wrong.
You use wenches too often. Maybe use serving woman, lass, female, but you repeat wench too often. Apart from that, It’s quite good, with the dialogues running smoothly.
The characters are developed very well, and I’m starting to put names to faces, and personalities. They’re interesting.
Lol. Every time someone guzzles beer, and fondles a wench, I laugh. It’s funny. Lol.
You may try to work some on your brawl. It’s convincing, but break up the sentences a bit, so that it will be more fluent. I also see a lot of problems with commas, that could be fixed with a quick re-read.
“To fighting, swilling, and wenching!” The entire group cheered and roared, “Aye!” ******Roaring with laughter LOOOOL***************
At this point you have captured my interest, and I will read through the whole thing. I will finish the review then. *chuckles
I see that when you switch to the first mate, you switch tenses as well. I think you should stick to the tense you were writing in, seeing that this would throw the reader off course.
I’m finding the plot a bit weak, rescuing a princess, going after treasure, with indescribable horrors, but I like it. The characters are brilliant, the dialogues are funny, and there’s women, and fighting.
That was good with the sea-monster. Gripping. I see a lot of grammar, and punctuation errors still, and you spelt conscious with conscience.
Maybe you should leave out the part with the man and the first mate plotting. That way, the mutiny will be more of a surprise. And when it does come, give alternating names for the mutineers. It could have plenty of synonyms: uprising sailor, rebel seafarer, mutinous shipman. Lots of them, and they only have to refer to the men. Not even fully to them being mutinous.
You should write a bit about how they managed to sail to land, and how the land got there in the first place. It was like they were in the middle of the ocean, and then… Land. No “Land ahead capt’n” so you should fix that. How do they know it’s ryptyn? How do they even know that the princess is in ryptyn???
I also like the way(just noticed) how you don’t have any chapters. It’s brave to do it that way, but it concentrated on the characters more, and there is none of that infernal switching between one character an the other one. From what I noticed, I also see, that you cannot see the characters’ thoughts. Everything comes through from action, and dialogues. And you pull it off well.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You can’t do this to me!! NOOOOO!!! I just have to express my feelings as I finished your post. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! You can’t leave it like that.
Well, anyway, here’s what I thought. It is an excellent story, very well written. I loved the fight with the sarthas, and the big thing is pretty damn good, even if it IS a T-rex. You make it seem so slimy and scary, that my chest was tight with anxiousness for the group. I really need to know who died! Can you please send me more?
Your characters are very believable, and the way it all brought emotions out of me was VERY well done. I laughed, I feared for them, I cheered for them and now I’m damn anxious to read more.
So I say give yourself a pat on the back for me, and continue with this story. Finish it off. And keep up the beer guzzling, and wench-fondling, lol
Gabador

[Qin]

Originally posted by estranghero
No, bury them under an avalanche of witty and discerning posts. :D :D :D

Edited to add: Dang it! I really need my coffee. 'Borrow'?!? Where the hell did that come from?!? :confused:

Sorry, I'm Russian. I prefer tea. Can I offer you some?

[enazwo]

Gabador
I want to express my gratitude for your remarkably timely critiuqe.
I sincerely appreciate the time you took on my behalf. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear some feed back on this tale.

Your suggestions about making the mutiny more of surprise by not introducing the the first mate Marcko, and his cohort Danschel was the way I had originally wrote that. It was an experiment to add those passages in this rewrite.

Also the abscence of most of the sea voyage was a response in my part to a post awhile back on this site about "why do they always have stormy sea voyages" or something to that affect. I followed that thread and thought there was some legitimate view points so I removed most of the sea voyage.

As you noticed part of my style is the dreaded "info dump". I understand that is considered one of those standard cliche` beginner mistakes, however I have learned one thing and that is part of my style is in the "info dump". Though at first I struggled to do away with that style, only to realize that, well occasionally You have to make a stand and say "this is who I am" so I have tried to be the best at the info dump style.

The story will end with only three plot twists, However I think people will be thrown for a loop or shocked by these things. This relates specifically to The Princess. Then end to this story I honestly believe the reader won't ever see coming and should really be a dramatic and powerful conclusion that will have bitter sweet brutally written all over it.

Gabador once again thanks for your insights and opinions. You are a great writer who has displayed unselfish grace by honoring you commitments to this writers workshop despite the fact, that as of this point, you have been short changed. I thank you and hold your writing and opinions in the highest regards.

Sincerely
enazwo